ARTFARTS™: Garfield Minus Garfield

On the suggestion of Legolas, I've spent some time perusing Garfield Minus Garfield, an existential look at one of the world's most popular (and one of my top five least favorite) comic strips. By stripping Garfield the character out of Garfield the comic strip, we bear witness to an examination of the human condition, a soul alone, and it leads us, the viewers, to ponder why Jon Arbuckle chooses to maintain his existence - is it free will? Anima versus animus? Or some other bullshit like that?

• Garfield Minus Garfield

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ADVENTURES IN THE DESIGN WORLD™: Sleeveface

Last night, Anonymous A and I took a few photos for Sleeveface and posted them to the Facebook group. This morning I wake up to find out we've been asked to contribute the above photos to the upcoming Sleeveface coffeetable book! I knew there was a reason I spent 50 cents apiece for those records. Oh what feeling, as Lionel might say.

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WHY GOD CREATED YOUTUBE™: Don't Copy That Floppy

Courtesy of Anonymous A comes this vintage slice of ineptitude, a "rap" "music video" written by a lawyer to try to get kids to stop copying software. The use of stretched Arial, a Corinthian column as a tv stand, and Max Headroom-era video effects place this squarely in 1992's lap, and if you can stomach the first 3 minutes and 14 seconds you'll get to see a handful of programmers (and the lawyer who wrote the "rap") talk about how video games will go bye-bye forever if you keep copying them. I know, it's difficult to get through even the first minute of this without wanting to tear your own eyes out, but it's worth it, trust me.

Truly, this is why God created YouTube.

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JOHNEATS VIDEO FUNHOUSE™: "The Public Fingernail Clipper"

What better way to spend the commercial breaks between the Oscars broadcast than with a little filmmaking of my own? So here you go: a video of some jagoff I saw on the train today clipping his fingernails in public. I hope you enjoy watching this online as much as I enjoyed experiencing it in person.

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iPLOD™: Now You Can Listen To Daughtry While You Tase Me, Bro

For the first installment of iPLOD™, the new JohnEats department dedicated to gadgets and electronics, we are proud to present another find from the one and only Dean in Milwaukee who points us toward the recently unveiled Taser MPH - the world's first combination Taser gun and MP3 player. I sure as hell can't wait to get mine. I mean really, who wouldn't want to be able to walk around with their music cranked so loud that they can't even hear the screams of the people they tase? This is absolutely brilliant, and I can already picture the Wal-Mart commercials we'll be watching come this holiday season.

Check it out, dude, there's a video and everything! Phukinay!!

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THE TOP 75 CELEBRITIES WHOSE EXISTENCE SO OFFENDS ME THAT JUST LOOKING AT A PICTURE OF THEM MAKES ME WANT TO COMMIT RANDOM ACTS OF VIOLENCE™

#33: The Scuzzy-Ass Hippy Freak Lead Singer of Counting Crows

Okay, I know that to call this guy "a celebrity" is probably way too generous since Counting Crows pretty much passed their sell-by date over a decade ago, but yesterday I saw a banner ad on a website promoting some insane "Win a backstage pass to see Counting Crows!" contest and my gag reflex kicked in. Pretty much since 1991, every time I've so much as seen a photo of the scuzzy-ass hippy freak lead singer of Counting Crows (or so much as heard one full second of "Mr. Jones") I've felt like slowly pushing ten to fifteen thumbtacks (however many it takes) into my own thigh until I black out. Is that so wrong?

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PICTURES OF PEOPLE TAKING PICTURES™

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ENTERTAINMENT DROPPINGS: Blast From The Past Hollywood Email Flamewar

Now during the breathing space between the Hollywood writers strike being officially over and those durn pesky actors possibly wanting their own piece of the pie too, it gives us an opportunity to revisit a classic: the email bitchfest (courtesy of Pelzmantel) between Mark Brazill, creator of such comedy classics as That '70s Show and That '80s Show duking it out with newly-annointed golden boy Judd Apatow over a sketch that appeared on the mostly unwatched but mostly much-lauded (with pretty good reason) Ben Stiller Show. It's got everything you could want from an email war between professional writers: insults, bad grammar, even a "9/11-changed-everything" reference!

• "Don't Have A Cow, Man" [Harper's]

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ADVENTURES IN THE DESIGN WORLD™: By The Time You Read This, An Icicle Has Already Pierced Your Skull

A little unnecessarily verbose, wouldn't you say? This reads more like a limitation of liability clause in a contract than a sign warning of immediate danger. Maybe it has something to do with the font choice. Or maybe it has something to do with the wishy-washy insertion of the word "possible" (especially with the broken ice shards lying on the ground around the sign in this photo).

Whatever it is, it kind of fails miserably.

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ENTERTAINMENT DROPPINGS: The Grammys Party Like It's 1985

For all the hype around Amy Winehouse's attempts to get out of rehab and get over to LA, the real star of last night's Grammy Awards had to be the '80s. First off, we got Prince handing out an award and cracking wise about the absurd Alicia Keys/Frank Sinatra Duet From Beyond The Grave. Then Cyndi Lauper came out to remind everybody that she actually won a Grammy once. And let's not forget Kanye and Daft Punk with their amazing Tron-referencing costumes and set design, not to mention more vocoder effects than Lipps, Inc. could shake a stick at. Oh, and Tina Turner recontextualized her career by making it two-thirds '80s hits to one-third Proud Mary (and was that silver suit a Thunderdome reference?).

But of course the real news from last night was The Time reunion. From Jimmy Jam's key-tar to Jerome's timbales-and-mirror combo, The Time bookended Rihanna with two volumes of Tha Funk. And yeah, Rihanna's huge with the kiddies and everything, but Morris Day still got in the last word when he turned to her and tapped his watch. What Time Is It indeed.

Beautiful.

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ADVENTURES IN THE DESIGN WORLD™: Battle Of The Seated Person With Headline Type Layouts

So which of the above images do you find more disturbing? Is it the top image (courtesy Anonymous A), with its farmer-tanned, synthetic fiber-uniformed mobile phone user? Or is it the bottom image (courtesy Dartanjal), with its pants-suited, unfortunately be-socked protagonist and Optima all-caps bold drop shadowed headline text with bonus sexually suggestive brush script sub-head?

All I know is, I just love the reflection of the cell phone guy's ass.

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WHY GOD CREATED YOUTUBE™: Smoke On The Water (Japanese Classical Mix)

Ok, so The Cheese Kurd actually sent me this in a different, YouTube-competing format, but I went out of my way to re-find this on YouTube for all you people. So you better thank me. Anyway, the opening of this (before the vocals start) is one of the most beautiful, sublime, and ridiculous things I've heard in a long time. Ain't nobody does Deep Purple like a Japanese orchestra.

Truly, this is why God created YouTube.


Oh, and for those of you keeping track at home, this here has been my 500th blog post. Or whatever the hell you call these things.

So, congratulations to me. Or, as the guy at Enterprise Rental Car in downtown Milwaukee once said to his coworker who told him that then-vice president Al Gore's motorcade had just driven down the street outside:

"Oh, whoopee-doopee."

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WHY GOD CREATED YOUTUBE™: Mister Rogers Breakdances

Does much more need to be said than the above title? (Tip from Anonymous A)

Truly, this is why God created YouTube.

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