WHY GOD CREATED YOUTUBE™: Judge Judy and Johnny Rotten

How is it that I've avoided all knowledge of this for almost ten years? In 1998, former Sex Pistol and P.I.L. frontman John Lydon appeared on an episode of Judge Judy, being sued for wrongful dismissal and assault by a man hired to be the drummer for one of his tours. What is presented here is absolutely fascinating, with Judy constantly telling both Lydon and the plaintiff to keep their mouths shut and threatening to boot them both out of the coutroom. At over seven minutes long this might be a bit of a long haul, but it's worth staying until the end to catch the post-trial interview, where we get to see what a difference twenty years makes in Lydon's opinions of authority figures. A true classic in every sense of the word.

Truly, this is why God created YouTube.

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WHY GOD CREATED YOUTUBE™: "MOTORINNNNNNNN" ... Er, I Mean "Sister Christian" by Night Ranger

Earlier this week, Shady challenged me to find a way to work this song into one of my posts...and although it would have been nice to make it a sly reference in a post about something else, I think this video is worth a moment in the spotlight. Embarrassingly, when Shady described it to me as "that cheesy song that starts out kinda quiet and then builds up to the guy singing 'MOTORINNNNNNNN'," I couldn't immediately tell her the real name of the song OR who sang it. I mean, I remember listening to it while driving around in high school with one particular friend of mine who, somewhat stereotypically, was as clean cut as your typical Young Republican yet was totally into all the hair bands like Night Ranger (altho his all-time favorite was Bon Jovi), so it breaks my heart that I wasn't able to retrieve this data as quickly as I could, say, give you a list of every single released from No Jacket Required. I wasn't even sure of the refrain's real lyrics, but I'm proud to say I did not steer you wrong, Shady: he really is singing "What's your price for flight?" in there, which is either a stroke of non-sequiter genius, the biggest pile of lyrical gibberish this side of "mama se/mama sa/mama coo sa," or the worst attempt at poetically expressing the desire to pay an underage woman for sexual favors ever put to song.

But enough chit chat, it's time for you to give Night Ranger a look-see. First, I have to mention this song's groundbreaking use of quiet/loud contrast in the verses and choruses, undoubtedly an inspiration to both The Pixies and Nirvana. Second, please note my two favorite visual moments here: (1) when the drummer lip syncs within a lip-synched video (he's just SO feelin' it that you almost feel like you've caught him alone in his room mouthing the lyrics into a mirror) and (2) when the graduating girl inevitably flings off her robes, runs down the stairs of the school and into the waiting convertible driven by Night Ranger, which then drives off into the sunset. Absolutely classic.

Truly, this "embedding-disabled-by-request" video is why God created YouTube.

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THE BALD GUYZ® SAGA CONTINUES...

They just won't let it go. The Head Bald Guy (or someone else in Pequannock, New Jersey who has a vested interest in the BALD GUYZ® brand) has decided it's time to post another self-defeating, needlessly defensive comment about their Head Wipez:

Anonymous said...

Baby wipes for the head? NOT. Baby wipes leave a moisture barrier to protect the baby's bottom. Would you want a residue on your head, face? ? I don't think so. Maybe the 40 million bald heads need a specific product for them? Before you spew your stupid comments perhaps you should do some diligence and find out what you are talking about....oh I know, since you can't eat it, why bother spending time on it.

Check out my response if you find this at all entertaining. I just can't believe this thing won't die. They're giving me some great material!

Excuse me while I go "do some diligence." Kee-rist!

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AARON SPELLING: AFFIRMATIONS FROM A PRIME-TIME LIFE™

Another exciting chapter in our ongoing series presenting the pearls of wisdom of a television icon . . .

"One thing that's rarely happened at our company is firing an actor in the middle of a season. We'll just live through it and during the hiatus we just don't pick up the actor or actress, so officially it hurts the actor less. When there's a problem, the actor has ample warning. We really do try to work things out. But the old adage that one bad apple can taint the whole bushel is very true. It's also the reason we've never hired an actor named 'Apple.' Ugh, forgive me for that.

"Herve [Villechaize] used to have a sign outside his trailer [on the Fantasy Island set] that said, 'The Doctor of Sex.' When he was in his trailer, he would turn the sign around and it would say, 'The doctor is in.'"

