Monday, February 26, 2007

ENTERTAINMENT DROPPINGS - OSCARS EDITION: Finally, After All These Years, The Academy Finally Did The Right Thing

At long last, the waiting is over...finally, after all these years, The Academy finally decided to do the right thing: they devoted a good 15 minutes of the Oscars telecast to asinine interpetive dance.

[To see it in action, click here and then from under the "Behind The Scenes" dropdown, choose "Show Highlights: Best Moments" and let the bitter irony of that label wash over you as you lose six minutes and 5 seconds of your life -- which is better than the seventeen hours I lost last night watching the whole damn thing.]

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Thursday, February 22, 2007


Oconomowoc Man Attacked With Sword While Watching Porn [link via Tiree]

Can't you just picture the hilarious goings-on right before this happened? I mean, one guy was alone in his apartment fingering his family heirloom sword, and the other alone in his apartment fingering his family heirloom sword.

((rim shot))

Thanks, I'll be here all week.

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Wednesday, February 21, 2007

WHY GOD CREATED YOUTUBE™: The Rapid Evolution Of Entertainment Tonight's Opening Credits

I know I've been doing too many YouTube posts lately, and I swore I wasn't going to do another one today but I just can't resist this: above you'll see the original opening credits from the third episode of the short-lived pre-Mary Hart phase of Entertainment Tonight in 1981, complete with a pre-credits sequence announcing a story about Studio 54. It's amazing this show lasted beyond this first incarnation, what with the cheesy animation and the cavalcade of exciting star portraits including the likes of Burt Reynolds, Brooke Shields, Bo Derek, Barry Manilow (did they get a discount on stock photos of celebrities whose names started with "B"?) and my personal favorite, Kenny Rogers with the down-home thumbs-up. But wait, there's more!

Only a year later and so much has changed! The single-story cold opening is replaced by a rapid-fire multiple-story bumper including -- and MANOMAN did I hit the freakin motherlode with this one -- a video game expo in Chicago, Lee Majors proudly wears his sexism badge, and news of C.J. the orangutan guest starring on T.J. Hooker! But then watch how the opening credits have changed: gone are the cheesy portraits of celebrities, replaced by even more generic "Hollywood" graphics -- but for some strange reason they just couldn't let go of that camera sweep across the static photo of the Enterprise from Star Trek: The Motion Picture. Righteous!

Truly, these two videos are why God created YouTube.

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Tuesday, February 20, 2007


It's time to stray from the video sharing juggernaut that is YouTube momentarily and learn to appreciate a video that's available on one of YouTube's competitors, DailyMotion (courtesy of a tip from Anonymous A). What we have here is a video of an a cappella group, Naturally 7, singing what can only be described as a song inspired by the events of the Phil Collins Miami Vice and Michelob commercial classic In The Air Tonight. It's difficult to call this a cover since very few of the lyrics they sing are actually part of the original song, and it's not really sampling because Phil's not there with them singing his part. But this is an amazing piece of low-budget (albeit suspiciously multi-camera covered) video all the same, with the smooth tones of Naturally 7 at first irritating and then winning over a crowded Paris Metro train. This is essential embedded Flash video viewing if I ever saw it, folks.

But let's not entirely forget about YouTube today, shall we? Hot diggity damn, this video's got it all: a country/pop crossover ditty, obligatory low-budget video effects, and a star who fails miserably at both trying to look like a blond American Kate Bush and doing convincing physical comedy along with her J.C. Penny's catalog model costar! A honky tonk-lite classic.

Truly, this is why God created YouTube.

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Monday, February 19, 2007

OVERHEARD ONE-ACT THEATRE™: University Union Lunch

University Union Lunch
A one-act play transcribed by JohnEats

INTERIOR: The dining area of a major midwestern university's student union. It is lunchtime. A small stage has been set up, and a crowd of ETHNICALLY DIVERSE STUDENTS are gathered around to listen to a presentation. To stage right stands a sandwich board sign declaring "STUDENTS FOR DIVERSITY MEET-UP".

Onstage, a BLACK MALE UNDERGRADUATE is giving a melodramatic (if slightly monotone) reading of a poem he has written. It includes rapid-fire streams of clichéd "shocking" buzzwords relating to race and sexuality. He does not use a microphone.

JOHN EATS and LEGOLAS are sitting in a booth at stage left, silently eating lunch without looking at each other, unable to think or talk while the poem is being read.

