Thursday, October 19, 2006

An Adult Star Is Born

After having rewritten the Bayside school song, having mercilessly beaten the piss out of Horshack, and having managed to teach us all how to sacrifice our queen you would think Dustin Diamond's "Things to do Before I Die" list would be all checked off...but you'd be wrong.

Diamond has chosen to topple a question that's as old as time itself, "How do I nail two women, videotape it, get paid for it, and avoid that pesky 'adult actor' label?" Using a scheme worthy of Zach Morris, the sleeze bag himself reveals his secret in an interview with Us Weekly: he and some pals each made sex tapes as a joke. He says that someone leaked his tape, but insists he doesn't know who.
The classic joke among friends (taping yourself with two "roofied" women who were lured back to your nearly foreclosed home) was turned against our protagonist. But unlike Paris he isn't just going to lie down and take it (pun intended). He's taking it to the bank by taking a cut of the profits.

As for the instant cinema classic, the film--set to release next month--has a working title of "Saved by the Smell," a title which the New York Daily tactfully explains to us:
We can't get too graphic here, but word is that the action includes some bodily functions and an act known as a "Dirty Sanchez."
Be sure to check back as the Editor in Chief of JohnEats supplies streaming audio of his immediate reaction while watching the film.


Blogger John Eats said...

Huh. Huh.

He said "streaming."


7:02 AM  
Anonymous "A" said...

But from what I heard, he didn't want to do it.

(That's a ringtone, by the way. From Dustin's site. No, really. I can't take it anymore. Please stop.)

I blame Viacom (MTV, VH1, etc.) for turning every former child star into an entertaining train wreck. Dance, monkey, dance!

Except you, Screech. Please put your pants back on and sit down. Please.

8:08 AM  
Blogger Crispinus said...

What kills me about this is that the video, instead of granting him the cred he craves, only rveals him as a bigger, more desperate geek -- like a nerd poised on the roof of a house, shouting down to all the cool kids that he's gonna jump.

The equivalent of the rooftop here is the quasi-mythical "Dirty Sanchez" -- yeah, it gets talked about, but how often is it done?

Jump, geek.

9:36 AM  
Blogger Psychictoad said...

Yes, Chief, it was the closest I could get to using the word "steaming" and still maintain the level of integrity which JohnEats readers expect.

9:58 AM  
Blogger John Eats said...

Crispinus: I totally agree. In his misguided attempt to use an "adult" video to make people forget his childish role on a teeny-bopper sitcom, all he's done is burn the phrase "Screech Sex Tape" into the minds of the general public.

10:00 AM  

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