Tuesday, October 31, 2006

JOHN EATS CONTEST™: Win A T-Shirt You Probably Won't Feel Comfortable Wearing In Public!

We've hit a milestone here at JohnEats.com -- we've been blogging here now for over three months! That's the Internets equivalent of 28 in human years! And to celebrate, we're presenting the first-ever John Eats Contest™!

The winner of this contest will receive a fabulous prize: their choice of one of the t-shirts shown above, free of charge (but not of guilt)! These amazing t-shirts come in several styles: The "I Hunger, Coward" Black Tee, John On John™ (for men), John On John™ (for women), The DJ Dijon Men's Ringer Tee, and The DJ Dijon Women's Cap Sleeve Tee. In order to win one of these highly sought after personal apparel SKUs, here's all you have to do.


Your task is to create your very own JohnEats.com blog post. Your post should fit easily into one of our previously-established Departments (the complete list can be found in the sidebar at the right) like "Adventures In The Design World™," "ArtFarts™," "Why God Created YouTube™," etc.

Your post should come fully illustrated with either a YouTube video or jpeg image. If you have a great idea that you just can't illustrate, let us know in your submission and if we like your idea enough, we might just be nice enough to do the illustration for you. But we'd rather not work too hard for this ourselves since the whole point of this is to get a day off from having to write anything.


E-mail your submission (which should include a title, the text of your post, any relevant links, and your illustration image) to johneats[a]gmail.com. Entries must be received by November 30, 2006.

John Eats and Psychictoad will judge the submitted entries and a winner will be announced the first week in December. Entries will be judged on the quality of their writing, the subtlety of their humor, and the quantity of their bribes. You scratch our backs, we'll scratch yours; it's just that simple, people.

The winning post will be published here on JohnEats.com. Then everyone else who reads this site will be given the chance to ridicule the winning post and complain that they didn't win in the post's comments.

Please note: Nepotism is not only practiced by the JohnEats.com staff but is downright encouraged. Friends and family of John Eats and Psychictoad are more than welcome to submit; in fact, they should feel a moral obligation to do so.

Good luck!

P.S.: If no one enters, we're going to pick one of you at random and force a t-shirt on you. So get writing. It'll just be easier that way.

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Fear of proper dental care causes mass hysteria in UK cinema [BBC News]

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Sunday, October 29, 2006

JOHN ON JOHN™: America's Got Talent Chicago Auditions (Part 1)

In the interests of better serving our 3 to 7 regular readers, JohnEats.com announces the beginning of a new column, John On John™, wherein our two resident Johns (John Eats and Psychictoad) comment on each other's interpretations of a particular event or story. Our inaugural John On John™ feature presents the story of what happened this weekend when the Johns travelled to Chicago's Navy Pier for the open casting auditions for the smash hit NBC David Hasselhoff television show America's Got Talent. First up, the story as told by John Eats himself...

What a magical day this was, dear JohnEats readers! After an early morning rendezvous at the Belmont stop, Psychictoad and I made our way to the pride of Chicago's tourists, Navy Pier, on special assignment: to interview the people in line for the America's Got Talent open auditions, and hopefully a meeting with none other than David Hasselhoff himself (we would have settled for Brandy too, but we didn't really want to have to talk to the British guy). What began as an exercise in man-on-the-street journalistic coverage became a match made in heaven, like an episode of Blind Date where everything just goes right.

We arrived at Navy Pier and decided to warm ourselves up with a few non-journalistic activities just to make sure we would get along, since this was the first time the pair of us had done something outside of work alone together. Our first stop: Pretzelmaker, wherein we discovered a mutual love for hot, steaming pretzels and cheese sauce. We were like two peas in a pod--except we were really human beings eating pretzels.

After our special snack, we proceeded to blanket Navy Pier inside and out with the special JohnEats.com business cards I'd prepared. We passed those things out in so many spots it's only a matter of minutes before we get contacted by some interested investment capitalist who saw one of our cards, took a look at the site, and liked what he saw so much he's decided to give us a $500,000 development grant!

But all that business card leaving is enough to work up a powerful hunger, and eventually we settled down for an actual meal. Psychictoad purchased one of the World's Biggest Hot Dogs with Cheese Fries, while I opted for a build-your-own pizza that was somewhat magical: I order mushrooms and tomatoes, and after the pizza was put in the oven the man who made it asked for confirmation of my order.