Eventually the BLACK MALE UNDERGRADUATE finishes his poem and exits the stage, to be replaced by a WHITE MALE UNDERGRADUATE FRATBOY who grabs a microphone and begins to speak inarticulately about the importance of diversity on campus, and the role played by the Greek/Fraternity community in making diversity a reality.

WHITE MALE UNDERGRADUATE FRATBOY: It's like, definitely important that we, you know, do something about getting more diversity on this campus. You know, like, I was involved in the planning committee meetings for this event, and I must say that all those meetings reminded me of an old saying: "Too many chiefs, not enough Indians."

JOHN EATS and LEGOLAS stop eating, finally look at each other.


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Friday, February 16, 2007

WHY GOD CREATED YOUTUBE™: The Carlton/Jacksons Pepsi Commercial

It doesn't get much better than this: Alfonso Ribeiro, better known as the horribly-dancing Carlton on The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air (and the winner of 2006's reality show Celebrity Duets, got his start by imitating Michael Jackson's dance moves in this amazing Pepsi commercial featuring the Jacksons during their Victory period in 1984. If all the mini-sized sequined gloves and red leather jackets weren't enough to win you over, pay extremely close attention to the video game sounds emanating from the pizza parlor in the first three seconds of the video. Such attention to period detail! To die for.

Truly, this is why God created YouTube.

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Thursday, February 15, 2007


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Wednesday, February 14, 2007


I'd like to impersonally wish all of my 3 to 7 regular readers a Happy Valentine's Day® today. And to celebrate, please watch The World's Most Romantic Music Video™:

It just doesn't get any better than the Universal Equation of Love:

Jeff Bridges + Rachel Ward + James Woods + [Colored Gels On Falling Water] x Phil Collins = Instant Roll In The Hay.

Well, it's either that or:

[Steven Tyler + Joe Perry] x (Exposed Chest)2 + Dancing Bikini Mannequins / Hydraulic Lift Transportation = Instant STD.

Take your pick.

[special thanks to real-life valentine Anonymous A for the teddy bear tip]

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Tuesday, February 13, 2007

WHY GOD CREATED YOUTUBE™: "Only On NBC" Promo (1988)

A very particular symptom of my love/hate television psychosis is my fascination with network television promos. While it's always exciting to see what horrible new shows a network has cooked up for the year, when they choose to promote them with an overblown production number like the one above, the cringe factor rises to new levels of intensity. Is it wrong that when I see television actors being forced to dance and sing along to cheesy marketing slogans that I am somehow reminded of the dance of death in The Seventh Seal?

And while this promo doesn't have the best jingle in the world ("Let's All Be There" will always be the true NBC classic), it does feature everything you could ask for from a misguided network promo: three-camera coverage of Michael Landon holding a balloon, Jay Leno with black hair, and Estelle Getty in a football uniform.

We also get to see how many of the "real" stars of shows can't be bothered to film this promo crap, as Fred Dryer from Hunter and several of the cast members of Cheers sit this one out. And, as per usual with these NBC promos, their decision to ultimately oust David Letterman is foreshadowed by not including a single shot of anyone connected with Late Night. But at least they went through the hassle to hire a dancer stand-in for that ridiculous sequence with Michael Landon, which leads to my favorite YouTube comment on this video:

"Seeing Mike Landon dance like that makes be [sic] sad, thinking how a guy with so much energy would be dead three years later."

Reading moronic YouTube comments like that makes me sad, thinking how a guy with so little ability to delineate fantasy from reality would actually be able to operate a personal computer.

Truly, this is why God created YouTube.

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Sunday, February 11, 2007

GRAMMYS® LIVEBLOGGING: I Give Myself A Good 47 Minutes Before I Start Thinking About Getting Up And Cleaning The Apartment

JohnEats Note: Yes, I'm liveblogging the Grammys® those of you who for some reason are so bored you've decided to stop by and look at this page, MAN are you in for a treat! Keep reloading the page every once in awhile to get all my latest pearls of wisdom on tonight's big event. And if you notice I haven't written anything in awhile, I've probably nodded off, so you might want to give me a wakeup call.

6:55pm: They haven't started yet. Man, I wish I had cable, cuz the reception on our local CBS affiliate S-U-K SUCKS.

7:02pm: It's the moment I waited over twenty four years not to see: The Police are back together, featuring a be-jowled Andy Summers and a bespectacled Stewart Copeland backing up a -- Jesus H. Christ, Sting, PUT ON A F---ING SHIRT.