--Aaron Spelling (as written by Jefferson Graham)

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WHY GOD CREATED YOUTUBE™: Seona Dancing

What better way to help celebrate the phoenix-like return of TJ-Hooker.com than to present the first in what is hopefully an ongoing series of post suggestions from none other than fellow Hooker devotee Johnny Durrell. Johnny's obsession with the sadder side of celebrity was one of the main driving forces behind the slyly derogatory tone of our Hooker work, so it's only fitting that he provide me with with a link to a video celebrating the dashed hopes of Ricky Gervais' failed career as an '80s pop star in his disturbingly pretentiously-named band Seona Dancing. Ricky was no Adam Ant, that's for sure.

Truly, this is why God created YouTube.

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That "Something" is Here

The "something" that I mentioned awhile back is finally ready to be properly pimped. TJ-HOOKER.COM, the Internet's premiere source of information about William Shatner's seminal '80s cop show (or, as I like to refer to it, "America's Greatest Cop Show") is properly back online. I started this site back in 1999 with nine html pages and a dream. By 2001, with a two-man crew consisting of myself and old pal Johnny Durrell, TJ-Hooker.com had blossomed into an online juggernaut before ISP issues forced me to take it offline. It's been hosted on a free server for awhile now, but it was a pale shadow of its former self, with no multimedia to speak of. All that's finally changed now...some of the best parts of the site, unseen for almost five years, are back, including:

• The T.J. Hooker Soundtrack Album

• Sound Clips

• Online Games

• Mr. T vs. T.J. Hooker

• Fan Fiction

• An Interview with William Shatner's Stand-In

• An all-new t-shirt shop

• Three years' worth of weekly online polls

And oh-so disturbingly much, MUCH more.

Oh, and don't forget to check out Hooker on Myspace and read his Livejournal.

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ADVENTURES IN THE DESIGN WORLD™: The Unfortunate Medical Malpractice Advertisement on the Damen Bus

It's lucky for me that this poster only seems to be displayed on the Damen bus in Chicago, because if it was on the Brown Line or something else I use every day I probably would have torn it down and been fined by now. Lucky for me, I just get to admire its ghastliness occasionally, and consequently have grown rather fond of it. I mean, it's got so much going for it. Like how it uses at least five different fonts and type weights -- and of course, two different serif fonts (you want typographic contrast, you got it!). And its liberal use of underlining, always the mark of excellent design. Then you've got the whole centering thing -- magnifique. Oh, and the novella's worth of copy is pretty marvelous too. But obviously, my favorite part of this poster has to be this:

Yes, the aggressive, compassionate, and experienced Don must be just too busy to get himself photographed with a real live person in a wheelchair, otherwise they wouldn't have had to Photoshop him into a picture with one. I mean, come on, at least try to get the color balance right. And maybe try to keep him in proportion with the guy in the wheelchair (unless this happens to be a midget in a wheelchair). An attempt at a consistent light source might help do the trick too. Or just HAVE THE COJONES TO F*CKING POSE WITH A REAL LIVE PERSON IN A WHEELCHAIR, YOU DOLT.

Sorry, guess I lost it there for a second.

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OVERHEARD ONE-ACT THEATRE™: Starbucks® SNAFU

Starbucks® SNAFU
A one-act play transcribed by JohnEats


INTERIOR: A Starbucks® micro-café inside a suburban Target® store. It is near lunchtime. Behind the counter, two SIXTEEN YEAR-OLD FEMALE BARISTAS do their best to fill drink orders. To one side of the counter, a MOTHER, ABOUT FORTYISH walks over to join her three CHILDREN, RANGING IN AGE FROM AT LEAST FIVE TO NO MORE THAN ELEVEN once she picks up her drink order. ANONYMOUS A has placed an order; JOHN EATS keeps to the sidelines.

Suddenly there is a slight commotion amongst the MOTHER and her CHILDREN. The MOTHER moves back up toward the counter, cutting in front of ANONYMOUS A.

MOTHER, ABOUT FORTYISH: Is this a vanilla latte? It tastes like there's vanilla in here.

SIXTEEN YEAR-OLD FEMALE BARISTA 1: Yes, it's a vanilla latte.

MOTHER, ABOUT FORTYISH: See, I don't even like vanilla. I didn't order a vanilla latte.