"You said mushrooms and green peppers, right?"

"No," I said, "I wanted mushrooms and tomatoes."

"Oh, snap," the man replied. But he never removed the pizza from the oven, or made another one. Yet somehow, my pizza was topped correctly. It was an America's Got Talent miracle!

While eating our lunch, we also got to commune with nature...a colony of small, adorable birds cohabits with the tourists inside the food court at Navy Pier, and we were ever so happy to sit with them--Psychictoad was acting like a regular Saint Francis of Assisi! Everyone there loved the birds, and it was plain to me that the people who run Navy Pier want nothing but the best for those cute little darlings.

But even that wasn't the most fun we had. No, we then went for a lovely ride on the Navy Pier Ferris Wheel! And having our picture taken by the photographer from the Department of Homeland Security before boarding our private gondola wasn't enough to dampen our spirits!

We went round and round on that ferris wheel...the weather was absolutely gorgeous! Psychictoad had never been on the ferris wheel before, so I made sure to make the experience as pleasant and gentle as possible for him. Because believe me, we had a lot of hard work ahead of us covering that America's Got Talent audition!

Finally, we made our way to the audition line. What a treat! There were so many different kinds of people there. It was like the living embodiment of a Sly & The Family Stone song! I couldn't wait to start talking to people...I started snapping pictures like crazy, and had just found a pleasant-looking pair of young lads playing guitar and singing a joyful song together that I was going to begin interviewing, when suddenly a commotion burst out.

Psychictoad had approached one of the America's Got Talent crew members and began asking them about how we could get in to speak to David Hasselhoff. Well, something about the way he asked this rubbed the crew member the wrong way, and before I knew it we were both being forcibly dragged from the audition area. They escorted us down the escalator and told us to never return. And it was all Psychictoad's fault! Things had been going so well before that, I just didn't know what to think!

Even with that little setback, I still think we had a great time together. I would definitely go out with Psychictoad again, there were definitely some sparks there!


Tune in later this week for Psychictoad's side of the story in Part 2 of John On John™.

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CRUISEWATCH™: TomKat Certamen

People.com has posted a new TomKat Quiz to test your knowledge of the world's most famous Scientology kidnapping case--er, celebrity courtship--in recent years. It's a toughy, so be prepared for disappointment: I emerged with a mere 50% correct when I took it yesterday, and consequently found it difficult to get out of bed this morning.

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Saturday, October 28, 2006

Zen And The Art Of Summarizing The Week's Top Stories In Haiku™

Lance and Matt: not gay
The ch_ch of the poisoned mind
Hasselhoff costume!

My Guy Magazine
The e-mail icons from hell
Fabio FierceFile™

Raumschiff Enterprise
Crazee Eyez Rider steals art
New open thread used

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Friday, October 27, 2006


Let's give this another try this week...here's an open thread for all 3 to 7 JohnEats.com readers to speak their mind about whatever they wish. Please write something here. Anything. Please. There's nothing more pathetic than being the only one posting to your own open thread.


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When worlds collide: This InStyle Partyhopper Blog report about the recent NYC premiere party for Absolute Wilson, a new film about the life of artist Robert Wilson, is a veritable Reese's Peanut Butter Cup of celebrity/art news. But what really stands out are the multiple photos of Winona "Crazee Eyez" Ryder, who has either had her punch spiked with angel dust or is simply overwhelmed at being in the Guggenheim surrounded by priceless art she could try to stuff into her purse.

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WHY GOD CREATED YOUTUBE™: Raumschiff Enterprise - Das Nächste Jahrhundert

Feast your ears on this, all you Treksters*: The opening credits and first scene of an episode of Raumschiff Enterprise: Das Nächste Jahrhundert, the German-dubbed version of Star Trek: The Next Generation. From the credits' "These are the voyages..." speech to the pow-wow on the bridge, just a simple language change will show you how easy it is to take a science fiction series and make you think it's actually a show about a five-year mission aboard a U-Boat.

Truly this is why God created YouTube.

*See how I deftly avoided the whole Trekkie/Trekker controversy? Pretty smart, huh?

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Thursday, October 26, 2006

FIERCEFILE™: Buh-Bye, Texas Toast!

