WHY GOD CREATED YOUTUBEDOUBLER.COM™

So this morning I get an email from Dartanjal titled "Lieutenant Worf vs. Steve Reich" that included nothing more than the URL to YouTubeDoubler. Upon visiting, I was immediately transfixed by the scenario, pictured above, of Worf saying "Time becomes a loop" over and over again with himself until he sounds like an old Neutrogena T-Gel® commercial performing Steve Reich's "It's Gonna Rain". Pure genius. There are so many others to choose from as well, like:

• David Hasselhof vs. Elmo

• Little Superstar vs. a Little Superstar clone

• An AMAZING version "Bohemian Rhapsody"

• Let's Paint TV vs. Let's Paint TV

Plus, and this is the beauty of YouTubeDoubler, you can use it to make your own mixes.

And truly, that is why God created YouTubeDoubler.

I done think I just died and went to heaven.

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ADVENTURES IN THE DESIGN WORLD™: Convenient Parking Garage Sign

The desktop publishing revolution of the late '80s - early '90s has been responsible for a great deal of advancement in the way people use text and images to communicate with each other.

This, however, is not a prime example.

Once we get beyond the semi-humorous bad grammar and actually think about the sign itself, it becomes even more absurd. This is an 8.5" x 11" sign inside a parking garage. It's posted on a door that leads to a staircase. Which means you've already left your car when you finally see it.

Priceless.

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THE TOP 75 CELEBRITIES WHOSE EXISTENCE SO OFFENDS ME THAT JUST LOOKING AT A PICTURE OF THEM MAKES ME WANT TO COMMIT RANDOM ACTS OF VIOLENCE™

#47: John Mayer

While those supple lips (which always seem to have a bit of spittle left on them), pouty eyeballs and mop of flowing man-mane might make some people swoon, just looking at a picture of John Mayer makes me want to walk around my neighborhood with a portable generator and an electric nail gun and see just how much damage I can do to people's tires. And as if just looking at a picture of him wasn't enough to get me into full-on shooting-a-B.B. gun-at-somebody's-brand-new-chandelier mode, he also has to write one of the most annoying celebrity blogs I've ever seen. And before anybody starts to get any bright ideas that he has this effect on me because I'm jealous that he's "cute" or something, take a look at what dude looks like when there's no ring light or Photoshop around. Ickers!

Surely I can not be the only one who feels this way.

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We've Won A Date With Jim Belushi!!!

Well, by "won" I mean "bought tickets to", and by "date" I mean "an evening at the Chicago History Museum." That's right, Psychictoad and I will be in the presence of The Belush on November 7th, when he is presented as a "Chicago Treasure" by none other than Dean Richards.

I can't tell you how much I'm looking forward to the absurdity of this event. The madness started with the phone call I made to the museum in order to purchase tickets:

EMPLOYEE: Chicago History Museum, how can I help you?

JOHN EATS: Hi, I'm calling about the "Chicago Treasures" event on November 7th...

EMPLOYEE: Do you mean the one with Mr. Belushi?

JOHN EATS: Yes, the one with, um, MISTER Belushi.

What'll happen? Maybe we'll be joining him afterwards to suck down some Fat Tires and buffalo wings at a Chi Chi's. Who knows? Whatever happens, it'll be...according to Jim:

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THE TOP 75 CELEBRITIES WHOSE EXISTENCE SO OFFENDS ME THAT JUST LOOKING AT A PICTURE OF THEM MAKES ME WANT TO COMMIT RANDOM ACTS OF VIOLENCE™

#48: Maggie Gyllenhaal

I'm prepared for the worst with this one. I know she's an indie darling. And dagnabit, people like her. But I'm sorry. I may be the only person in the world who looks at a picture of Maggie Gyllenhaal and thinks "Boy, I wouldn't mind systematically dropping at least fifty cement bricks off the side of a busy overpass and see how many cars I can hit," but damn it, I do. And I'm not afraid to admit it. Her 3-packs-a-day voice is enough to make what's left of the hair on the back of my neck stand straight up. Five minutes into any movie I've ever seen her in and I'm ready to start force-feeding Brach's candies to diabetes patients.

I'm sorry, but it's true.

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YOUSATUBE™: Who's On Force?

Beginning today, a new feature here on JohnEats: YousaTube™, wherein we document the wild and wacky world of YouTube videos starring everyone's favorite George Lucas racist stereotype Jar Jar Binks. Our first installment: "Who's On Force?", featuring Jar Jar and Yoda re-enacting Abbot and Costello's classic comedy routine "Who's On First." Hokeyday!

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THE TOP 75 CELEBRITIES WHOSE EXISTENCE SO OFFENDS ME THAT JUST LOOKING AT A PICTURE OF THEM MAKES ME WANT TO COMMIT RANDOM ACTS OF VIOLENCE™

#49: Anyone Who's Ever Hosted The View For More Than A Year


I used to think it was kinda funny to keep up with the wacky shenanigans of the various denizens of morning show screechfest The View. Now I don't anymore. Now I just want to throw bricks at squirrels whenever I hear that Barbara Walters has touched another black person's hair, I want to slam the spine of a hardcover book against a small child's ankles whenever I hear that Elizabeth Hasselbeck has gotten into a bustup with Barry Manilow, and I want to throw Jarts™ into a darkened movie theater whenever I hear that Joy Behar doesn't know for sure if the earth is round or flat.

Is that so wrong?

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ENTERTAINMENT DROPPINGS: Is This The Queen/Bobby Brown Duet We've All Been Waiting For, Or Isn't It?

Did Bobby Brown have a heart attack or not??
• Bobby Brown Denies Having Heart Attack [Yahoo News]

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WHY GOD CREATED YOUTUBE™: Groundwater Water Beds Commercial, Circa 1984

Yes, this is a Milwaukee-centric commercial. But even if the announcer's voice and ridiculous logo (and catch phrase!) of the store doesn't shoot a spike of white-hot nostalgia into your veins because you didn't grow up in the Great Place On A Great Lake, then just listen to the backing track on this sucker...man, would I love to own an album of 80s stock commercial synth tracks.

Truly, this is why God created youTube.

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TODAY'S GOVERNMENT-MANDATED BRITNEY-SPEARS-LOSES-CUSTODY-OF-HER-KIDS CONTENT

You know you're a lost cause when someone actually thinks your kids would be better off being raised by Kevin Federline.

• Spears Loses Custody of Children [BBC News]

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WHY GOD CREATED YOUTUBE™: Darth Vader in "Coming To America"

Star Wars + James Earl Jones' dialogue from the Eddie Murphy/Arsenio Hall smash hit Coming To America = Instant Hilarity (peeped by Anonymous A).

Truly, this is why God created YouTube.

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THE TOP 75 CELEBRITIES WHOSE EXISTENCE SO OFFENDS ME THAT JUST LOOKING AT A PICTURE OF THEM MAKES ME WANT TO COMMIT RANDOM ACTS OF VIOLENCE™

#50: Rob Schneider

You know what? I'm not even gonna bother trying to write anything funny about this one. I just don't see how anyone could even need convincing that just looking at a picture of "funnyman" Rob Schneider might make me want to do something violent, because I have a feeling this has to be a near-universal reaction. Yet somehow he's still allowed to make movies. Jesus H.

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