Thursday, October 12, 2006

Ms. Sawyer, Don't Make Me Angry...You Wouldn't Like Me When I'm Angry.

In a shocking expose with Diane Sawyer, modern-day Oscar Schindler, Mel Gibson, revealed some startling news about his recent battle with his inner "monster," and the revelation that it brought him. In the interview, Gibson reveals a startling new discovery regarding the gateway drug alcohol: Years of alcoholism can ultimately lead to anti-Semitism.

Researchers were stunned by the news and, thanks to Gibson's extensive research, they finally have proof that the same gene that causes the insatiable desire to burn your esophagus with Oaxacan Mescal, is also the gene that causes uncontrollable hatred of the descendents of Abraham. (In an unrelated story, the gene has also been proven to make people into raging assholes.)

Despite his affliction, Gibson moves on with the help from his friends. He also told Ms. Sawyer that while he realized he could not "put the toothpaste back in the tube," he assured her that he plans to continue making subtitled snuff films for the foreseeable future.

Our story does have a light at the end of the tunnel. As it turns out Gibson can be saved. Oddly enough the only thing that can save him from becoming irreversibly anti-Semitic is the God of the Christian Church. Until Jesus fixes his broken wagon though, Gibson is believed to be dead, and he must let the world think that he is dead until he can find a way to control the raging spirit that dwells within him.

In support of Gibson's struggle with Oaxacan Mescal, we here at JohnEats have given him a way to track each day of sobriety as if it was his last. Play along with Gibson and see how hard 65 days of sobriety can be with SobrietyWatchâ„¢. We ask that JohnEats readers remember that if you see a drunken celebrity spewing anti-Semitic remarks, please, tell a friend. Only together can we stop alcohol-related celebrity anti-Semitism.

2 Comments:

Blogger John Eats said...

Excellent debut post, Psychictoad! Here here.

And now it's time to reveal a bit of behind-the-scenes trivia to our 3 to 7 readers (think of this as a sort of commentary track on the metaphorical DVD that this blog represents). Psychictoad and I had a meeting regarding the content of this post yesterday afternoon wherein we decided that one of the few lines we would not cross was the inclusion of any Hitler jokes in our John Eats posts.

However, that doesn't stop me from linking to one in the comments.

6:02 AM  
Anonymous "A" said...

More JohnEats! :-)

10:26 AM  

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