Honestly, there isn't much to summarize about this week's episode of America's Next Top Model, so I'll do it in a series of bullet points:

• Jaeda misses her hair.

• Anchal thinks she's fat.

• Melrose is a lucky b*tch.

• The twins are boring.

• Eugena can't emote with her eyes.

• Tyra took some pictures and tried to be arty yet again (she sure has a thing for black and white).

• Dita VonTeese managed to embody the oxymoron "conservatively burlesque".

Okay, that brings us to Fabio. Who else noticed that during this episode of ANTM we were treated to the first new I Can't Believe It's Not Butter!® commercial in like six years? Coincidence? At least it wasn't a special one for I Can't Believe It's Not Butter!®...Spray. And while we're on the subject of ANTM advertising, what happened to the CWH feature from the first episode? I want my lines of advertising and content a little more blurred again, people!

Anyway, back to Fabio. Was it not a little odd to watch the models posing provocatively with a man who probably has liver spots older than they are? I must say he was in it a bit more than I expected, considering this cycle's guest spots have been little more than 15 second cameos (like Queen "The Clump Stops Here" Latifah and Dennis "Combforward-cabana" Quaid). His between-photoshoot banter with the models gave a good opportunity to test the Playful/Creepy Detection Meter I built last week with a Radio Shack® diode kit I dug out of my parents' basement.

I was robbed of my bottom two prediction from last week, but I have to admit Anchal and Jaeda were definitely better this week than Eugena and Brooke. The proof's in the pictures, as always. But before I get to analyzing the models' performances, let's look at a picture of Michelle and Fabio. Talk about not being focused...where the hell is he looking? Was Jay Manuel doing something particularly interesting with his leather pants at this moment? Fabio's completely uninvolved in the shot, and that can't have helped Michelle.

Eugena has dead eyes. I think that could be the basis for a drinking game during this cycle. Haven't they said that like five times each episode so far? Leave it to the judges to harp on a physical characteristic that a model can do absolutely nothing about. I mean, maybe secretly Eugena is like Sandy Duncan and has a glass eye--did they ever think about that? But really, this photo is pretty awful. Even Fabio's hair-sniffing isn't enough to make it interesting.

Even with Tyra's criticism of her booty placement, Anchal was able to make her shoot work this week, if only because they finally gave her a concept that she could work with. I mean, this is a little better than the Harpo Marx/Steadman thing. They still seem to have trouble with her culturally though--they keep making her model as a black person or here as a Middle Eastern character...I guess there aren't enough South Asian pop culture stereotype situations that the writers can place her in without making the American audience's collective head explode. The only options they'd really have would be to do a Bollywood thing, a Qwik-E-Mart or maybe a Bend It Like Beckham photoshoot. That's it! Maybe next week's guest is Jonathan Rhys-Myers!

Jaeda has short hair now, did anyone mention that yet? Oh, I did already. Sorry, I just thought maybe you weren't aware of the fact that Jaeda has short hair and she doesn't like it. Not that we haven't been told this FIFTY FRICKIN TIMES every episode or anything. Maybe if she had long hair she wouldn't have had such a problem with this photoshoot...perhaps the extra hair may have helped shield her from having to smell the hot, I Can't Believe It's Not Butter!®-laced breath of Fabio as he pretended her ear was a moist and delicious muffin dripping in I Can't Believe It's Not Butter!®.

And finally, Brooke. Buh-bye, Texas Toast! The thickness of Fabio's I Can't Believe It's Not Butter!®-coated thigh was just too much for our little high school senior this week, and her picture s-u-c-k-e-d.Thank god they had the guts to boot her off on her high school graduation day...suddenly Brooke's life went from a being like an episode of Degrassi Junior High to being like the ending of a French art film. Such poetic justice! Boo-hoo, she's missed graduation and been booted off Top Model--she's lost everything!!! Luckily Ty-Ty spanked her back to reality by telling her she should be thankful she got that far. Beautiful! Now we don't have to listen to Brooke's whiny robotic prom queen babble anymore!!

