ADVENTURES IN THE DESIGN WORLD™: "You Have A Concrete Floor - I Have Solution"

We've discussed vehicle graphics before, but the above example re-sets the bar at an all-new dizzying height. First off, I would hate to be the poor sucker photographer who's forced to eke out a living by attempting to make concrete floors look appealing to people traveling 35mph and above -- altho judging by the ensuing quality of the images, those look a lot like Small Business CEO Photos™ to me ("Why pay a professional photographer when I can take my own shitty-looking flash photos with my iPhone for free? Wait, what do you mean they're too low-resolution to make any bigger than eight inches wide? Don't think you can sidestep me with all that techobabble mumbo-jumbo, you can do anything with computers these days, you little asshole!"). Then of course comes the racing stripes surrounding a checkerboard pattern, which does a great job of evoking the NASCAR® aesthetic without the pain and suffering of copyright infringement -- but what the fuck does it have to do with concrete floors? Oh, that's right: if you have a concrete floor problem (and I know most of the people who drive these days often do), you want it solved FAST.

Then, as always, we come to the typography. Arial Extra Bold all caps, is it not? Why bother with one of those pansy-ass fonts that don't automatically come with Windows when you can use the real deal - because if anyone knows beautiful typography, it's Microsoft! And yes, a thickly bold san serif is just SO readable in all caps from a distance -- the letter forms don't all just blur together or anything, no sir-ee.

And finally, there's the copy.

YOU HAVE A CONCRETE FLOOR
I HAVE SOLUTION

Let's see...does this mean the owner of the vehicle has in his or her possession a vial of some super-secret chemical substance that can fix whatever problems are inherent within concrete floors? There must be something automatically wrong with concrete floors, as it's implied here that the mere ownership of one must generate the need for a professional's intervention. Or maybe this headline was written by an eastern European who has some trouble picking up on the English language's use of the indefinite article, and no one bothered to proof the copy before it went to press (or in this case, the gerber cutter at the FastSigns® down the street).

Either way, we've got comedy gold here, folks.

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THE TOP 75 CELEBRITIES WHOSE EXISTENCE SO OFFENDS ME THAT JUST LOOKING AT A PICTURE OF THEM MAKES ME WANT TO COMMIT RANDOM ACTS OF VIOLENCE™

#27: Anthony Kiedis


Three words:

Under.
The.
Bridge.

Jeeziseffinkriste I hate this song, especially the vocals. I had no beef with the Chili Peppers until 1992. Now I can't stand them, and it's all this song's fault. I can't even watch more than 10 seconds of any of the above videos without having to fight the urge to walk into a Taco Bell, grab every burrito I can find, throw them to the ground, and stomp on them so all the gunk inside of them sprays all over the shoes of everyone in there.

Just sayin'.

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THE TOP 75 CELEBRITIES WHOSE EXISTENCE SO OFFENDS ME THAT JUST LOOKING AT A PICTURE OF THEM MAKES ME WANT TO COMMIT RANDOM ACTS OF VIOLENCE™

#28: Rainn Wilson


Sometimes celebrity hatred hits me in the head like a thunderbolt the first time I set eyes on someone; other times it takes months or even years for those all-too-common feelings of slight loathing to simmer before they boil over into a seething rage. Sometimes I have no recollection of when I came to the conclusion that a certain celebrity so offends me that just looking at a picture of them makes me want to walk into a convenience store and turn on a self-serve soda fountain and leave it on until it runs all over the floor; other times, like this one, I can pinpoint the exact moment I realize I've had enough of someone. With Rainn Wilson, it was the first time I saw his HIGH-larious cameo in the insufferably-written Juno. Jesus, was that the last straw. I'd always been disturbed by his freakishly large forehead (which, if there were any justice in the world, would have landed him the role of The Leader in the Hulk movies) -- and that alone was powerful enough to put me off of the American version of The Office, but after that "homeskillet" line some switch got flicked in my head and that, as they say, was all she wrote.

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WHY GOD CREATED YOUTUBE™: Peanut Butter - The Atheist's Nightmare

Yeah, sure, I'd be willing to believe the words of someone who pronounces the word "experiments" as "ex-spear-a-mints".

Truly, this is why God created YouTube.

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THE WORLD IS NOT YOUR LIVING ROOM™: Now You Can Reward Annoying Behavior With A Personal Gift!

Inspired by the fantastic "SHHH" card, JohnEats.com is proud to present our latest passive-aggressive public service initiative: The World Is Not Your Living Room™, a new series of free downloadable notecards you can print and hand out to people who deserve them. We're kicking this campaign off with four designs...

1. Hey, Superstar!

For all those wonderful people who understand how important it is that you listen to their commentary while watching watching a movie in an actual movie theater, send a "Hey, Superstar!" card their way. I'm sure they'll think twice before loudly predicting upcoming plot twists, reading captions out loud, or asking "What did he say?" every time one of the characters with an accent speaks the next time they sit near you at the local cineplex.


2. Do I Know You?

Tired of being alone at a public transit platform and having someone walk up to you and stand too close to you when there's plenty of other places they could be standing? Or having someone sit next to you at a movie when there are only about five other people in the theater? Or how about the guy who sits down next to you on a bus and insists on touching you with his leg? Just hand him a "Do I Know You?" card and he'll undoubtedly realize he needs to step off.

3. Howdy, Neighbor!

Sick of all the people with an overwhelming sense of entitlement who act like the mere fact that you had the balls to even walk into their neighborhood Whole Foods means you're automatically in their way? The next time someone says "excuse me" like it's an expletive rather than an expression of common courtesy, slap a "Howdy, Neighbor!" card on top of the $19 box of organic Cheerios®-substitute in their shopping cart. That'll learn 'em.

4. Hey, Good Lookin'!

Don't you love sitting in a cafe and listening to the person at the next table cutting their fingernails while you're just trying to read The Onion, fer chrissakes? Yup, we don't either. That's why we created the "Hey, Good Lookin'!" card...let that special someone know that nail clippers belong in the bathroom like God meant them to be, not out in public where people are trying to, you know, think.

So go ahead! Download our The World Is Not Your Living Room™ cards and start using them today!

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