The CHILDREN walk up to surround their MOTHER and get a better view of the action.

SIXTEEN YEAR-OLD FEMALE BARISTA 2: Yes you did, ma'am.

SIXTEEN YEAR-OLD FEMALE BARISTA 1: You said Grande Vanilla Latte--

MOTHER, ABOUT FORTYISH: I did not say Grande Vanilla Latte, I said Grande Latte! Plus this took forever for you to make!

SIXTEEN YEAR-OLD FEMALE BARISTA 2: But, ma'am, the machine is broken!

SIXTEEN YEAR-OLD FEMALE BARISTA 1: We can make you another one, it's no problem.

MOTHER, ABOUT FORTYISH: No, I don't want another one. I'm in a hurry! That's it. You know what? (slams drink down on counter) I want my money back. And I want to speak to a manager.

SIXTEEN YEAR-OLD FEMALE BARISTA 2 hands ANONYMOUS A her drink order. ANONYMOUS A moves away from the counter towards JOHN EATS.

SIXTEEN YEAR-OLD FEMALE BARISTA 1: Ma'am, please, the machine is broken so we had to make it by hand, that's what took so--

MOTHER, ABOUT FORTYISH: I understand, honey, that part's not your fault, but you didn't listen to me, it took forever to get me my drink and I don't have time for this. And now I want my money back and I want to speak to a manager! You got a manager back there?

ANONYMOUS A and JOHN EATS walk away.

(Curtain.)

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WHY GOD CREATED YOUTUBE™: "Let's Paint, Cook, Jog & Play Chess"

O. M. G. That's what I said after about the first three seconds of watching this video so graciously sent to me by The Cheese Kurd. He told me I should be afraid, but how can I fear that which I don't understand? If you, dear readers, make it through the entire 8 minutes and 32 seconds like I did, you will be rewarded with one of the most surreal displays of multitasking ever put to videotape. And don't forget, kids: "We're bound to get a couple calls like that."

Truly, this is why God created YouTube.

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THE TOP 75 CELEBRITIES WHOSE EXISTENCE SO OFFENDS ME THAT JUST LOOKING AT A PICTURE OF THEM MAKES ME WANT TO COMMIT RANDOM ACTS OF VIOLENCE™

#66: Kevin Spacey
Ok, I know this one's gonna get me some hate mail because I'm like the only person on Earth who's not a card-carrying member of the Cult of Spacey, so I figure I'd better give some solid explanations as to why just looking at a picture of him makes me want to smash glass over my head. It's not that I think he's a bad actor, he just always seems to play Himself (i.e. a prick). But the real moment I finally realized he made me want to throw firecrackers at gerbils was when I accidentally stumbled across this and just couldn't stop watching -- pretty much every move he made was like nails on a fricking chalkboard to me. I got angrier and angrier with each passing second. It was supposed to be a tribute to someone else and he made it the ultimate in "Look at ME!" moments. Then came his "mysterious" "mugging" in London a few years back, which obviously wasn't a blatant lie to cover up that a certain someone probably agreed to meet another someone (and by "another someone" I mean "a young boy") in a park at 4am to do "something" and it went wrong and so he had to come up with something better (and by "better" I mean "something that shifts blame onto the young boy so he doesn't get himself arrested or outed") than the truth to tell the press, although perhaps Spacey should be commended for setting the precedent that allows celebrities to use tripping over their dogs as an all-purpose cover story.

But these things are just icing on the cake really...with the Spacester it's really the whole package that makes me want to lob a grenade into a crowded zoo. Can I help it if I haven't succumbed to his impressive powers of mind control that have captivated the world? I mean, can I???

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WHY GOD CREATED YOUTUBE™: "Just A Friend" by Biz Markie

Yesterday I had a conversation with three people who had never heard of Biz Markie. And they didn't know this song, even after I sang the chorus! I actually felt sad for them. After all, this song is Lil Mama's first MTV memory! I mean really, what kind of a life is it where you can make it to the year 2007 without experiencing firsthand pop culture's first use of the expression "Oh, snap!"? But I guess that's why God created YouTube.

