Thursday, December 20, 2007

THE TOP 75 CELEBRITIES WHOSE EXISTENCE SO OFFENDS ME THAT JUST LOOKING AT A PICTURE OF THEM MAKES ME WANT TO COMMIT RANDOM ACTS OF VIOLENCEā„¢

#43: Jimmy Buffet


As an atheist and a vegetarian, can there be any one song in existence more offensive to my personal philosophy than Jimmy Buffet's "Cheeseburger in Paradise"?

I mean really. I heard this song earlier this week while eating a falafel (that's right, all you "patriotic" Buffet fans -- a FALAFEL, bitchez! With NO F@CKING CHEESE!) and I had to leave the restaurant* in order to suppress the almost overwhelming urge to start smearing tahini all over the furniture. Effing Jimmy Buffet! At a middle eastern restaurant!! I felt like gouging my own eardrums out just to take the pain away.

It's enough to make me want to trek up to Milwaukee just to slash the tires of every Lexus in the Summerfest parking lot when all the "wasted away again" white-ass 50-somethings make their annual pilgrimage to see Jimmy in the flesh at the Marcus Amphitheater.

Jesus Christ on a crutch this can't just be me.

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*Actually, I had just finished eating when the song started. But still, it's the principle of the thing. Dammit.

2 Comments:

Blogger Psychictoad said...

Actually I am more interested in hearing from the people that are actually AGAINST you on this one...I mean really. I'm as meaty and margarita-y as they come, but I sure-as-shit am not singing a song about either one. Let's just enjoy our burgers, margaritas and Continental-US shirts in silence, please.

So, JE, when you are done gouging your ears...feel free to gouge mine too. I'll thank you with sign language when the pain subsides.

1:05 PM  
Blogger The Queen said...

I'm completely offended by him and the idiots who ask if I like him just because I have the best tiki bar in CT (TM). Idiots!

5:55 PM  

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