FILMPHLEGM™: Don't Ever Go To A Goddamned 4-D Theater If You Know What's Good For You

Anyone out there in JohnEats land ever gone to a 4-D theater before? Ever gone to the one at the Shedd Aquarium like Anonymous A and I did last week? Well, if you haven't, don't bother unless you enjoy getting poked in the f*cking back with a plastic rod, slapped in the legs with a rubber hose, sprayed about the legs and face with tepid water, and blasted with air from power fans so loud they drown out the soundtrack of the movie. Who in the hell thought that this was a good idea? Nowhere in the marketing bullshit about this supposed "cinematic revolution" do they mention oh, by the way, there's a plastic rod in the backrest of your seat that will suddenly spring out and feel like somebody's sticking the business end of a pencil in your back. No, they describe this as a "special FX seat" which "will thrill you with bubbles, wind, strange and wonderful smells, tickles, amazing sounds and all kinds of surprises." Has no one with a heart condition experienced this, keeled over and sued the be-jesus out of whoever manufactures these things? I mean, yeah, it was kind of funny at first but after the third time I got poked in the back and splashed with water I was pretty goddam sick of it.

Not to mention the creepy, solitary tweed-sporting 50-something white guy who decided that he needed to sit right next to me even tho he was one of only five people other than Anonymous A and myself in the entire theater -- yet another piece of evidence that the irritating social misbehavior known as The Human Swarm is close to an outright epidemic now. Sonuvabitch.