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Wednesday, October 25, 2006


Do you remember 1997? That was the year when every goddamn website you went to in Netscape 1.5 (or Mosaic) had an animated "E-MAIL" icon on it. Are you feeling nostalgic yet? Well, get ready to wallow in it after visiting Sanford's Free E-mail Graphics, a site chock-full of icons that spin, dance, twirl, and flush the e-mail jokes at you with breathtaking speed. There are seven (count 'em) SEVEN pages of icons in all, so make sure you keep clicking on the thing that looks like a big white ad banner but is actually a navigational element in the bottom third of each page to keep the e-mail animated gif goodness coming.

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Ever heard of My Guy magazine? No? Well, that's probably because you didn't live in England in the '80s. But never fear, BBC News has posted several pages from My Guy because of a new "best of" book that's been published, and oh boy this is a doozy. My Guy was known for publishing "photo stories" (ie, comics which used photos instead of drawings) and it seems they were a magnet for wanna-be actors and musicians eager to get their faces in front of the public. A few of the celebrities included are far too insular to British culture for anyone to really care about unless you're an Anglophile nerd who actually watches crap like EastEnders or Coronation Street or whatever, but for the rest of you out there just feast your eyes upon young Julian Sands, George Michael, Tracey Ullman, Alex Kingston (from ER -- because you know she'll be referred to with that parenthetical by Americans for the rest of her life), and as seen above, the wonderfully feathered and besweatered Hugh Grant. Enjoy!

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Monday, October 23, 2006

HASSELHOFF HOTNEWS™: Even Better Than The Real Thing

With Halloween right around the corner, we here at JohnEats have purchased our eggs and toilet paper to help spread the holiday cheer. But when it comes to decorating ourselves and enciting terror in the hearts of men and women alike, we were stumped. Fortunately our non-denominational prayers were answered when we discovered that the Hoff has provided us with the means to be like Mike. So without further ado, I bring to you the JohnEats Official Halloween Costume for 2006.

No, friends, despite what your eyes are telling your brain, that is not the Hoff on the left, but a cleverly disguised young man who, after purchasing the JohnEats Official Halloween Costume, can hardly be distinguished from the real deal (pictured on the right). Dr. Craig/Mr. Feeny-sounding car not your thing, then try one of the other impossible-to-believe costumes (please note these costumes have not been tested by JohnEats and are not approved for use around open flame):

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ADVENTURES IN THE DESIGN WORLD™: In The Ch__ch Of The Poisoned Mind

While walking around this weekend, I stumbled across this amazing, honest-to-Pete piece of folk art hanging outside a church. This is in fact a detail of a much larger, more complex drawing/collage piece, but it was this particular slice of Christiana which caught my eye...everything about this screamed "photograph me and put me on the Internets!": the bizarre anatomical anomalies, the attempts at racial diversity that resulted in mere grotesquery, and of course there's that sign with the little word puzzle on it. Trust a church to come up with a word game that's attention-grabbing, fun, and guilt-inducing all at the same time!

Enjoy using this little gem as a desktop image.

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Sunday, October 22, 2006

ENTERTAINMENT DROPPINGS: Lance 'n' Matt Sittin' In A Tree, Keith Urban, Passenger 57, Heather Mills

• Lance and Matthew: "We're not gay, we just enjoy each other's shirtless company. A lot." [People]

• Having to wake up every morning for four months straight next to the pasty white frightmask of Nicole Kidman drives Keith Urban back to the bottle [Sydney Morning Herald]

• Wesley Snipes tries, fails to be just like Dave Chappelle [BBC News]

• Heather Mills now talking like someone metaphorically legless too [This Is London]

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Saturday, October 21, 2006

Zen And The Art Of Summarizing The Last Two Weeks' Top Stories In Haiku™

Gibson is The Hulk
Raspberry knuckle-suck ad
Hotel Breakfast play

K.I.T.T. out the closet?
Walk of Fame is ironic?
Michelle is out too?

ArtFarts™ starts: Steve Wynn
An adult star is born: Screech
Ms. Peachez: Chicken

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Friday, October 20, 2006

SPEAKERS' CORNER: An Open Comment Thread

So let's try one of these out, since it's Friday afternoon and there can't be anybody actually working anymore. Got something to say? Put it in this post's comments.

Like, you could let us know what movies you're going to see this weekend. Or point us towards some news of the weird. Or tell Ivan to get off his ass and write us a movie review.

Anything. Anything at all.

