THE TOP 75 CELEBRITIES WHOSE EXISTENCE SO OFFENDS ME THAT JUST LOOKING AT A PICTURE OF THEM MAKES ME WANT TO COMMIT RANDOM ACTS OF VIOLENCE™
#48: Maggie Gyllenhaal
I'm prepared for the worst with this one. I know she's an indie darling. And dagnabit, people like her. But I'm sorry. I may be the only person in the world who looks at a picture of Maggie Gyllenhaal and thinks "Boy, I wouldn't mind systematically dropping at least fifty cement bricks off the side of a busy overpass and see how many cars I can hit," but damn it, I do. And I'm not afraid to admit it. Her 3-packs-a-day voice is enough to make what's left of the hair on the back of my neck stand straight up. Five minutes into any movie I've ever seen her in and I'm ready to start force-feeding Brach's candies to diabetes patients.
I'm sorry, but it's true.
I'm prepared for the worst with this one. I know she's an indie darling. And dagnabit, people like her. But I'm sorry. I may be the only person in the world who looks at a picture of Maggie Gyllenhaal and thinks "Boy, I wouldn't mind systematically dropping at least fifty cement bricks off the side of a busy overpass and see how many cars I can hit," but damn it, I do. And I'm not afraid to admit it. Her 3-packs-a-day voice is enough to make what's left of the hair on the back of my neck stand straight up. Five minutes into any movie I've ever seen her in and I'm ready to start force-feeding Brach's candies to diabetes patients.I'm sorry, but it's true.
posted by John Eats at 6:06 AM
4 Comments:
You heartless bastard!
Oh, man, JE...up until now I was there with you throwing bricks at squirrels and swimming in lemon juice with paper cuts...but you are alone on this one. She's too damn cute.
Look what you made me say, JE. Now the curtain on my cynical persona has been pulled back and now I'm just a damn good-looking guy who's a sucker for a cute face.
Fair enough. I guess you're more of a Jake man. Didn't you just LOVE it when he grew that moustache? I'm so glad he's manly enough to grow one and it really made me buy the whole middle-aged homosexual thing. Before someone calls me out for it, I know he said in interviews Jack Twist isn't really a gay. I guess everyone's entitled to his or her opinion.
It's Gyllenhaal too. That second a just makes it worse, doesn't it?
Oh, don't worry, Jake's on the list...he's just a bit closer to the top.
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