Tuesday, January 01, 2008

THE TOP 75 CELEBRITIES WHOSE EXISTENCE SO OFFENDS ME THAT JUST LOOKING AT A PICTURE OF THEM MAKES ME WANT TO COMMIT RANDOM ACTS OF VIOLENCEā„¢

#40: Jason Schwartzman


Oh boy, here's another one. DAMN SAM as Colonel Henry Potter used to say on M*A*S*H. When I saw Rushmore I thought I would be a Jason Schwartzman fan for the rest of my life. Boy did that tide not take too long to turn. Now every time I look at a picture of him and his insufferable moptop I feel like sitting around alone in my apartment shirtless, with the lights off and the TV tuned to static, while holding my bare hand over a burning candle to see how long I can stand it. And oh man, I can give you a specific example of when I knew for sure I'd had enough: when I tried to watch the tour of the set he gave on the Marie Antoinette DVD and I turned it off after about six seconds and then had to suppress the urge to fling at least fifteen 2'x2' panes of glass off the side of a bridge over the interstate during rush hour. I mean...sheesh.

Happy new year!

1 Comments:

Anonymous "A" said...

What? Why would this anger you so much?

Oh, and hey, I bought some salve and gauze for that weird burn on your hand. How did you get that again?

8:05 PM  

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