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DJ DIJON'S YOUTUBE MIXX-A-LOTT™: Being Bobby Brown's Mixx

Yo homes! DJ Dijon back in da house with another fine mixx of YouTube greats, this week givin the mad props to homeboy BOBBY BROWN, who unfortunately got served with divorce papers this week but that doesn't stop me from representin. Watch the mad skillz in action with these great moments in Bobby Brown HIStory. From kickin it old skool yo with New Edition through pumpin up the Roni jams on Arsenio, Bobby proves he's the king of New Jack Swing -- up until his depressing appearance on Tyra, at least. Get busy!!

My Prerogative
Every Little Step
Don't Be Cruel
Roni (live on The Arsenio Hall Show)
That's The Way Love Is
Humpin' Around
Cool It Now (New Edition)
Mr. Telephone Man (New Edition)
Candy Girl (New Edition)
Medley: Every Little Step, Roni & My Prerogative (live karaoke-style on The Tyra Banks Show with Tyra on backing vocals and Bobby's original harmony vocals sampled in the background so you can't quite tell just how badly his voice is trashed now)

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Thursday, October 19, 2006

An Adult Star Is Born

After having rewritten the Bayside school song, having mercilessly beaten the piss out of Horshack, and having managed to teach us all how to sacrifice our queen you would think Dustin Diamond's "Things to do Before I Die" list would be all checked off...but you'd be wrong.

Diamond has chosen to topple a question that's as old as time itself, "How do I nail two women, videotape it, get paid for it, and avoid that pesky 'adult actor' label?" Using a scheme worthy of Zach Morris, the sleeze bag himself reveals his secret in an interview with Us Weekly:
Diamond...claims he and some pals each made sex tapes as a joke. He says that someone leaked his tape, but insists he doesn't know who.
The classic joke among friends (taping yourself with two "roofied" women who were lured back to your nearly foreclosed home) was turned against our protagonist. But unlike Paris he isn't just going to lie down and take it (pun intended). He's taking it to the bank by taking a cut of the profits.

As for the instant cinema classic, the film--set to release next month--has a working title of "Saved by the Smell," a title which the New York Daily tactfully explains to us:
We can't get too graphic here, but word is that the action includes some bodily functions and an act known as a "Dirty Sanchez."
Be sure to check back as the Editor in Chief of JohnEats supplies streaming audio of his immediate reaction while watching the film.

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FIERCEFILE™: One Foot Out Of The Closet

It's Thursday, which means it's time for you to ignore this week's Top Model recap again!

This episode finally got me excited about this cycle of ANTM even as Anonymous A declared her disgust with it. This one reached new heights of absurdity: Michelle sort-of maybe came out, Mark Steines from Entertainment Tonight was this week's celebrity drop-in, Tyra got to stick in five minutes of talk show footage, and the models did a double-exposure photoshoot as celebrity couples! What's not to like?!?

Michelle's non-coming-out coming out was obviously the centerpiece of the episode. Unlike cycle 1 where the girls knew from the get-go that someone in their ranks was gay, this year we get someone boldly announcing "I'm not sure, I might be gay" at just about the halfway point, and it began to freak some models out just a tad. Unfortunately all the Bible-thumping models were eliminated during the first episode's naked photoshoot so there won't be any fire and brimstone confrontations. But at least there's a chance for some awkwardness which might be entertaining.

This heartfelt revelation led Tyra to come over to the house bright and early one morning (how creepy must it have been for them to find her actually sitting on their beds and waking them up?) for a little one-on-one talk show action. Any chance to make the models cry, I guess -- especially since Tyra herself revealed that just the night before she herself had spent two hours crying. Tyra, honey, maybe you wanna start thinking about some Paxil.

The poor man's John Tesh, Mark Steines arrived on the scene to give the girls a lesson in red carpet interviewing from the other end of the mic, and coached the girls as they tried to interview supermodel bitch par excellance Janice Dickinson. This led to some wacky scenes where Anchal revealed she has the microphone skills of Larry "Bud" Melman, and A.J. doomed herself with that stupid ratty-ass pink hat. I think if you'd rewatch her interview scene, you might actually hear a funeral bell tolling when Janice tells her to take off that stupid thing...talk about foreshadowing.

And then of course there's the photoshoot. Jaeda proved herself worthy of her permanent slot in the bottom two by succeeding at humpin' around as Bobby Brown and then failing miserably as Whitney Houston...how ironic that this episode aired on the day that Whitney finally filed for divorce.

