OVERHEARD ONE-ACT THEATRE™: "Coffee Talk"

Another post, another new recurring feature (and a temporary respite from VEGA$-themed posts)...John Eats presents Overheard One-Act Theatre™, wherein I transcribe, in the form of a one-act play, real conversations exactly as they happened in my presence.

As mentioned previously, I work at a research library for a major midwestern university, and today's premier one-act play took place in the library's student lounge while it was only occupied by myself and our two cast members. Enjoy.

Coffee Talk
a one-act play transcribed by John Eats

(INTERIOR: A student lounge at a major midwestern university's research library. Two old men sit in the otherwise empty room. One is a man with a long white beard who vaguely resembles R. Crumb's MR. NATURAL; he is married to a university staff member, sits in the same chair in the student lounge all day every day and has no job. The other man, a JACK KLUGMAN SOUND-ALIKE (after Mr. Klugman's bout with throat cancer, so his voice is raspy, wheezing, and strained), wears a red baseball hat and a white fleece pullover. We join their conversation already in progress.)

JACK KLUGMAN SOUND-ALIKE: You must really like coffee.

MR. NATURAL: Oh yeah. I like Ethiopian.

JKSA: How much do you drink in a day?

MN: Maybe two or three of these guys (indicating large travel mug).

JKSA: That's a lot of coffee.

MN: Mm-hmm.

JKSA: How often do you urinate?

MN: Twice a day.

JKSA: That's not bad.

MN: No.

JKSA: You must not have an enlarged prostate.

MN: Nope. Everything's fine down there.

JKSA: That's good. How old are you?

MN: 55.

JKSA: Oh, you're young!

MN: Yup. How old are you?

JKSA: 62.

MN: You sure as hell don't look that old.

JKSA: Well, my prostate does.

(curtain)

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OVERHEARD ONE-ACT THEATRE™: Starbucks® SNAFU

Starbucks® SNAFU
A one-act play transcribed by JohnEats


INTERIOR: A Starbucks® micro-café inside a suburban Target® store. It is near lunchtime. Behind the counter, two SIXTEEN YEAR-OLD FEMALE BARISTAS do their best to fill drink orders. To one side of the counter, a MOTHER, ABOUT FORTYISH walks over to join her three CHILDREN, RANGING IN AGE FROM AT LEAST FIVE TO NO MORE THAN ELEVEN once she picks up her drink order. ANONYMOUS A has placed an order; JOHN EATS keeps to the sidelines.

Suddenly there is a slight commotion amongst the MOTHER and her CHILDREN. The MOTHER moves back up toward the counter, cutting in front of ANONYMOUS A.

MOTHER, ABOUT FORTYISH: Is this a vanilla latte? It tastes like there's vanilla in here.

SIXTEEN YEAR-OLD FEMALE BARISTA 1: Yes, it's a vanilla latte.

MOTHER, ABOUT FORTYISH: See, I don't even like vanilla. I didn't order a vanilla latte.

The CHILDREN walk up to surround their MOTHER and get a better view of the action.

SIXTEEN YEAR-OLD FEMALE BARISTA 2: Yes you did, ma'am.

SIXTEEN YEAR-OLD FEMALE BARISTA 1: You said Grande Vanilla Latte--

MOTHER, ABOUT FORTYISH: I did not say Grande Vanilla Latte, I said Grande Latte! Plus this took forever for you to make!

SIXTEEN YEAR-OLD FEMALE BARISTA 2: But, ma'am, the machine is broken!

SIXTEEN YEAR-OLD FEMALE BARISTA 1: We can make you another one, it's no problem.

MOTHER, ABOUT FORTYISH: No, I don't want another one. I'm in a hurry! That's it. You know what? (slams drink down on counter) I want my money back. And I want to speak to a manager.

SIXTEEN YEAR-OLD FEMALE BARISTA 2 hands ANONYMOUS A her drink order. ANONYMOUS A moves away from the counter towards JOHN EATS.

SIXTEEN YEAR-OLD FEMALE BARISTA 1: Ma'am, please, the machine is broken so we had to make it by hand, that's what took so--

MOTHER, ABOUT FORTYISH: I understand, honey, that part's not your fault, but you didn't listen to me, it took forever to get me my drink and I don't have time for this. And now I want my money back and I want to speak to a manager! You got a manager back there?

