ENTERTAINMENT DROPPINGS

• Smashing Pumpkins finally fulfill their destiny of sucking so bad that their music kills somebody [BBC News]

• Tom Cruise angered by fart. No, I didn't make that up. [Daily Star]

• Here's some "news": "Actress" removes "tatoo" [Yahoo News]

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WHY GOD CREATED YOUTUBE™: "Rockstar" by Nickelback

Ok, it's Google Video, but pretty much same difference, you know what I'm saying? Anyway, recently Shady asked me if I'd ever seen this video since she thought I would react to its parade of washed-up C- and D-list stars like a passerby at a car wreck, and she was pretty much right. Fortunately I've been able to live in enough of a pop culture bubble that I'd never heard the song before, and thanks to the power of my laptop's mute button, I will hopefully die without ever having heard the whole thing. But just look at all the great "celebrities" in there! Kid Rock! Gene Simmons! Ted Nugent! Wayne Gretzky! Nelly Furtado! At least one, maybe three (I can't tell) blonde Playboy-related women! One of the two guys with beards from ZZ Top! Oh, and look, there they all are AGAIN...because obviously they couldn't round up enough has-beens to each take a single line of the song, so they had to pad it out. And what's the deal with all the Chicago locations? I would love to have had the opportunity to walk through one of these shots while it was being filmed. Oh well.

Truly, this is why God created Google Video.

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FOUND OBJECT SHOWCASE™

Incompetent Gecko
Photographed in situ at The Shedd Aquarium, Chicago by Psychictoad
September, 2007

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MOZART/MIKE TYSON DRINKING GAME™: Take One Swig!

• Mike Tyson Admits Drugs Charges [BBC News]

[ Game rules here. Slightly expanded to include the admission of guilt for a previous arrest.]

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WHY GOD CREATED YOUTUBE™: Werner Herzog On The Obscenity Of The Jungle

Hmmm...what would be an appropriate post on the morning I re-enter the working world after a week and a half of unemployment? How about the above clip of everyone's favorite morale booster, Werner Herzog? It may not be as exciting as watching him get shot in the gut during an interview, but his stereotypically German, borderline nihilistic description of the jungle of South America could very easily serve as a metaphor for capitalist society if one was in the right mood. So, thanks to The Cheese Kurd, I'll be starting my new job off on the right foot!

Truly, this is why God created YouTube.

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THE COVERS THAT TIME FORGOT™: Britney Spears Hit & Run - Only On PS2!

• Spears Charged With Hit-And-Run [BBC News]

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THE TOP 75 CELEBRITIES WHOSE EXISTENCE SO OFFENDS ME THAT JUST LOOKING AT A PICTURE OF THEM MAKES ME WANT TO COMMIT RANDOM ACTS OF VIOLENCE™

RECAP: THE FIRST 25

#75: Philip Seymour Hoffman
#74: Keith Urban
#73: David Blaine
#72: Both Gilmore Girls
#71: Sarah Jessica Parker
#70: Wentworth Miller
#69: Elijah Wood
#68: Ira Glass
#67: Pete Wentz
#66: Kevin Spacey
#65: Billy Bush
#64: Rachael Ray
#63: Fergie
#62: Taylor Hicks
#61: Brendan Fraser
#60: Nicole Kidman
#59: Matthew McConaughey
#58: Billy Corgan
#57: Courtney Love
#56: Julia Roberts
#55: Ben Affleck
#54: Woody Harrelson
#53: Abigail Breslin
#52: Billy Bob Thornton
#51: Melanie Griffith

And stay tuned for more...

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TODAY ON TYRA™

Today's Topic: Same-Sex Abusive Relatonships

Number of times I've noticed Tyra's unnecessary use of the word "like": 7

Number of times I've noticed Tyra's use of the word "um": 9

Favorite Guest Quote: "She has cheated on me numerous of times"

Favorite Tyra Quote: "Both of you guys deserve the best, all right? No beating."

Number of minutes of show watched: 44

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ENTERTAINMENT DROPPINGS: On A Scale Of 1 To 10, Just How British Is This News Story?

"The cat was called Socks after [BBC] staff changed the results of an online poll. Viewers wanted the cat named Cookie."

• BBC Admits New Breaches of Trust [BBC News]

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WHY GOD CREATED YOUTUBE™: Soulja Boy Dance (Wit Technique)

If you don't yet know how to do the Soulja Boy Dance, then you probably don't want to start with the above-embedded "wit technique" video, since it will probably get you nothing but giggles from your fellow ballers. [stumbled upon at Ya Heard]

Truly, this is why God created YouTube.

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THE TOP 75 CELEBRITIES WHOSE EXISTENCE SO OFFENDS ME THAT JUST LOOKING AT A PICTURE OF THEM MAKES ME WANT TO COMMIT RANDOM ACTS OF VIOLENCE™

#51: Melanie Griffith

Has Melanie Griffith ever been on Inside The Actor's Studio? Because if so, I'd really like to see the part of the show where James Lipton goes apeshit over Melanie's dynamite acting ability as displayed in this clip. God, that voice...it's like nails on a friggin chalkboard! Damnit, just thinking about hearing her voice has instilled in me the almost uncontrollable urge to stand on the roof of a building above a crowd, yell "Hey! Look Up Here!", and then pour out the contents of a huge box of thumbtacks and hope I catch one or two of them in the eyeball.

Is that so wrong? Well, is it??

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WHY GOD CREATED YOUTUBE™: Manimal Panther Transformation

I'm old enough to remember watching NBC's Manimal, but I honestly didn't remember anything about what it looked or sounded like until Dartanjal emailed me this clip last night. And after watching this -- with its horrendous matte effects, its lingering shots of Simon MacCorkindale all overstaying their welcome, its Sid & Marty Krofft-quality makeup work, and its aesthetically disconnected music -- I am deeply saddened to learn that Manimal is not yet available on DVD. But then...