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WHY GOD CREATED YOUTUBE™: The ABC Sunday Night Movie - "Salvage" (1979)

Okay, this tip from Crispinus is one hum-dinger of a double-whammy. First of all, we get the ABC Sunday Night Movie animation sequence...what can you say, really? Yes, its look and sound is horribly dated, but you've gotta admit for pre-digital animation it's pretty impressive. Well, maybe you don't have to admit it, but I think it's a pretty snazzy bit of cheesiness.

But the real gem of this clip lies in Salvage, the original pilot "movie" for the tv series Salvage-1, starring Andy Griffith (Mayberry RFD, Matlock) and Joel Higgins (Best of the West, Silver Spoons) about a junkyard owner who decides to build a rocket ship out of scrap metal and use it to salvage space junk to sell for exorbitant fees. I think I watched every episode of it, always hoping it would be as good as the original movie where DUDE they went to the MOON!! But alas it was not to be, and it was cancelled before it could even live out a full season run. Maybe Billy Bob Thornton (Armageddon, Matlock) should have checked the ratings history of this before he decided to star in a movie dud that vaguely ripped it off.

Truly, this is why God created YouTube.

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THE BALD GUYZ® SAGA

You know, I was perfectly happy to let go of the whole Bald Guyz® thing after my original post failed to take the blogzosphere by storm. But a funny thing happened on the way to Internet obscurity. Those of you who just use your little Googletronic RSS feedbags to read this site and don't actually peruse the comments have missed what is now a quite entertaining ongoing saga, so here's a post about it to give you a headz-up.

It all started when someone claiming to be the owner of the Bald Guyz® company (and let's face it, it's gotta be the real deal -- would someone actually pretend to be the owner of a company named "Bald Guyz®"?) got a little touchy about the fact that I posted something about one of his products that wasn't 100% glowingly positive. As you can see if you check out the comments on the original post, I responded with some typically asinine "flamewar" banter. Then that was the end of it, since Head Bald Guy must have figured it was better to cut his losses and leave me alone instead of risk generating any more negative online talk about his productz. A smart move considering only about three and a half people actually read this blog anyway.

But now this weekend, the battle is rejoined -- however, this time it's one of the "real live bald guyz" whose faces grace the cover of Bald Guyz® Refreshing Head Wipez™...well, I can't be sure, because he posted his comment as "Anonymous", but my site stats show that "someone" Googled himself around midnight Saturday night and spent about half an hour coming up with this depressing salvo in a pathetic, rapidly escalating war of words:

Anonymous [Shawn Wilson, Reseacher] said...

John,

Were you high when you wrote this post? Why did you get so worked up on a product for bald men? Is it because the "Head Bald Guy" didn't select you as the real bald guy for the Head Wipes? If you go to the Bald Guyz Web site you can send in your pic for a chance to be on the cover just like anyone else. Its pretty lame of you to single out "Shawn Wilson the Researcher" just because he's ten times better looking than you. A more suitable target of your anger would be your parents for procreating a few decades ago.

You'll have to check out the comments on the original post for my reply.

If anything else of note happens, I'll keep you posted in another installment of THE BALD GUYZ® SAGA.

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Something's Coming...

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WHY GOD CREATED YOUTUBE™: Tin Tin Redubbed

You don't have to know anything about the original Tin Tin comic to appreciate these redubbed snippets of cartoons I found out about on Metafilter yesterday. And altho the majority of commenters over there seem to find these completely unfunny, I watched about ten of them in a row last night (just do a YouTube search for "Tin Tin" and you'll find them) and couldn't stop laughing. Yes, there's nothing at all intellectually humorous about them. Yes, you probably last thought that merely swearing was enough to make you laugh back in the sixth grade. And yes, just about every third word in these scenes is ridiculously offensive. But to me, for some reason, these are fookin' hilarious, even if they're shite.

Truly, this is why God created YouTube.

