Thursday, October 26, 2006

FIERCEFILE™: Buh-Bye, Texas Toast!

Honestly, there isn't much to summarize about this week's episode of America's Next Top Model, so I'll do it in a series of bullet points:

• Jaeda misses her hair.

• Anchal thinks she's fat.

• Melrose is a lucky b*tch.

• The twins are boring.

• Eugena can't emote with her eyes.

• Tyra took some pictures and tried to be arty yet again (she sure has a thing for black and white).

• Dita VonTeese managed to embody the oxymoron "conservatively burlesque".

Okay, that brings us to Fabio. Who else noticed that during this episode of ANTM we were treated to the first new I Can't Believe It's Not Butter!® commercial in like six years? Coincidence? At least it wasn't a special one for I Can't Believe It's Not Butter!®...Spray. And while we're on the subject of ANTM advertising, what happened to the CWH feature from the first episode? I want my lines of advertising and content a little more blurred again, people!

Anyway, back to Fabio. Was it not a little odd to watch the models posing provocatively with a man who probably has liver spots older than they are? I must say he was in it a bit more than I expected, considering this cycle's guest spots have been little more than 15 second cameos (like Queen "The Clump Stops Here" Latifah and Dennis "Combforward-cabana" Quaid). His between-photoshoot banter with the models gave a good opportunity to test the Playful/Creepy Detection Meter I built last week with a Radio Shack® diode kit I dug out of my parents' basement.

I was robbed of my bottom two prediction from last week, but I have to admit Anchal and Jaeda were definitely better this week than Eugena and Brooke. The proof's in the pictures, as always. But before I get to analyzing the models' performances, let's look at a picture of Michelle and Fabio. Talk about not being focused...where the hell is he looking? Was Jay Manuel doing something particularly interesting with his leather pants at this moment? Fabio's completely uninvolved in the shot, and that can't have helped Michelle.

Eugena has dead eyes. I think that could be the basis for a drinking game during this cycle. Haven't they said that like five times each episode so far? Leave it to the judges to harp on a physical characteristic that a model can do absolutely nothing about. I mean, maybe secretly Eugena is like Sandy Duncan and has a glass eye--did they ever think about that? But really, this photo is pretty awful. Even Fabio's hair-sniffing isn't enough to make it interesting.

Even with Tyra's criticism of her booty placement, Anchal was able to make her shoot work this week, if only because they finally gave her a concept that she could work with. I mean, this is a little better than the Harpo Marx/Steadman thing. They still seem to have trouble with her culturally though--they keep making her model as a black person or here as a Middle Eastern character...I guess there aren't enough South Asian pop culture stereotype situations that the writers can place her in without making the American audience's collective head explode. The only options they'd really have would be to do a Bollywood thing, a Qwik-E-Mart or maybe a Bend It Like Beckham photoshoot. That's it! Maybe next week's guest is Jonathan Rhys-Myers!

Jaeda has short hair now, did anyone mention that yet? Oh, I did already. Sorry, I just thought maybe you weren't aware of the fact that Jaeda has short hair and she doesn't like it. Not that we haven't been told this FIFTY FRICKIN TIMES every episode or anything. Maybe if she had long hair she wouldn't have had such a problem with this photoshoot...perhaps the extra hair may have helped shield her from having to smell the hot, I Can't Believe It's Not Butter!®-laced breath of Fabio as he pretended her ear was a moist and delicious muffin dripping in I Can't Believe It's Not Butter!®.

And finally, Brooke. Buh-bye, Texas Toast! The thickness of Fabio's I Can't Believe It's Not Butter!®-coated thigh was just too much for our little high school senior this week, and her picture s-u-c-k-e-d.Thank god they had the guts to boot her off on her high school graduation day...suddenly Brooke's life went from a being like an episode of Degrassi Junior High to being like the ending of a French art film. Such poetic justice! Boo-hoo, she's missed graduation and been booted off Top Model--she's lost everything!!! Luckily Ty-Ty spanked her back to reality by telling her she should be thankful she got that far. Beautiful! Now we don't have to listen to Brooke's whiny robotic prom queen babble anymore!!

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