Anchal yet again sort-of nailed her photoshoot, just enough to let them keep her in despite her complete incompetence with the interview challenge. I still don't see the resemblance to Oprah (I know Anchal's the only model close to zaftig in this cycle's stable, but it was still a bit of a stretch) and Tyra was absolutely right about the Steadman makeup being ridiculous. But at least Anchal proved she knows how to wave. And her "Oprah-and-donuts" comment went far towards revealing the depths of Anchal's unhealthy obsession with food.

Michelle got stuck as Ellen DeGeneres and Portia DeRossi -- gee, not at all contrived what with her wishy-washy bombshell of possibly maybe being gay or bi or something...can't you just feel that mid-season writer's strike mojo workin? The judges went ga-ga for it though, so we can look forward to lots more references to famous gay people by the end of this cycle.

And once again CariDee proves to be speaking softly and carrying a big stick with her admirable portrayal of Brangelina. I'm not even gonna give Melrose and Brooke (the two biggest winners of the celebrity photoshoot) any ink today for two reasons: A) they both bug the crap out of me and B) everybody knows America's Next Top Model isn't the girl who's got it from the get-go, it's the girl who rises up to get the "Most Improved" award. So there.

And so there we have it. A.J.'s gone and pretty quickly forgotten -- no more annoying faux rock-n-roll models! Next week's prediction: Anchal and Jaeda in the bottom two slots (they're the two least confident models left, and a third week in a row for Jaeda in the bottom two will spell her doom).

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Wednesday, October 18, 2006

ARTFARTS™: Casino Mogul's Handlers Nervous About The Next Steve Wynn Rooftop Commercial Shoot

Another new department begins today: ARTFARTS™, wherein we here at JohnEats.com bring you the ins and outs of the Art World. From kiddie drawings done by twentysomethings with ironic facial hair to big-ticket auction fare, ARTFARTS™ will leave no stone that post-modernly references a panel from an old Nancy comic strip unturned.

And if you get that reference, you obviously read Zippy The Pinhead.

Steve Wynn, the Las Vegas casino mogul who does those annoying commercials where he talks to you from the top of his hotel's roof, has just cost himself $139 million according to this report on BBC News.

It seems the peripheral vision-challenged Wynn stuck his elbow through the middle of a Picasso in his office while "wildly gesticulating" and now can't sell it as he'd planned. His downward spiral of self-hatred began soon after, when issuing this quote:
'Look what I've done' he said. 'Thank goodness it was me.'
Yes, thank goodness. Have fun looking in the mirror, Steve -- and at the gaping hole in the middle of the most expensive painting ever.

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Tuesday, October 17, 2006


Obviously frequent JohnEats.com commentor Crispinus has nothing better to do today; not only has he posted a suspiciously archaic variation of the JohnEats.com CW Network-parodying ad banner on his blog, he's also spent some quality time investigating the oeuvre of the aforementioned Ms. Peachez, tipping us off to this salacious little ditty wherein everyone's favorite plastic-haired MC begins with the declarative "I got some soap, I got a towel, I'm-a wash my booty for awhile!!"

Okay, I relent.

Truly, this is why God created YouTube.

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ADVENTURES IN THE DESIGN WORLD™: Advertising Should Be This Delicious

So, could anyone out there please tell me what it takes to finally flick the little switch in someone's brain to allow them to think that this kind of thing is okay?

I mean, when does a person get to the point where not only do they think "Dude, it would be SO FUCKIN AWESOME to stick a big picture of a hot chick sucking raspberries off her knuckles on the side of my van!", but also that they firmly believe doing this will actually drive customers to their business?

As if you needed anything more to make a little bit of puke well up in the back of your mouth, click on the photo to get the full sized detailing of the strategic placement of the gas tank cover.

That's right, every time you fill 'er up, you get to shove your hose in her mouth.


People of planet Earth, your world makes no sense to me.

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What is it about Ms. Peachez' video for Fry That Chicken that could cause resident JohnEats.com tipster Michael Knight to email us the declaration "this video changed my life"? Is it the video's no-holds-barred embrace of an ethnic stereotype? Is it the dulcet, cigarette-filtered tones of Ms. Peachez? Is it her blue and white wig? Her airbrushed self-referential t-shirt? The subtle food-item-as-sexual-metaphor lyricism rivalled only by Kelis' Milkshake? Or is it something else?

