OVERHEARD ONE-ACT THEATRE™: "Coffee Talk"

Another post, another new recurring feature (and a temporary respite from VEGA$-themed posts)...John Eats presents Overheard One-Act Theatre™, wherein I transcribe, in the form of a one-act play, real conversations exactly as they happened in my presence.

As mentioned previously, I work at a research library for a major midwestern university, and today's premier one-act play took place in the library's student lounge while it was only occupied by myself and our two cast members. Enjoy.

Coffee Talk
a one-act play transcribed by John Eats

(INTERIOR: A student lounge at a major midwestern university's research library. Two old men sit in the otherwise empty room. One is a man with a long white beard who vaguely resembles R. Crumb's MR. NATURAL; he is married to a university staff member, sits in the same chair in the student lounge all day every day and has no job. The other man, a JACK KLUGMAN SOUND-ALIKE (after Mr. Klugman's bout with throat cancer, so his voice is raspy, wheezing, and strained), wears a red baseball hat and a white fleece pullover. We join their conversation already in progress.)

JACK KLUGMAN SOUND-ALIKE: You must really like coffee.

MR. NATURAL: Oh yeah. I like Ethiopian.

JKSA: How much do you drink in a day?

MN: Maybe two or three of these guys (indicating large travel mug).

JKSA: That's a lot of coffee.

MN: Mm-hmm.

JKSA: How often do you urinate?

MN: Twice a day.

JKSA: That's not bad.

MN: No.

JKSA: You must not have an enlarged prostate.

MN: Nope. Everything's fine down there.

JKSA: That's good. How old are you?

MN: 55.

JKSA: Oh, you're young!

MN: Yup. How old are you?

JKSA: 62.

MN: You sure as hell don't look that old.

JKSA: Well, my prostate does.

(curtain)