Wednesday, March 14, 2007

THE TOP 75 CELEBRITIES WHOSE EXISTENCE SO OFFENDS ME THAT JUST LOOKING AT A PICTURE OF THEM MAKES ME WANT TO COMMIT RANDOM ACTS OF VIOLENCEā„¢

[A little backstory is necessary here...long ago, in the dark days before JohnEats.com existed, I confessed to a group of friends I work with that I had just seen a poster of Adrian Brody plastered to the side of Burberry in Chicago the previous weekend, and that the mere sight of him made me so angry I wanted to go punch something. I was then asked if there were any other celebrities who generated similarly violent impulses in me, and I said "Oh yeah, I could probably give you a list a mile long" and the response was "No way, I'll bet you couldn't even come up with 75 of them" and I said "Way! I could come up with 75 in like less than an hour!" and so to prove my point, I went back to my office and came up with a list in just over 30 minutes. I've since lost the original list, but it's not that hard for me to reconstruct...and so, here begins a new, deeply disturbing regular feature of rants that you may feel free to ignore.]

#75: Philip Seymour Hoffman

What can I say? The man who probably more rightfully deserves the nickname "The Hoff" instead of David Hasselhoff truly makes my skin crawl. Whether he's looking shaggy or clean-cut, bespectacled or be-contacted, I look at this man and immediately want to stick thumbtacks in my own thigh just to make the visual memory of his face go away. I consciously avoid seeing movies he stars in (but he wasn't the only reason I decided not to see Mission: Impossible 3), although I did see Capote and managed to get through it without tearing down the curtains from either side of the movie theater screen, wrapping myself in them and lighting them on fire. Don't ask me how.

5 Comments:

Blogger girlfop said...

I have a much shorter list of celebrities whose smug faces I have an instant urge to grind into pavement at the merest sight:

BEN AFFLECK and the "sexy" versions of Nicole Kidman.

8:19 AM  
Anonymous "A" said...

The curtains in movie theaters are actually flame retardant, so they would be a good thing for you to grab when you need to smother the flames on any other theater-goer who has self-immolated at the sight of Phillip I-Have-Three-Names-But-I-Haven't-Had-a-Bath Hoffman.

By the way, have you seen my thumbtacks?

7:09 PM  
Anonymous ivy said...

pity you'll miss out on charlie kaufman's directorial debut next year. did i already ask you what happens in real life when you work with or, god forbid, like people whose appearance offends you. i don't listen very well.

2:32 PM  
Blogger John Eats said...

Sorry, Ivy, I didn't realize this was so offensive. Perhaps what I've written is too vague...it's not the appearance of the celebrity who offends me, it's the complete package, and just seeing a picture of them is enough to remind me that they fill me with rage.

As for people I work with...well, they're real live people and that changes everything. It's much easier to feel revulsion for abstract celebrities than honest-to-gosh people.

7:14 AM  
Blogger John Eats said...

And ys, it is tremendously sad that I'll miss out on Charlie Kaufman's directorial debut, especially since Adaptation was the number 1 movie of 2002 that I wish I'd been able to avoid having to see.

8:09 AM  

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