Is this truly why God created YouTube? You be the judge.

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ENTERTAINMENT DROPPINGS: The Pope, Bobby Brown, Madonna, Billy Bush vs. Michael Jackson

• The Vatican releases yet another biopic of John Paul II, this one co-starring Eddie Murphy as a donkey and Robin Williams as a genie, stealing our hearts while they "crack wise" as second bananas to the more sombrely heroic Karol Józef Wojtyła [BBC News]

• Bobby Brown's still got the skills to pay the bills [TMZ]

• Madonna one step closer to saving the world -- one spoiled brat at a time [People]

• Billy Bush and Michael Jackson enter the same room; asshole-induced matter/anti-matter explosion occurs when they accidentally touch [Access Hollywood]

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Thursday, October 12, 2006

Ms. Sawyer, Don't Make Me Angry...You Wouldn't Like Me When I'm Angry.

In a shocking expose with Diane Sawyer, modern-day Oscar Schindler, Mel Gibson, revealed some startling news about his recent battle with his inner "monster," and the revelation that it brought him. In the interview, Gibson reveals a startling new discovery regarding the gateway drug alcohol: Years of alcoholism can ultimately lead to anti-Semitism.

Researchers were stunned by the news and, thanks to Gibson's extensive research, they finally have proof that the same gene that causes the insatiable desire to burn your esophagus with Oaxacan Mescal, is also the gene that causes uncontrollable hatred of the descendents of Abraham. (In an unrelated story, the gene has also been proven to make people into raging assholes.)

Despite his affliction, Gibson moves on with the help from his friends. He also told Ms. Sawyer that while he realized he could not "put the toothpaste back in the tube," he assured her that he plans to continue making subtitled snuff films for the foreseeable future.

Our story does have a light at the end of the tunnel. As it turns out Gibson can be saved. Oddly enough the only thing that can save him from becoming irreversibly anti-Semitic is the God of the Christian Church. Until Jesus fixes his broken wagon though, Gibson is believed to be dead, and he must let the world think that he is dead until he can find a way to control the raging spirit that dwells within him.

In support of Gibson's struggle with Oaxacan Mescal, we here at JohnEats have given him a way to track each day of sobriety as if it was his last. Play along with Gibson and see how hard 65 days of sobriety can be with SobrietyWatch™. We ask that JohnEats readers remember that if you see a drunken celebrity spewing anti-Semitic remarks, please, tell a friend. Only together can we stop alcohol-related celebrity anti-Semitism.

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FIERCEFILE™: One With The Freaks

No, I'm not talking about that video with the jellyfish by The Notwist...it's time once again for a Top Model recap! Cycle 7 still hasn't quite picked up steam for me yet, but it's getting there as they keep piling on the classic ANTM elements of bitchiness and body image neuroses.

Now that Monique is gone there needed to be another axis of conflict, and the Melrose vs. Anchal subplot that had been quietly brewing is now out in the open. It's the perfect setup: Melrose the frontrunner needs to cut other people down to secure her own confidence, so she lashes out at her most obvious competition, the girl who eats too much yet the judges adore.

And what better subplot can you get for ANTM than a model who's willing to eat four eggs for breakfast and sucks down popsicles like water? It's no wonder that Anchal likes to stand with her arms covering her stomach.

The contortionist stuff was decent this week. The initial scene where the models were instructed by the contortionist and Canadian Top Model judge Stacey McKenzie (is she related to Bob and Doug?) was absolutely hilarious, if not just for the absolute creepiness of that Canadian woman. Man, she gave me the heebie-jeebies...she was such a big bowl of wrong you just couldn't take your eyes off her gigantic head whenever it appeared and filled up the entire tv screen.

This led nicely into this week's statue challenge, which gave us another car accident guest star: designer Bao Tranchi, whose lack of public speaking ability and obvious cosmetic surgery lit up the small screen in the short time she occupied it.

The visits from Twiggy and Tyra were both entertaining, with Twiggy bringing out the ass-kisser in Melrose something fierce, and Tyra temporarily turning ANTM into an episode of her talk show. I just love these heart to hearts that Tyra has with "her girls," they really show how much she thinks she's Oprah -- and how little like Oprah she really is.