...truly, this is why God created YouTube.™

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A MESSAGE FROM PRINCE VIA BOB DYLAN

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THE TOP 75 CELEBRITIES WHOSE EXISTENCE SO OFFENDS ME THAT JUST LOOKING AT A PICTURE OF THEM MAKES ME WANT TO COMMIT RANDOM ACTS OF VIOLENCE™

#52: Billy Bob Thornton

What is it about Billy Bob Thornton that makes me daydream about walking into a Best Buy and slashing all the flatscreen TVs with a pocketknife? Is it his greasy salt-n-pepa facial hair? Is it the company he keeps? Is it that fucking tie? Or is it the abuse of ALL CAPS ITALIC on his music web site?

Well, whatever it is, I know that just looking at a picture of him makes me want to walk into a McDonald's and methodically step on every single last paper soda cup in a way that makes a loud popping noise so that they have to order a whole new shipment of them.

I can't be alone in this, can I?

WELL, CAN I?!?

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TODAY ON TYRA™

Editor's Note: I'm between jobs for the next week and a half, so I've decided on a personal challenge: on the days I'm home, I will try to watch as much of The Tyra Banks Show as I can stomach before turning the TV off in disgust.

Today's Topic: "Hot Legs"

Number of times I noticed Tyra's unnecessary use of the word "like": 4

Number of minutes of show watched: 11 (until first commercial break)

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WHY GOD CREATED YOUTUBE™: Leave Britney Alone!

If you haven't seen this yet (the direct URL for which was just left anonymously and conveniently in the comments here), you owe it to yourself to watch the genesis of the latest cog in the YouTube Star Machine. Before you know it, this guy will be crying about Britney on Jimmy Kimmel, then will probably get to hand out an award at next year's VMAs, where he will no doubt perform a lengthy, defensive, teary-eyed rant about why everyone should just stop making fun of Paris Hilton's inability to sing.

Oh, and btw, the audio on this is strictly NSFW.

Truly, this is why God created YouTube.

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THE TOP 75 CELEBRITIES WHOSE EXISTENCE SO OFFENDS ME THAT JUST LOOKING AT A PICTURE OF THEM MAKES ME WANT TO COMMIT RANDOM ACTS OF VIOLENCE™

#53: Abigail Breslin

Can I get something off my chest? I f@cking HATED Little Miss Sunshine. It was the most annoying, cloying, contrived piece of poop I've seen in years. And I realize people are probably going to think I'm a cruel bastard for saying this, but just looking at a picture of Abigail Breslin makes me want to stick firecrackers in the mouths of box turtles, wrap their jaws with ace bandages, light the firecrackers and walk away. I mean for real. If I ever have to watch that scene where she screeches at the telephone one more time I swear I'll throw a brick through an insurance salesman's office window. Yes, I'm serious.

For the love of god, can I be the only one?

Well, CAN I?!?

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FOUND OBJECT SHOWCASE™

Cell Phone Usage Sign
Provenance: Leland Liquor, Lincoln Square, Chicago, USA
2007

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FIRST CHURCH OF LATTER-DAY PHIL COLLINS ADVENTISTS™: There's A Gorilla That's Been On My Mind, All The Time

If it takes a gorilla to help spread the Gospel According To Phil, then so be it. Black20.com, the latest local parish of One True Phil worshippers, has inserted the Cadbury Collins Gorilla into Sussudio, and we at the FCOLDPCA couldn't be happier with their missionary work. Well done, brothers and sisters in Phil. [via Defamer]

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CELEBRITY SCHADENFREUDE FILES™: Chef Gordon Ramsay Gets His Jerry Lee Lewis On

From the JohnEats.com Celebrity Schadenfreude Files™ (and the tipping power of K.A. Laity) comes one of the greatest headlines ever to grace the internets:

• "Celebrity Chef Gordon Ramsay Accidentally Burns His Genitals" [AHN]

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CELEBRITY SCHADENFREUDE FILES™: Britney at the VMAs

• Spears MTV Comeback Was "Embarrassment" [DigitalSpy]

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THE TOP 75 CELEBRITIES WHOSE EXISTENCE SO OFFENDS ME THAT JUST LOOKING AT A PICTURE OF THEM MAKES ME WANT TO COMMIT RANDOM ACTS OF VIOLENCE™

#54: Woody Harrelson

Every time I look at a picture of Woody Harrelson I feel like kicking someone in the stomach. There. I've admitted to it. I just can't help but start thinking about the resemblance between him and Matthew McConaughey (you might recall him as #59 on this list) and then I really start revvin' up. Two dirty hippies that look almost exactly the same and are celebrities? Where's my sledgehammer?

But Woody's got an anti-charm all his own: the slack-jawed old-man drooling, the "I'm CRAZY, man, CAH-RAY-ZEE!" faux-intensity, and of course, there's White Men Can't Jump.

So is it just me who looks at a picture of Woody Harrelson and immediately feels an uncontrollable urge to unload a shotgun into a platter full of hash brownies?

Well, is it?!!?

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WHY GOD CREATED YOUTUBE™: AFSCME redub

Courtesy of Anonymous A comes this overdubbed 1970s AFSCME commercial (which I actually think I remember seeing on TV when I was a kid). The audio on this is most definitely NSFW, so be careful, kids.

Truly, this is why God created YouTube.

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FIRST CHURCH OF LATTER-DAY PHIL COLLINS ADVENTISTS™: The Cadbury Gorilla

Fellow worshipper Dartanjal points us to this advertisement from Merry Olde Englande which combines three of our favorite things: chocolate, gorrillas, and The One True Phil.

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