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THE TOP 75 CELEBRITIES WHOSE EXISTENCE SO OFFENDS ME THAT JUST LOOKING AT A PICTURE OF THEM MAKES ME WANT TO COMMIT RANDOM ACTS OF VIOLENCE™

#67: Pete Wentz

Suburban Wilmette, Illinois "punk" Pete Wentz wasn't even on my radar until a few months ago, but boy have things changed. The first time I saw a picture of him I desperately felt an urge to give somebody a nasty papercut, then assumed it would quickly go away. But just when I thought I'd forgotten about little Pseudo-Punk Petey, I go and stumble on this and I'm like "Damn, I need to knock over somebody's mailbox with a baseball bat" and then like months later, I run across this and I'm all like "Sonuvabitch!! I really wanna throw thumbtacks underneath the tires of random parked cars!" and then finally last night I read this and I'm like "That is IT you little faux-emo, horse-teethed, Ashlee Simpson-lovin', still-living-in-your-parents'-house beeyotch, you are ON. THE. LIST."

Christ Jesus.

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BYTE ME™: Midwest Gaming Classic, Oconomowoc, Wisconsin

So I didn't go insane, but I did make a purchase.

The Midwest Gaming Classic proved itself pretty worthy of the road trip up to Oconomowoc, past the Poblocki Paving Sign and the Amish Barn. Anonymous A even won something - because the key she was given when we bought our tickets actually opened the "magic treasure chest" inside the free play room, and she was the envy of every dork within a 25-foot radius. We also spotted a Snack Attack Kenny in the dangerously unhygenic dining area, but Dartanjal failed to capture him on film. We even got to talk to a man who had a frizzy pony tail and was bleeding from the chin!

But don't take my word for it -- if a picture's worth a thousand words, then here's a 35,000 word essay for you to enjoy:

• Midwest Gaming Classic on Flickr

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A Brief Glimpse Of My Rapid Descent Into Insanity

This could very well be how I show up dressed for work come next Monday if I don't find an adequate way to protect myself from the devilish charms of the as yet unknown community of dorks some stalwart companions and I will be spending Saturday with. Wish us luck, and protection from repetitive motion syndrome. No doubt I'll be following up with a full report next week. Until then, please enjoy the following word from our sponsor.

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WHY GOD CREATED YOUTUBE™: Music For One Apartment And Six Drummers

Yet another "internet dusty," this little gem from 2001 was all the rage for a good hour and a half in my old web design office. "Uh UHH!!" Dartanjal said, after he downloaded the Quicktime file of course. But now due to the magic of Internet 2.0 technology you can watch these kooky Europeans banging on toilets right here in your web browser like it was meant to be seen.

Truly, this is why God created YouTube.

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THE TOP 75 CELEBRITIES WHOSE EXISTENCE SO OFFENDS ME THAT JUST LOOKING AT A PICTURE OF THEM MAKES ME WANT TO COMMIT RANDOM ACTS OF VIOLENCE™

#68: Ira Glass

Yeah, I know there's something wrong with me. As a college-educated, white, sorta-middle-class 30-something most people would consider "quirky", I am the demographic of This American Life. So why is it that listening (or watching) this beloved slice of heartstring-tugging Americana make me want to squeeze a goldfish until its head pops open like an overripe grape? It's because of Ira Frickin' Glass, that's why! Seriously, if anyone out there ever needs to torture me to get secret information, just lock me in a room with a tape loop of Ira Glass introducing himself from the beginning of one of his shows and I'll be singing like a bird before he says "I'm" the second time. Nails on a chalkboard, thy name is Ira Glass! I would gladly pull my own eardrums out of my head with a tweezers rather than have to listen to him ever again!! Jesus, just thinking about him is making me want to run outside and beat up bunny rabbits with a splintery two-by-four with a nail sticking out of it!!!

Is that so wrong? Well, is it?

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ENTERTAINMENT DROPPINGS: "Hell's Kitchen" Will See You In HELL!

So I caught bits and pieces of the season premiere of Hell's Kitchen (Psychictoad's favorite reality show of 2006) last night and all I can say is it looks like another winner. As with all FOX reality shows, it concentrates on finding the biggest damned freaks possible to pad out the cast, and we've got some real winners this time. My three favorites so far:

Jen, the pastry chef from Hazelton, PA, is just on there because -- and I'm sorry to say this -- she appears somewhat developmentally disabled.

Eddie, the 28 year-old short order cook from Atlanta, is just on there because A) he's a SHORT short-order cook! Get It? B) he's got a little bit of the whole androgynous thing going on, which plays well with the FOX demographic of prudish Amerrikunfolk who can't stop obsessing about any sexuality that differs from the one their pastor tells them is correct C) he's a SHORT short-order cook!! Hot damn, that's HIGH-LARIOUS!! D) he's gonna drop something sharp that's too big for him to carry and E) he's SHORT!!! SHORT PEOPLE ARE FUNNY TO WATCH!!!