But in the end it comes down to the circus freak photoshoot and everyone's favorite crazy-patterned tight long-sleeve tee-rocking art director, Jay Manuel. Jay's confidence-to-bitchiness ratio keeps increasing with each episode, and he managed to get something allegedly magical out of CariDee again this week -- the judges went ga-ga for her disturbing elephant trunk and antique car straddle.

Mark my words, people, we're looking at Anchal, Melrose and CariDee in the final three...just wait until the upcoming recap show where they suddenly pull out all kinds of impressive footage of CariDee that we haven't seen before, just like they did with Danielle last cycle.

Oh, and good riddance to Megg, by the way. No more underbite shots, "rawk" hand signs and donkey laughter makes John Eats a happy boy.

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Tuesday, October 10, 2006


Thanks to a tip from our very own Michael Knight comes this report out of Dublin containing the shocking revelation by David Hasselhoff that K.I.T.T., the car that made him famous, was in fact a closeted gay vehicle:
[Hasselhoff] said, "We have some fairly X-rated outtakes on 'Knight Rider.' Kitt was constantly asking, 'Do you want me to take you home Michael?' in that very camp voice of his."

Salacious! But not tawdry enough to keep Hasselhoff awake, it seems...or is it just that he's hitting the sauce?
Meanwhile, Hasselhoff fell asleep while appearing on a TV show in London. The former "Baywatch" star dozed off during a commercial break while filming an appearance on GMTV on Sunday. [...] Producers have denied claims the 54-year-old actor knocked out because he was drunk.

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Monday, October 09, 2006

ENTERTAINMENT DROPPINGS: The Bitter Irony Of The Hollywood Walk Of Fame

Of course, what would a trip to Long Beach be without a 45 minute sojourn to Hollywood? Well, that's exactly what I did this past Friday, and that means it's time for some commentary on the sad state of affairs at the Hollywood Walk of Fame.

Let's take a look at some examples of what I mean:

First up, the Steve Miller Band. Okay, maybe at one point they were slightly culturally relevant, I grant you that. But honestly, wouldn't the release of Abracadabra make any of their other achievements null and void?

Bob Seger and the Silver Bullet Band? Seriously? They actually gave a star to the man responsible for writing a song about passing his own stool?

And here we are at Dick Van Patten. Who knew refusing to get rid of an obvious combover and dancing like a moron for Weird Al Yankovic could lead to immortal fame?

This one's a little hard to read, but trust me when I say to you that yes, Rick Dees has his own star. Rick Friggin Dees. Call me crazy, but something tells me I'd rather not live in a world where the man responsible for Disco Duck is celebrated rather than punished.

And now, the cruelest irony of them all: the Apollo XI astronauts. Yes, the only people commemorated on the Walk of Fame who have actually been to the stars don't even get their names in one...just a big square, surrounded by deadbeat Hollywood people whose names are actually in stars. Truly there is no justice in this world.

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Saturday, October 07, 2006


Hotel Breakfast
A one-act play transcribed by John Eats

(INTERIOR: The Courtyard Cafe, an unassuming hotel restaurant in Long Beach, California. It is 7:13am, and breakfast is being served. JOHN EATS sits alone at a dining table. His chair faces a large-screen television that is broadcasting Fox News. A GROUP OF SOUTHERN BUSINESSMEN are eating breakfast at the table next to him. Their discussion has been a constant, low stream of chatter regarding stocks, portfolios, etc. Suddenly SOUTHERN BUSINESSMAN NUMBER ONE begins to raise his voice, disagreeing with SOUTHERN BUSINESSMAN NUMBER TWO who has mentioned something SOUTHERN BUSINESSMAN NUMBER TWO'S WIFE, who is not present, has spoken of.)

SOUTHERN BUSINESSMAN NUMBER ONE: Oh, shut the fuck up. Your wife's a schoolteacher, she doesn't know shit!

(The chatter of the SOUTHERN BUSINESSMEN immediately turns to silence, which is held for thirty seconds, during which the only thing heard in the cafe is the sound of Fox News. Suddenly SOUTHERN BUSINESSMAN THREE coughs. The buzz of their normal conversation resumes.)


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