Tuesday, July 24, 2007

THE TOP 75 CELEBRITIES WHOSE EXISTENCE SO OFFENDS ME THAT JUST LOOKING AT A PICTURE OF THEM MAKES ME WANT TO COMMIT RANDOM ACTS OF VIOLENCE™

#61: Brendan Fraser

Pressing needles into a living butterfly...tipping over a banquet table at a wedding reception...driving one of those little Shriner cars over a little kid's sandcastle on a crowded beach...these are just a few of the urges I have to suppress every time I so much as look at a photo of Brendan Fraser, everyone's favorite live action cartoon character actor. Why? Is it the slightly Marty Feldman-esque eyes? The faux sensitivity that seeks to mask the lack of a functioning brain stem? Is it that not-so-fresh feeling? Or is it just The Mummy? I honestly don't know. But surely it can't just be me who sees Brendan Fraser and feels like baking thumbtacks into a blueberry pie at a pie-eating contest, is it?

Well, IS IT??

6 Comments:

Anonymous Michael Knight said...

I also hate this guy.

If you want a real treat, track down the episode where he is interviewed on the Actors Studio by James Lipton (another celebrity who might cause some people hurl javelins into the crowd at a Police concert).

1:49 PM  
Blogger SummerSparrow said...

Pathetic. You know why you want to hurl when you see him, because you have no life. You want HIS life, you don't like him because women LOVE him. He is a good actor, a nice person. Maybe if he got drunk and made an ass out of himself you'd think he was OK. Oh, but look who I'm talking to, a guy that calls his blog "John Eats". Talk about low brain stem function. You won't post this, you don't have balls. Your only motivation is life is put down others that actually do something.

10:09 AM  
Blogger John Eats said...

Oh, exactly, SummerSparrow, you've hit the nail on the head about me. I have a desperate need to act in crappy movies and to feel just insecure enough that I feel a need to get hair implants to cover up my baldness.

I have to say I'm a bit curious if my posting your tirade will force you to reassess the possibility of my testicular ownership.

I'll admit, you're partially correct in your analysis of my only motivation in life; however, there's one other thing (and ONLY one other thing) I like to do: post angry comments on my blog written by people who get so defensive when someone criticizes their masturbation fantasies* that they forget the basic rules of grammar.

----
*or possibly THEMSELVES (if this happens to be Brendan Googling himself and creating a fake Blogger account just to post a comment in his own defense)

12:55 PM  
Anonymous Hittie said...

I think you’re absolutely right, SummerSparrow. I smell jealousy here. And rightfully so. The creativity, humor, seriousness and passion, accomplishment, intelligence, versatility, social consciousness, and pure niceness and decency Brendan displays, plus his physical attractiveness, is irresistible to many women, and on so many levels. Way beyond “masturbation fantasies,” to a true admiration and respect. Many men just can’t handle it. I think that’s what we have here.

When some pathetic geek sits at his computer thrilling himself writing the perfect insult so people will be wowed by his unbelievable cleverness—it’s known as another kind of self-pleasuring…“masturbation on the page.” And it’s very sad.

"(if this happens to be Brendan Googling himself and creating a fake Blogger account just to post a comment in his own defense)"

Ha ha. John Eats, I hate to break it to you, but Brendan is a busy guy with a diverse film career and a family life that he pours himself into. I’m sure he doesn’t give a sh*t what you think of him.

7:12 PM  
Blogger John Eats said...

WAIT A MINUTE...there are women in this world who actually want to have sex with a washed-up celebrity, and NOT with me?? Where have I gone wrong? Did I forget to take a shower this morning?

Hittie, you are SO right...it's like you can read my mind. This is pure jealousy, as is every other entry in my list of 75 celebrities whose existence offends me, whether that celebrity be male or female.

It has absolutely nothing to do with the fact that Brendan's physical appearance gives me the heebie-jeebies, or the fact that I think he can't act his way out of a paper bag, or the fact that the general public has pretty much given up on him ever since the last Mummy movie tanked...this is purely because I'm jealous that some women might find him attractive. I am such a lowly, loathesome excuse for a human being in comparison to the mighty Brendan Fraser, and my libido is so utterly unquenched that the mere thought that there is a male celebrity who inspires women to leap to his defense because they themselves are a bit unfulfilled and need to fantasize about their cross-eyed dreamboat, that I just can't help myself -- I SEETHE WITH A JEALOUS RAGE!! But that's all changed now...the scales have fallen from my eyes, and I owe it all to you.

I'm just relieved you've been able to let me know how I really think and feel. God forbid I was writing these things just to make some of my friends laugh and that, honest to christ, I don't actually give a rat's ass about Brendan Fraser...I'm lucky you've been able to set me straight. Whew.

(btw, thanks for calling me "unbelievably clever." That means you'd like to date me, right?)

8:59 PM  
Anonymous Hittie said...

"ever since the last Mummy movie tanked"

Ahh, but you're wrong--The Mummy Returns grossed over $433 million worldwide. I'd hardly call that "tanking." So much for your credibility, young man!

Funny how I listed a whole ton of things about Brendan that we women love, and still, you insist it all boils down to sex. That lowers your credibility even more than the above. LOL.

I know that you are insulted by our suggestions that you are jealous of Brendan (I can tell by your sarcastic ranting.) But remember that this is a blog on the Internet, NOT a private conversation with your buddies. If you're going to post such venom on the Net, expect some people to oppose your viewpoint and question your motivation. If you can't take the heat, then get out of the kitchen!

And now, I'm out of here...I hate the tone of this thread almost as much as the original post that spawned it (if that's possible.)

12:54 AM  

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