Aaron, the retirement home chef from Palos Verdes, CA is on there for a whole lotta reasons...for one, he's a retirement home chef, so everybody thinks he can only cook oatmeal or whatever. Also, he's big and fat. Oh, and he's asian. Dude, I totally forgot, he dressed like a cowboy for his first day there, so Chef Ramsay got to make a racial joke about not seeing an asian cowboy every day. OH YEAH, and he CRIED LIKE A BABY on the night of the restaurant's opening, which I'm sure will lead to any number of Brokeback jokes in today's online reviews. Not that I'm contributing one myself, I'm just pointing out that it will probably happen, because I'm above all that. Really.

I actually got fed up with counting how many times the word "fuck" can be bleeped so I stopped watching before anybody got eliminated. If any of these three got the chop I'm sorry I missed it, but there's always the 10 minute recap at the start of next week's episode to look forward to.

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ENTERTAINMENT DROPPINGS: "The Next Best Thing" Sucks An Hour Of My Life Away

It's not every day I get a bona fide request for something, so when Shady asked for a review of The Next Best Thing, ABC's new celebrity impersonator reality show, I was pretty much morally obligated to comply. Not that it took much arm twisting: ever since my first trip to Las Vega$ at the onset of the 90s -- when I went to a seedy club to watch an Elvis impersonator (who juggled a lyrics sheet during his attempts at karate moves) and a Roy Orbison impersonator (who was blond, svelte, and unsunglassed) -- I've had something of a latent obsession with the particular brand of pathetique involved in the celebrity impersonator world.

So let's start with the judges, who I don't think anyone has ever heard of. You know a reality show's gonna be good when the celebrity judges are D-listers. And of course the guy in the middle is there because he himself is a veritable Rich Little -- so we can look forward to an entire season of at least one of the judges snidely out-doing the contestants at the one thing they think they know how to do: be pathetic.

But now what you've all been waiting for: the gallery of the worst contestants from the first episode. First up, everyone's favorite caucasian Texan media therapist, "Dr. Phil." His eyebrows and mustache were painted on, he needed a fat suit, and he sounded more like a John Wayne impersonator. And he did standup instead of a Dr. Phil impression. Hot dog, we have a wiener!

"James Bond" didn't look like James Bond, he looked (and sounded) like a bald, bearded Stan Lee. He was AWESOME!

The second Johnny Depp impersonator kinda looked like him (if Johnny Depp had a goiter problem). Not only did he not sound a thing like him, he couldn't even come close to acting like him. Stomach-clutchingly poor.

I think "Frank Sinatra" was just some guy they pulled in off the street and asked if he wouldn't mind making a fool of himself on a reality show. He couldn't sing, and he didn't even bother to wear a tux. He was the chairman of no one's board. Regrets?...I've had a few...not the least of which was watching this.

There were three, count 'em, THREE Michael Jackson impersonators, which is pathetic enough since there's very little left of the original to even impersonate. And altho none of them looked like him, they at least attempted to dance like him -- which is more than can be said for the woman (at least, I think it was a woman) who impersonated Janet Jackson earlier in the show. But when I came to the realization that one of the MJs might actually have been Project Runway season one's Austin Scarlett, I got kinda excited. It's almost like how they brought that one guy back for season 2 of Project Runway, except EVEN MORE PATHETIC.

"Ann-Margret": WHY??? What possible need can there be for an Ann-Margret impersonator? Especially one that looks like Terri Garr?!?

One of the only legitimately funny moments of this episode came when one of the judges told "David Letterman" that he looked exactly like David Letterman, Albert Brooks and Drew Carey had a baby. That's pretty much spot on, except he forgot to say he looked exactly like David Letterman, Albert Brooks and Drew Carey had an untalented baby.

And finally, we come to the pinnacle...the top of the list...the alpha and the omega...WHITE BILL COSBY. He looked nothing like him. He sounded like someone on acid who'd been punched in the mouth and swallowed some marbles for good measure. He made TWO references to Jell-O®.

There is NO topping that.

And...there's an hour of my life I will NEVER get back.

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