7:05pm: Jamie Foxx, failing to get the audience interested. Nice jacket, by the way.

7:08pm: Tony Bennett's son is his manager? Oh, nice shoutout to Target, Tony. Oh, and you got the "Stevie Wonderful" joke in there twice -- way to be over seventy years old, gramps. Yes, bring on the orchestra.

7:11pm: "The Dixie Chicks are using some Herbal Essence™!" (--Anonymous A) I think Natalie Maines has had a makeover so she can spend time in the red states without a posse of bodyguards.

7:14pm: I've already had enough of the Chevy commercial.

7:17pm: The appearance of Mandy Patinkin in a commercial has made me start singing Barry Manilow's Mandy. HOLY CRAP, it's Prince, introducing Beyonce! And he's showing CHEST HAIR! Beyonce's certainly selling it -- she's really Jennifer Hudson-ing it up. Ah, the Black-Eyed Peas...I just can't get enough of that functional illiterate Fergie (did you bother to show up to rehearsal, Fergie?). And the winner is...Mary J. Blige! Fellow nominee Prince managed to use her shoulder to prop himself up, that was a nice way to, um, give her some props, Prince.

Um, Mary J....time to get off. Mary J? Mary J??

7:28pm: Looks like a time machine brought Destiny's Child back from 2001 and they're all waiting to sing with Justin Timberlake. Hmmm, so you can still vote...are they paying Simon Cowell royalties for this?

7:31pm: I think it's time for some ice cream.

7:36pm: So at 10:37pm when I'm just about ready to plunge knitting needles into my eyes because the Grammys® haven't ended yet, I can thank the producers for including dipshit things like Justin Timberlake's commentary on how his song came out of him as smoothly as diarrhea.

Um...why is JT's guitar player grinding his butt on JT's back?

Ok, The Police get one song and JT gets to dick around with a handheld camera during a second song? And we're gonna have to sit thru the whole Timberlake Idol thing later, too. Are you there God? It's me, JohnEats. I'd like the next three and a half hours of my life back, please.

7:41pm: Nice faux-hawk, Pink. How was the complimetary cocaine in the green room?

Looks like it's a great night to be Mary J. Blige. She's like the 2005 Norah Jones, or the 1986 Phil Collins.

7:45pm: Hot damn, Lil Jon in a Heinecken ad!

7:48pm: Stevie Wonder is overjoyed to introduce us to the magical trifecta of Starbucks-friendly artists: Corinne Bailey Rae, John Legend and John Mayer. I'll have a grande caramel macchiato, please.

7:57pm: It's the skank brigade presenting the best pop vocal album. Oh, and John Mayer beat JT. I'm excited, really. Holy poop, Michael McDonald is John Mayer's manager?? Yah Mo Be There!

8:05pm: Um, excuse me, but I think I want to speak Spanish. Or just read some Shakira quotes.

8:11pm: Holy crap, Dan Wilson from Trip Shakespeare has really cleaned himself up! By the way, I think the orchestra might consist of nothing but blue staters, because the Dixie Chicks totally went overtime but not a single note was played.

Sonuvabitch, it's the Chevy ad again.

8:20pm: zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz...oh, sorry, just fell asleep during the Grateful Dead thing. Has Gnarls Barkley's 15 minutes run out yet? They are SO gonna be playing state fairs in fifteen years, opening AND closing their sets with Crazy.

8:23pm: Hmmm, looks like my Bowie mirror could use some dusting...

8:24pm: Common got in a nice pre-scripted dig on Kanye. ;-) And the winner is...a short-haired Ludacris, who I think just thanked one of the men responsible for Bartles & James wine coolers. I think he also just wished his father an early, awkward.

8:33pm: Terrence Howard introduces Mary J. Blige by letting us all know how hard it is out there for a pimp. MJB's looking a bit 2001 Glitter-era Mariah in that off-the-shoulder number. But even though she's been talking like she's been in therapy all night, she's definitely belting it out.

8:42pm: Another extra-long, orchestra-free acceptance speech by the Dixie Chicks!

8:48pm: Ah, the grotesque muppet-mouthed Reba's here to Tex it up for us. RIP, The WB.

8:52pm: F---ING FRAT BOY COUNTRY-ROCKERS Rascal Flatts covering Hotel California. I have found my own personal level of Hell.

