Friday, August 31, 2007

THE TOP 75 CELEBRITIES WHOSE EXISTENCE SO OFFENDS ME THAT JUST LOOKING AT A PICTURE OF THEM MAKES ME WANT TO COMMIT RANDOM ACTS OF VIOLENCEā„¢

#55: Ben Affleck

Those eyes. That hair. Those muscles. That chin dimple. Why can't I see what everyone else sees? Why must the mere sight of B-fleck make me want to step all over an ant colony? Why must I endure one more uncontrollable urge to take a baseball bat to someone's Precious Moments collection? Is it because of his creepy mouth thing? Is it his attempts at philosophy? Is it his all-around dickishness?

I don't know what it is, but surely I can't be the only one who looks at a picture of Ben Affleck and feels like lighting a bunch of firecrackers and throwing them over a bridge into the backs of flatbed trucks.

Can I?!?

4 Comments:

Blogger :> said...

If I've said it once, I've said it a thousand times: I want to grind his face into pavement really slow, and for a really long time. My hand or booted foot on the back of his head, unrelenting. No one and nothing else should have to pay for the violence that Ben Affleck's smug obnoxious face brings roaring out of me.

9:51 AM  
Blogger K. A. Laity said...

I think the most irritating thing is that you can quite literally see his thoughts trailing behind him, running to catch up with his body and fill that vacant look on his face. But when they get there, they do nothing to change its state, because they are not good thoughts, but weak and feeble ones. Hence the slack jaw.

10:45 AM  
Blogger K. A. Laity said...

Even worse, there's Casey Affleck, too, who surely makes anyone want to commit random acts of violence. That giant head! That vacant look! Grrrrrr!

9:07 AM  
Blogger The Queen said...

My sister & I have our pet name for ol' Benny-poo:

VANILLA PUDDING BOY

'Cuz a bowl of vanilla pudding can act better than he can....

7:11 PM  

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