GRAMMYS® LIVEBLOGGING: I Give Myself A Good 47 Minutes Before I Start Thinking About Getting Up And Cleaning The Apartment

JohnEats Note: Yes, I'm liveblogging the Grammys® tonight...so those of you who for some reason are so bored you've decided to stop by and look at this page, MAN are you in for a treat! Keep reloading the page every once in awhile to get all my latest pearls of wisdom on tonight's big event. And if you notice I haven't written anything in awhile, I've probably nodded off, so you might want to give me a wakeup call.

6:55pm: They haven't started yet. Man, I wish I had cable, cuz the reception on our local CBS affiliate S-U-K SUCKS.

7:02pm: It's the moment I waited over twenty four years not to see: The Police are back together, featuring a be-jowled Andy Summers and a bespectacled Stewart Copeland backing up a -- Jesus H. Christ, Sting, PUT ON A F---ING SHIRT.

7:05pm: Jamie Foxx, failing to get the audience interested. Nice jacket, by the way.

7:08pm: Tony Bennett's son is his manager? Oh, nice shoutout to Target, Tony. Oh, and you got the "Stevie Wonderful" joke in there twice -- way to be over seventy years old, gramps. Yes, bring on the orchestra.

7:11pm: "The Dixie Chicks are using some Herbal Essence™!" (--Anonymous A) I think Natalie Maines has had a makeover so she can spend time in the red states without a posse of bodyguards.

7:14pm: I've already had enough of the Chevy commercial.

7:17pm: The appearance of Mandy Patinkin in a commercial has made me start singing Barry Manilow's Mandy. HOLY CRAP, it's Prince, introducing Beyonce! And he's showing CHEST HAIR! Beyonce's certainly selling it -- she's really Jennifer Hudson-ing it up. Ah, the Black-Eyed Peas...I just can't get enough of that functional illiterate Fergie (did you bother to show up to rehearsal, Fergie?). And the winner is...Mary J. Blige! Fellow nominee Prince managed to use her shoulder to prop himself up, that was a nice way to, um, give her some props, Prince.

Um, Mary J....time to get off. Mary J? Mary J??

7:28pm: Looks like a time machine brought Destiny's Child back from 2001 and they're all waiting to sing with Justin Timberlake. Hmmm, so you can still vote...are they paying Simon Cowell royalties for this?

7:31pm: I think it's time for some ice cream.

7:36pm: So at 10:37pm when I'm just about ready to plunge knitting needles into my eyes because the Grammys® haven't ended yet, I can thank the producers for including dipshit things like Justin Timberlake's commentary on how his song came out of him as smoothly as diarrhea.

Um...why is JT's guitar player grinding his butt on JT's back?

Ok, The Police get one song and JT gets to dick around with a handheld camera during a second song? And we're gonna have to sit thru the whole Timberlake Idol thing later, too. Are you there God? It's me, JohnEats. I'd like the next three and a half hours of my life back, please.

7:41pm: Nice faux-hawk, Pink. How was the complimetary cocaine in the green room?

Looks like it's a great night to be Mary J. Blige. She's like the 2005 Norah Jones, or the 1986 Phil Collins.

7:45pm: Hot damn, Lil Jon in a Heinecken ad!

7:48pm: Stevie Wonder is overjoyed to introduce us to the magical trifecta of Starbucks-friendly artists: Corinne Bailey Rae, John Legend and John Mayer. I'll have a grande caramel macchiato, please.

7:57pm: It's the skank brigade presenting the best pop vocal album. Oh, and John Mayer beat JT. I'm excited, really. Holy poop, Michael McDonald is John Mayer's manager?? Yah Mo Be There!

8:05pm: Um, excuse me, but I think I want to speak Spanish. Or just read some Shakira quotes.

8:11pm: Holy crap, Dan Wilson from Trip Shakespeare has really cleaned himself up! By the way, I think the orchestra might consist of nothing but blue staters, because the Dixie Chicks totally went overtime but not a single note was played.

Sonuvabitch, it's the Chevy ad again.

8:20pm: zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz...oh, sorry, just fell asleep during the Grateful Dead thing. Has Gnarls Barkley's 15 minutes run out yet? They are SO gonna be playing state fairs in fifteen years, opening AND closing their sets with Crazy.

8:23pm: Hmmm, looks like my Bowie mirror could use some dusting...


8:24pm: Common got in a nice pre-scripted dig on Kanye. ;-) And the winner is...a short-haired Ludacris, who I think just thanked one of the men responsible for Bartles & James wine coolers. I think he also just wished his father an early death...um, awkward.