Somuvabitch, lead singer "Gary LeVox" (there's an original musical pseudonym for ya) looks like he's thinking about his next date rape victim. And I think he just belched onstage. I might vomit now. I don't know.

It just doesn't stop! Now they're singing Life In The Fast Lane! Gary just looked at Carrie Underwood's ass. Stick a fork in me, I'm done.

9:00pm: Thank God, Ornette Coleman's onstage breathing is shallow but slowly returning. Why don't they let him play?!? Oh, because he has to present a high-fiving Carrie Underwood with a Best New Artist award. I'm sorry but at least Corinne Bailey Rae can write her own music...did Carrie Underwood and her American Idol makeover really deserve this?

9:07pm: Samuel L. Jackson and Christina Ricci are onstage pimping their new movie while talking about R&B and hip hop.

Oh dear, looks like Smokey Robinson's had some botox and a whole lotta surgery lately. I wouldn't be singing "Take a good look at my face" if I were him.

LIONEL. RICHIE. HELLO. Damn, he's aged well, he's even lost his mullet! But where's the blind woman doing the sculpture of him?

9:14pm: Chris Brown wins the award for wackiest staging. Wait a minute--was that Kriss Kross? Yikes, that there was a Michael Jackson Pepsi commercial ending!

Waitaminnit, was Xtina supposed to be part of the R&B set? Did I miss something?

9:21pm: Hmmm, John Legend is pimping for Target now.

9:26pm: zzzzzzzzzzzzz...oh, sorry, the president of the Academy is on, and I think he just told everybody that when he was a kid he wanted to swivel his hips for a living. Um, the Grammy® Camp stuff is nice but stick that crap on your website and not in the broadcast so we can all go to bed, thanks.

9:28pm: John Mayer looks unbelievably BORED.

9:33pm: Okay, I was all ready to loudly declare myself in a fit of righteous anger because they didn't do enough of a tribute to James Brown, but as soon as I saw that glittering cape I got choked up.

Even if it did kinda remind me of an Emo Phillips joke about Karen Carpenter.

9:38pm: I hate to admit it, but David Spade actually made me chuckle with his Bowie/Iman reference.

9:40pm: Mary J. Blige just got back from the Grammy® hair salon. We have to go from this to James Fricking Blunt? I think I just got the bends.

9:50pm: Um...Prince bought a Superbowl thank you commercial. Nothin' but class from that guy.

9:52pm: Speaking of classy, Jennifer Hudson's presenting the winner of the Justin Timberlake thing. And the winner is...Robin Troup. This is disturbing, car-wreck television at its finest. I'm actually really nervous that she's gonna screw up really badly. She's doing pretty well so far, altho JT seemed annoyed that she didn't do his little dance perfectly.

9:58pm: Was that a light show or did I just have an aneurysm?

If I shot Quentin Tarantino point blank in the chest with a shotgun, would anybody really mind?

10:01pm: Yet another extra-long Dixie Chicks speech. FINALLY, they get the orchestra to cut them off! GET. OFF. THE. STAGE. PLEASE.

10:09pm: I beg to differ with Chris Rock. There might be another band or a thousand better in the world than the Red Hot Chili Peppers. I really wouldn't mind if Anthony Kiedis got between Quentin Tarantino and my shotgun.

10:13pm: My prayers have been answered! The world's largest confetti is raining down millions of paper cuts on the Red Hot Chili Peppers!

I hope Al Gore makes a comment on how wasteful all the confetti is. Queen Latifah's having some confetti-related wardrobe malfunctions.

10:17pm: Even the cat hates the damn Chevy commercials.

10:24pm: Scarlett Johansson is certainly looking (and sounding) a bit worse for the wear tonight. And Don Henley's got himself a nice looking hair helmet. Did I mention I've seen and heard enough of the Dixie Chicks tonight to last me a friggin' lifetime?

Well, that's it. If you're still reading this, please stop and do something useful with your life.

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Friday, February 09, 2007

WHY GOD CREATED YOUTUBE™: 1983 Panasonic Commercials

The above video brings together three of my all-time favorite things: 1980s television, portable stereo equipment, and Philip Bailey in a shiny silver suit.

Additionally, this second video brings together another three of my all-time favorite things: completely un-portable video equipment, lawsuit-ready musical odes to Michael Sembello, and women videotaping themselves dancing on a plastic floor on a sandy beach at dusk and then watching themselves on TV.

Truly, these two videos are why God created YouTube.