ANONYMOUS A and JOHN EATS walk away.

(Curtain.)

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OVERHEARD ONE-ACT THEATRE™: "Hotel Breakfast"

Hotel Breakfast
A one-act play transcribed by John Eats

(INTERIOR: The Courtyard Cafe, an unassuming hotel restaurant in Long Beach, California. It is 7:13am, and breakfast is being served. JOHN EATS sits alone at a dining table. His chair faces a large-screen television that is broadcasting Fox News. A GROUP OF SOUTHERN BUSINESSMEN are eating breakfast at the table next to him. Their discussion has been a constant, low stream of chatter regarding stocks, portfolios, etc. Suddenly SOUTHERN BUSINESSMAN NUMBER ONE begins to raise his voice, disagreeing with SOUTHERN BUSINESSMAN NUMBER TWO who has mentioned something SOUTHERN BUSINESSMAN NUMBER TWO'S WIFE, who is not present, has spoken of.)


SOUTHERN BUSINESSMAN NUMBER ONE: Oh, shut the fuck up. Your wife's a schoolteacher, she doesn't know shit!


(The chatter of the SOUTHERN BUSINESSMEN immediately turns to silence, which is held for thirty seconds, during which the only thing heard in the cafe is the sound of Fox News. Suddenly SOUTHERN BUSINESSMAN THREE coughs. The buzz of their normal conversation resumes.)

(curtain)

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OVERHEARD ONE-ACT THEATRE™: The Student And The ATM

The Student And The ATM
A One-Act Play Transcribed by JohnEats

INTERIOR: The lobby of a bank in a midwestern college town. It is 8:26a.m. Two ATMs stand next to each other, one being used by a YOUNG FEMALE STUDENT who holds a cell phone up to her ear. JOHN EATS enters the lobby and heads to the open ATM, inserts his bank card and starts to withdraw thirty dollars.


YOUNG FEMALE STUDENT: (into cell phone) Hi Dad...I'm standing at the ATM. Yeah, and something's wrong. Yeah. Do you have any idea why it won't let me take out six hundred dollars?

At this, JOHN EATS pauses, looks up at the wall above his ATM. He quickly glances at the STUDENT, then looks around the empty lobby.


YOUNG FEMALE STUDENT: (into cell phone) This thing is so stupid...I mean, why wouldn't it let me take out six hundred dollars? (pauses) I don't know. Yeah, like, there's enough money in my account, isn't there?

JOHN EATS removes the thirty dollars from his ATM, puts it in his wallet. The STUDENT turns around and begins walking out.


YOUNG FEMALE STUDENT: (into cell phone, as she opens the door of the bank and walks out onto the busy street) Ok, yeah, well, it only gave me five hundred dollars, so I'll have to get the other hundred later I guess.

JOHN EATS puts his wallet in his bag, turns around and leaves the bank.

(Curtain.)

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OVERHEARD ONE-ACT THEATRE™: University Union Lunch

University Union Lunch
A one-act play transcribed by JohnEats

INTERIOR: The dining area of a major midwestern university's student union. It is lunchtime. A small stage has been set up, and a crowd of ETHNICALLY DIVERSE STUDENTS are gathered around to listen to a presentation. To stage right stands a sandwich board sign declaring "STUDENTS FOR DIVERSITY MEET-UP".

Onstage, a BLACK MALE UNDERGRADUATE is giving a melodramatic (if slightly monotone) reading of a poem he has written. It includes rapid-fire streams of clichéd "shocking" buzzwords relating to race and sexuality. He does not use a microphone.

JOHN EATS and LEGOLAS are sitting in a booth at stage left, silently eating lunch without looking at each other, unable to think or talk while the poem is being read.

Eventually the BLACK MALE UNDERGRADUATE finishes his poem and exits the stage, to be replaced by a WHITE MALE UNDERGRADUATE FRATBOY who grabs a microphone and begins to speak inarticulately about the importance of diversity on campus, and the role played by the Greek/Fraternity community in making diversity a reality.

WHITE MALE UNDERGRADUATE FRATBOY: It's like, definitely important that we, you know, do something about getting more diversity on this campus. You know, like, I was involved in the planning committee meetings for this event, and I must say that all those meetings reminded me of an old saying: "Too many chiefs, not enough Indians."

JOHN EATS and LEGOLAS stop eating, finally look at each other.

(Curtain.)

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