Tuesday, May 15, 2007

THE TOP 75 CELEBRITIES WHOSE EXISTENCE SO OFFENDS ME THAT JUST LOOKING AT A PICTURE OF THEM MAKES ME WANT TO COMMIT RANDOM ACTS OF VIOLENCEā„¢

#71: Sarah Jessica Parker

What happened? I mean, really, WTF happened to make my favorite Square Peg into the same loathsome creature who can't hold down a steady job, angers entire nations, and turned Ferris Bueller into a hollow shell of a man? I don't know, but every time I look at a picture of her I want to pump at least five rounds from a sawwed-off shotgun into the side of an ice cream truck.

What? You don't?

3 Comments:

Blogger Psychictoad said...

John this is rapidly becoming my favorite column. I think it is because I finally understand these strange feelings I get when I also see these people. I thought it was just gas, but as it turns out, it was SJP and the Gilmore Girls that made me want to eat multiple boxes of eight-penny nails.

JohnEats, most definitely the cure, and not the disease...

12:13 PM  
Blogger John Eats said...

Save at least one of those boxes of nails for me when we get to the Pivster!

1:12 PM  
Anonymous ivy said...

that's some picture. have you two seen failure to launch by any chance. i appear to be one of the 3-5 people who was able to forgive the atrocious slapstick and appreciate the brilliant premise, but i can only imagine the mayhem that will ensue when you experience the synergy of sjp, matthew mcconawhatever, and terry bradshaw (i'd wager diatribes on the latter two are forthcoming). it's going to take a massive crush on zooey deschanel to stop that shit. i feel safe tipping you two on this only because rittz is in niles (steer clear of my grandma in highland towers, please), and i don't go near the ice cream in norris.

1:18 PM  

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