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ENTERTAINMENT DROPPINGS: Anna Nicole Smith Is Dead - What Will Pat O'Brien Do With His Spare Time Now?

As completely un-shocking as the news of Anna Nicole Smith's death was yesterday, this morning I find myself completely shocked by another Anna Nicole fact: there are absolutely no clips available on YouTube that feature lecherous host Pat O'Brien from The Insider either interviewing Anna Nicole or introducing an interview segment with her. Is there no justice in this world?

For an entertainment newsmagazine where each episode consists of approximately 79% Anna Nicole Smith coverage (with the other 21% primarily containing promos for future Anna Nicole stories), this is indeed a startling development.

So unfortunately as a result of this tragedy, the Anna Nicole Smith Death Tribute YouTube Clip will have to be the above: Mark Steines (from Entertainment Tonight) promoting a "riveting" pre-death Anna Nicole interview which was actually an ET/The Insider crossover feature (kind of like when Fantasy Island did a crossover with The Love Boat but not as entertaining).

Rest in peace, Anna Nicole. The celebrity news industry will be forever left with the gaping hole once filled by your drug-addled car wreck of a life.

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Thursday, February 08, 2007


Those of my 3 to 7 regular readers who grew up in the 80s should be able to appreciate this; those of you who did not will probably ignore it. But you'd be doing yourself a disservice, since In The News used to be the cream of the dork crop on Saturday morning television. Christopher Glenn's dulcet narration combined with that goofy synthesizer theme and that awkwardly animated logo (skip ahead to the 1:24 mark if you don't feel like hearing about Washington, D.C.'s cherry blossoms) helped make getting out of bed on Saturday mornings worthwhile.

Oh, and enjoy the bonus McDonald's commercial at the end. It's bland as can be.

Truly, this is why God created YouTube.

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ENTERTAINMENT DROPPINGS: Prince's Superbowl Millinery Wants YOU To "Take Me With U"

Courtesy of TMZ, I'm pleased to be able to bring you the Ebay auction you've been waiting for since Sunday evening: the Prince Superbowl head-kerchief is allegedly up for bids, and you've got over four days left to think it over! It's already just about three times the price of a ticket to his Vega$ revue, but that seems a small price to pay for something that "...still even smells like hairspray and sweat. Its all dry now, but still kool, its like having prince right there with you!!!!" which is pretty true because, much like Prince himself, his bandana is small enough to fit in your pocket.

Thanks, I'll be here all week.

Prince Superbowl Bandana Ebay Auction

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Wednesday, February 07, 2007

WHY GOD CREATED YOUTUBE™: The Coffee Achievers

This is an actual "image ad" commercial from 1984 sponsored by corporate conglomerate the National Coffee Association featuring a wonderfully random series of celebrity endorsers: David Bowie, Kurt Vonnegut, Ken Anderson, Cicely Tyson, Joe Jackson and Jane Curtin, set to the music of one of my all-time favorite guilty pleasures ELO. Much like cigarette ads from the 1950s which tried to claim that smoking tobacco was actually good for your lungs, this ad makes the precious, bold claim that coffee "picks you up and calms you down" -- which might actually be true if you're addicted to caffeine and get the shakes all morning until you get your first hit of your favorite vanilla bullshit latte cappa thing.

The above-embedded version of the commercial is the one I remember, but this alternative version focusing on Cicely Tyson really drives home the calming claim: coffee apparently gives her the ability to stay calm while aggressively slapping a fellow actor across the face. Sweet, sweet coffee!

Truly, this is why God created YouTube.

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Tuesday, February 06, 2007

ENTERTAINMENT DROPPINGS: NASA's finest, Apple vs. Apple vs. Apple, KISS Coffehouse, Andrew Shue

• Looks like somebody lost some critical tiles from their heat shield during re-entry []

• Apple and Apple settle their longstanding legal dispute, agree to join forces in suing Gwyneth Paltrow's son Apple [BBC News]

• There's a KISS coffeehouse? Why the hell didn't any of you tell me about this before?? MYRTLE BEACH ROAD TRIP, DUDES!! []

• This just in: Andrew Shue not up to a whole helluvalot since Melrose got cancelled [IMDB, tipped by Anonymous A]

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Monday, February 05, 2007

ENTERTAINMENT DROPPINGS: Prince, Prince’s Coif, A Brave Friend, And A Pound Of Hot Wings

[JohnEats note: Frequent post tipster Shady has finally taken me up on a longstanding offer to contribute more than just a random link suggestion to John Eats, and has filed this extensive report on Prince's halftime performance at yesterday's Superbowl. Take it away, Shady.]