8:33pm: Terrence Howard introduces Mary J. Blige by letting us all know how hard it is out there for a pimp. MJB's looking a bit 2001 Glitter-era Mariah in that off-the-shoulder number. But even though she's been talking like she's been in therapy all night, she's definitely belting it out.

8:42pm: Another extra-long, orchestra-free acceptance speech by the Dixie Chicks!

8:48pm: Ah, the grotesque muppet-mouthed Reba's here to Tex it up for us. RIP, The WB.

8:52pm: F---ING FRAT BOY COUNTRY-ROCKERS Rascal Flatts covering Hotel California. I have found my own personal level of Hell.

Somuvabitch, lead singer "Gary LeVox" (there's an original musical pseudonym for ya) looks like he's thinking about his next date rape victim. And I think he just belched onstage. I might vomit now. I don't know.

It just doesn't stop! Now they're singing Life In The Fast Lane! Gary just looked at Carrie Underwood's ass. Stick a fork in me, I'm done.

9:00pm: Thank God, Ornette Coleman's onstage now...my breathing is shallow but slowly returning. Why don't they let him play?!? Oh, because he has to present a high-fiving Carrie Underwood with a Best New Artist award. I'm sorry but at least Corinne Bailey Rae can write her own music...did Carrie Underwood and her American Idol makeover really deserve this?

9:07pm: Samuel L. Jackson and Christina Ricci are onstage pimping their new movie while talking about R&B and hip hop.

Oh dear, looks like Smokey Robinson's had some botox and a whole lotta surgery lately. I wouldn't be singing "Take a good look at my face" if I were him.

LIONEL. RICHIE. HELLO. Damn, he's aged well, he's even lost his mullet! But where's the blind woman doing the sculpture of him?

9:14pm: Chris Brown wins the award for wackiest staging. Wait a minute--was that Kriss Kross? Yikes, that there was a Michael Jackson Pepsi commercial ending!

Waitaminnit, was Xtina supposed to be part of the R&B set? Did I miss something?

9:21pm: Hmmm, John Legend is pimping for Target now.

9:26pm: zzzzzzzzzzzzz...oh, sorry, the president of the Academy is on, and I think he just told everybody that when he was a kid he wanted to swivel his hips for a living. Um, the Grammy® Camp stuff is nice but stick that crap on your website and not in the broadcast so we can all go to bed, thanks.

9:28pm: John Mayer looks unbelievably BORED.

9:33pm: Okay, I was all ready to loudly declare myself in a fit of righteous anger because they didn't do enough of a tribute to James Brown, but as soon as I saw that glittering cape I got choked up.

Even if it did kinda remind me of an Emo Phillips joke about Karen Carpenter.

9:38pm: I hate to admit it, but David Spade actually made me chuckle with his Bowie/Iman reference.

9:40pm: Mary J. Blige just got back from the Grammy® hair salon. We have to go from this to James Fricking Blunt? I think I just got the bends.

9:50pm: Um...Prince bought a Superbowl thank you commercial. Nothin' but class from that guy.

9:52pm: Speaking of classy, Jennifer Hudson's presenting the winner of the Justin Timberlake thing. And the winner is...Robin Troup. This is disturbing, car-wreck television at its finest. I'm actually really nervous that she's gonna screw up really badly. She's doing pretty well so far, altho JT seemed annoyed that she didn't do his little dance perfectly.

9:58pm: Was that a light show or did I just have an aneurysm?

If I shot Quentin Tarantino point blank in the chest with a shotgun, would anybody really mind?

10:01pm: Yet another extra-long Dixie Chicks speech. FINALLY, they get the orchestra to cut them off! GET. OFF. THE. STAGE. PLEASE.

10:09pm: I beg to differ with Chris Rock. There might be another band or a thousand better in the world than the Red Hot Chili Peppers. I really wouldn't mind if Anthony Kiedis got between Quentin Tarantino and my shotgun.

10:13pm: My prayers have been answered! The world's largest confetti is raining down millions of paper cuts on the Red Hot Chili Peppers!

I hope Al Gore makes a comment on how wasteful all the confetti is. Queen Latifah's having some confetti-related wardrobe malfunctions.

10:17pm: Even the cat hates the damn Chevy commercials.


10:24pm: Scarlett Johansson is certainly looking (and sounding) a bit worse for the wear tonight. And Don Henley's got himself a nice looking hair helmet. Did I mention I've seen and heard enough of the Dixie Chicks tonight to last me a friggin' lifetime?

Well, that's it. If you're still reading this, please stop and do something useful with your life.