Thursday, April 12, 2007

FIERCEFILEā„¢: Wherein Whitney Decides To Quit Modelling And Try To Become The New Jennifer Hudson


This cycle of ANTM just keeps getting better, doesn't it? Last night brought us this cycle's "ACTING" episode which always guarantees a good time... whether it was last cycle's Caridee suicidal thoughts shocker or Tyra pretending to pass out from overwork. So when the models showed up at the theater (which Dionne of course had to say looked "a little bit like the Apollo Theater") and resident CW twin Tia Mowry walked out, I had high hopes for a good time.


Instead we immediately got one of the most gut-wrenchingly embarrassing moments of this cycle so far: mail-order bride Natasha trying to act like a witch. "Eeeeyyyyyyeee deeeezurf too bee Amerreeka's Next Tup Moe-DELL!!!" she screeched, not once, but TWICE. I actually had to clutch my stomach to try to stop the pangs of embarrassment, and I came as close to turning off the tv as I ever have during ANTM. Luckily the rest of the girls weren't anywhere near as hideous at their first acting challenge. But honestly, did Tia Mowry serve any purpose there other than to pimp her CW show The Game? I think she may have told Whitney it was good that she touched herself when trying to "act sexy," but that's about all the "expert adivce" she actually gave.

Then came the second acting challenge, hosted by some freakshow from Napolean Dynamite (who only Whitney seemed to recognize) acting in a series of sketches with the models, and we got the first hints that the bell was tolling for Whitney: the self-proclaimed actress who thought she was a shoe-in to finally win a challenge got shown up by none other than everyone's favorite bitch Renee, whose sudden change of heart after last week's Tyra-induced public humiliation session feels more than a bit like an act. And when she picked Dionne as her "friend" to share in the challenge winnings, we got to see the Dionne flashback about not knowing if Renee's sincere about wanting to apologize to everyone for the FOURTH TIME last night so you know that her change of heart can't last much longer.

We also got the obligatory visit from family members back home last night, and with both Renee and Dionne able to see their children again, Natasha went off the deep end, somehow bizarrely misinterpreting this event as a sign that the producers of the show believed that she didn't miss her own child enough to warrant a visit. Um, Natasha? THEY WON A CHALLENGE, YOU DOLT.


But at least this made for good drama once the photoshoot started, because Natasha just could NOT get her shit together before the camera turned on her, and she even got two hugs from Jay Manuel. The show is becoming more and more meta-referential as time goes on, and this week's photoshoot was a recycling of "infamous Top Model moments" wherein the models had to re-enact bizarre moments in ANTM history while posing with the original models who made them happen. First up was Cha Cha re-creating Bre's infamous granola bar incident which gave Jay yet another opportunity to call her a drag queen. Can we just vote her off already, please?


Brittany, who finally got her damn hair weave taken out, had to pose with last cycle's twins (nicely bookending twin Tia Mowry's earlier appearance). Luckily they didn't recreate their disturbing siamese twin photoshoot, but instead opted for some weird striped tube dresses which made them look kinda like three awkwardly bent candy canes.


But of course the highlight of the photoshoot had to be Dionne's limo liplock with Kim from Cycle 5. Not only did Dionne have to pretend to kiss another girl (and apparently she won't even kiss her own mother or boyfriend because she doesn't like her "personal space" being violated), but she had to do it immediately after calling Kim a dork. Bad move, Dionne. But like all things Dionne at this point in the cycle, she was shown to quickly overcome this shortfall, turn that frown upside-down, and rally for that coveted "most improved" title (which was bestowed upon her during judging last night and almost always leads to the final glory of becoming America's Next Top Model). Not only that, but it turns out she even kinda enjoyed getting a little touchy-feely with Kim. Hubba hubba.


But as always, it's the weekly loser we must focus on, and this week we finally got to watch the girl from Dartmouth go home. And of course Tyra took the opportunity to make sure she complemented her both on her brains and her looks during the goodbye hug, because of course she doesn't want it to look like she got voted off just because she's fat. You could just see in her eyes how she was holding back the urge to say "Holla atcha later, Miss Fatty Fatty Fat-Pants!" but luckily she kept it professional. During her exit interview, Whitney finally admitted that maybe modelling wasn't in her future after all. Whew. The college girl finally learned a lesson! And it only took the judges telling her "You're just not model material" like EVERY DAMN WEEK FOR THE PAST SIX WEEKS for it to finally sink in.

Now if only the judges would realize that Jael will never, ever get rid of her drug-induced speech impediment, we could get down to a real race.

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