Thursday, July 05, 2007

THE TOP 75 CELEBRITIES WHOSE EXISTENCE SO OFFENDS ME THAT JUST LOOKING AT A PICTURE OF THEM MAKES ME WANT TO COMMIT RANDOM ACTS OF VIOLENCE™

#64: Rachael Ray

I actually had a whole other post planned for this morning. Really, I did. And then I stumbled across the above photo on People.com and I felt like driving a cement mixer into a crowded bumper car ride at a county fair. I mean, aren't her seemingly tireless efforts to make Tater Tots™ culturally acceptable as an ingredient enough of an excuse for making me want to throw a brick through a hospital window every time I look at a picture of her and her disturbingly wide Julia Roberts-esque hell-mouth? But what about the fact that hearing her three-packs-a-day, Lucille Ball-post-I Love Lucy-voice makes me want to break into a stranger's apartment and repeatedly stab their couch with knitting needles? I mean, get a load of this asinine "tip" on how to -- yes -- OPEN A FRICKING JAR:

Is this not lowest common denominator educational television at its finest? And doesn't it make you want to walk into Crate and Barrel and start throwing some earthenware against the wall?? And don't even get me started on the wacky spelling of her first name. Seriously, if she went through the trouble of sticking that stupid "ae" in there, why not just spell her last name like Mrs. Garrett did for consistency's sake? Not to mention her transition from Triscuits® shill to Dunkin Donuts® pusher. I mean, come on!! It's not just me, is it?

WELL, IS IT?!!?

[p.s. - Greetings, Rachael Ray Sucks readers! If you enjoy hating on celebrities, you've come to the right place.]

12 Comments:

Blogger Crispinus said...

I'm with ya on this one. At our house we vandalize the Ritx boxes on which she appears by drawing pirate beards and eye patches, and blacking out her teeth.

And it's a smile worthy not so much of Julia Roberts, but of Jack Nicholson as The Joker.

8:49 AM  
Blogger John Eats said...

I agree about the jack Nicholson thing. But I also think Julia Roberts' mouth is one of the Seven Signs of the Apocalypse.

10:03 AM  
Blogger Michael said...

I have never agreed more with anything ever posted on this site.

I swear I can see the glimmer of hell fire in those eyes. And that smile makes me want to smash in her teeth with a pair of rusty old ice-skates.

10:13 AM  
Blogger Gene K. said...

What's worse then the idea of the segment on jars itself is the applause she gets for opening said jars.

Ah, for the days when segments on jars had social and political relevance...

1:32 PM  
Anonymous "A" said...

At first I really didn't notice Rachael Ray much, except to laugh at the fact that spending $40 a day on meals was pretty f$&%ing easy. (Is it really that tricky that she needed a whole show to tell everyone how to do it? Last time I checked, restaurant menus had these wacky things called "prices.") But I just kind of ignored her.

But in my small, unscientific sampling, retirement-age men can't get enough of this woman. Is it the loud smoker voice? The fake enthusiasm over olive oil? The mouth that could fit three oranges and a canary?

Now she is f*&^ing everywhere! What happened? How many shows can one person have? And why crackers? Why doughnuts? Is she headed for a career-ending meltdown? Can I please watch?

And now the guilty confession: I own one of her knives. And I love it. It has this fantastic grippy handle. But her name isn't anywhere on it, so please don't tell anyone.

2:05 PM  
Anonymous Cheese Kurd said...

dont dis tater tots.

2:13 PM  
Blogger John Eats said...

The Cheese Kurd emailed me this link today. I think he's too shy to post it here himself.

5:43 PM  
Blogger Regina said...

She must be the most annoying cook I have ever watched! How people can sit in that audience and watch her talk show for one hour is beyond my understanding!

9:31 PM  
Blogger The Short (dis)Order Cook said...

Hell no it's not just you. My own blog is filled with similar rants.

The woman is annoying. Her "girl next door" act is phony (how many girls next door do you know who had their weddings in Italy?). Her repetitions, gestures, and voice grate on my every last nerve. Worst of all, she isn't much of a cook. In the early days she had some decent recipes, but now she just throws ingredients into a pot of soup or over pasta or into a burger or on a sandwich. Yet people praise her for this????

I really hope her 15 minutes of fame are up soon.

9:16 AM  
Anonymous "A" said...

JohnEats may have dissed tater tots, but Rachel Ray adulterated them.

10:57 AM  
Anonymous Cheese Kurd said...

I didn't think it was worth posting, just wanted you to know that others are with you.

1:56 PM  
Blogger jedijawa said...

Right on! I linked to you man. Come on over and give me some support from the pro-Rachael faction.

6:05 PM  

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