At the request of JohnEats, I have decided to put my 2007 Super Bowl Halftime experience in writing. Oh, who the hell am I kidding? Do you think I would pass up the opportunity to write about the greatest entertainer of all time, The Purple One, The Artist, The Unpronounceable Symbol, The Un-Michael Jackson, the true heir to the late great James Brown’s throne (whatever M.C. Hammer believes), our guiding musical star, Prince. TANGENT AHEAD: The thing that is so great about Prince is the fact that you can laugh at his tremendous narcissism and still love his showmanship, while admiring his musical talent. Also, The Man knows how to laugh at himself...but only when he is in the mood, Damn Gemini!!! Anyway, the halftime show featuring Prince was promoted early on in the night by some random commercials featuring The Purple One in silhouette popping his collar (as some of my “homies” would say) and getting ready to perform. These commercials foreshadowed the actual halftime experience, but I will get to that later. You would think Prince would let the whole collar-popping/Fonzie-esque/Henry Winkler/James Dean thing go, as it has not been a signifier of coolness since the 1950’s, but I digress.

Anyway, I am sitting in a lovely medium-sized sports bar filled with Bears fans, sipping a strawberry daiquiri, anxiously awaiting the tricks that Prince has up his sleeve (HAHAHAAAAAA!!!). There is talk of what Prince will sing. Hope that he does not succumb to his constant craving of performing an endless guitar solo. We are all praying he keeps it simple and classic and stays away from the political, or any outfit that is assless. But I remain positive that Prince has been briefed by the FCC and will refrain from letting Janet Jackson join him in a duet of Darling Nikki. (That would be something to see). So ten minutes before the halftime show, I switch to drinking cosmopolitans, because that is soooo Prince, and I get ready to be entertained. Then the owner/manager of the bar turns the sound down and we all look at each other with panic and fear. No PRINCE??!!! Are you kidding me? The manager and his henchmen start giving out crappy door prizes like metallic Corona signs and Budwiser t-shirts. The bar is restless. You have many groups in a situation like this: the drunk as a skunk group; those who really want to see Prince; those who think Prince is a has-been; those who want their crappy door prizes, and those who could give a damn either way.

I focus on the three big screens in front of me, and realize that the lights in the stadium are dimming for the performance, and the sound in the bar is still down….. … Then my good friend’s brother does something so brave….So gutsy!….So FUNNY!!! He starts a Prince chant….with no real certainty that the bar will join him ;-). He just knows how much his sister and friend love Prince…So half of the bar starts chanting, “We Want Prince! Give us Prince!” Not exactly the March on Washington, but I get excited and join in. The proverbial drunk guy in the back does his part by screaming “Prince!” at the top of his lungs, in the midst of our chanting. The manager finally concedes defeat (with a silly smirk, I might add). He turns the sound up!!!! Yeah ;-) The bar decides to let him live, even though we have missed three minutes of Prince-Time. But I will never forget the day the Midwest bonded over its prodigal son.

The Performance.

Prince rocks out. He appears on a glowing stage that is shaped like his unpronounceable symbol. It looks great. As normal, Prince seems to have on some type of Versace ensemble. But this time, he represents Miami with bright Don Johnson colors, a funky orange shirt and powder blue suit. On his head is some type of scarf, maybe to protect him from the rain that is pouring down (hint). He has two girls shaking their groove things in the background, and they eventually move to his side. Why does Prince need two women with him at all times, throwing their legs on top of him? Does anyone remember “Diamond” and “Pearl”? Maybe it is a sign of coolness. Maybe he is compensating for his height. The world wonders.

As part of his set, Prince performs “Baby I am a Star” and “Let’s go Crazy”. But he can’t resist throwing in some obscure song that no one in the bar recognizes. [JohnEats note: Shady may be referring here to Prince’s cover of “Proud Mary” along with his Dylan-via-Hendrix version of “All Along The Watchtower.”] At some point, some regret the fuss about the sound being turned down.

But then it happens.

As the rain pours down in Miami, the stadium gets dark, or maybe even Purple. Yes folks, you guessed it. The marching band (Did I mention there was a marching band?) glows in the dark and starts playing that familiar tune, Purple Rain. PURPLE RAIN IN THE RAIN. I’m in heaven!!! Those cosmos served me well. I’ve got a buzz going and all is right with the world. The bar folk try to remember the lyrics to the song, and begin half-heartedly singing. This is what we have been waiting for. Lighters are pulled out, on TV, and in the bar. Then Prince disappears behind a flappy sheet thing and all you see is his silhouette as he performs the haunting guitar solo featured in Purple Rain. No one minds how long it takes.

A minute later, he reappears. And the whole Super Bowl audience sees that his hair has been messed up by the rain and he is barely enduring the storm. Do you really think Prince likes getting his hair wet? I think not, my friend. All through the performance, friends are sending me texts acknowledging my love for Prince…and there are questions about that head scarf. Damn text messages!! Finally, it is all over. And I breathe a sigh of relief. Prince has not embarrassed himself or his fans. And his halftime performance beats Billy Joel’s version of the national anthem on any day. After Prince goes off, I order a pound of hot wings to share with my good friend, and anxiously await the K-fed commercial. The bar settles down as the Bears get their butts kicked. I ponder how a Michael Jackson chant would go these days. I decide I don’t care. My friend’s brother tells my buddy that she owes him for starting the chant. These kinds of debts can never be repaid.

I don’t even care the Bears lost. Prince and the Super Bowl were made one and will live forever through Tivo and YouTube. AMEN.

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WHY GOD CREATED YOUTUBE™: Battle Of The Superbowl Halftime Extravaganzas

Prince, 2007: live music in the pouring rain:

Michael Jackson, 1993: lipsynched music in the bright sunshine:

We report, you decide.

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ENTERTAINMENT DROPPINGS: Chewbacca, Ryan O'Neal, Bud.TV, B-Fleck

• In one brief, misguided incident, Chewbacca does less to tarnish the cultural legacy of Star Wars than George Lucas did over the course of three piss-poor prequels [ABC7 Los Angeles]

• Ryan O'Neal, son audition for new reality series [BBC News]

• "This viral, throwaway comedy video is hilarious! Wait -- it was produced by Budweiser? Suddenly I feel the urge to drink shitty beer while surfing the internet in my underwear! Life is good." [New York Times]

• Too bad it also didn't make him quit acting []

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Friday, February 02, 2007


Dipshit Wausau woman mistakes umbrella stand for landmine; bomb squad called in for defusing [link via BoingBoing]

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WHY GOD CREATED YOUTUBE™: A Very Special Episode Of Tyra

At the behest of Shady, today's video concerns my favorite living embodiment of the Peter Principle. Yesterday on a very special episode of Tyra, Tyra lashed out at the tabloids who ran an unflattering photo of her on the beach under headlines like "America's Next Top Waddle." So to get back at them, Tyra quite gutsily appeared on her show in that very same "unflattering" swimsuit and managed to turn what could have been a self-absorbed "Look, I'm not really that fat!" moment into a surprisingly cogent (though no less comedically delivered) rant about female body image in mainstream America. And while you need to find the video included in her official site's episode recap in order to get the rant's punchline (complete with gratuitous audience whooping/crying), these three YouTube videos still do the trick.

Granted, she may have let herself give in to some late night attacks of the munchies, but Tyra's got a ways to go before you can say her look is entirely "average" since she's still spending a schmillion dollars on more bleaching and straightening than Beyonce. Regardless, it's car-wreck fascinating to watch her efforts to keep a toe in both the "average American woman" audience of a daily talk show and the fashionista crowd of Top Model. I'm not ready to give up my Peter Principle talk just yet -- she'll need to be able to present this stuff without the shrieking and crying she resorts to on every episode of Top Model when she shows her "girls" how to "act" -- but I gotta cut her some slack for trying so hard.

Truly, this is why God created YouTube.

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Thursday, February 01, 2007

ENTERTAINMENT DROPPINGS: William Shatner, Russell Crowe, Robert Van Winkle, Asshole With Ascot

• Ballet + Milwaukee + William Shatner = JOHN EATS ROAD TRIP! []

• Russell Crowe "linked to another dismal failure" [BBC News]

• Vanilla Ice isn't the same young, irrelevant white rapper rapper he used to be -- he's kinda old now [Newsweek]

Asshole with Ascot gets kinda defensive when asked why he lives his life like such an asshole [Page Six]

[Thanks to Anonymous A for item 1's tip and Shady for item 3's tip]

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