Thursday, May 17, 2007

FIERCEFILE™: Do The Cha Cha

Well, I was able to sleep last night because the lesser of three evils won America's Next Top Model. Jaslene, better known as Cha Cha Diva, managed to overcome almost insurmountable odds: her own drag queen tendencies, Renee's backstabbing, and Natasha's secret blood pact with the judges. Once it came down to the final two there was no question Cha Cha was gonna be on top, but it took one final plot twist to get there.

Who'da thunk that Nee Nee wouldn't make the final two? Yes, it was so in the bag for her that it was just too good to be true, and sure enough she got the chop at the crucial moment. It all came down to what everyone has been saying all along, she looks TOO OLD...which of course has nothing to do with the fact that it sounds like she smokes ten packs a day. She'll be rockin the late-period Lucille Ball voice by the time she's 35.

Also, we got to witness the true nature of Nee Nee's views on parenting when, during her ad-libbed Covergirl commercial shoot, she revealed that deep down she hates her baby. "I had a baby nine months ago, and I thought that my life was over," she said, unfortunately unaccompanied by the record scratch sound effect. Way to go, Nee Nee, can't wait til your kid grows up enough to watch your ANTM stint only to get to that line and subsequently experience a self-image crisis that will lead to lifelong therapy bills.

That night, the models returned to the house and Natasha read off the final piece of Tyra Mail, which simply stated that tomorrow they would meet with the judges and only two of them would continue on in the hopes of becoming America's Next Top Model. I was crushed when that wasn't followed by Natasha's requisite "What you theenk thees Tyra Mail mean, guys?"

But of course it meant curtains for Nee Nee as the judges finally made the right decision for once and sent the husky-voiced house beeyatch back to Hawaii and her unwanted child. Natasha finally seemed to understand the gravity of a tense situation when she actually succeeded in looking shocked and surprised when TyTy announced that Renee was going home. Then Renee tried to make up for her revelation of her bitterness towards her child by pleading with Natasha to win it for "the mamas." Nice try.

Once things came down to the final runway walk, you knew Cha Cha had it sewn up. Natasha, as Renee described her, "walks like a pigeon-toed duck with a piece of poop hanging out of its butt," and Cha Cha's two strengths have been her fierce photos and walking ability since day one. So the only real surprise about the winner?

She was an angry baby.

Congratulations, Cha Cha. We look forward to you (as a Chicago native) spending many mornings to come yucking it up with the zany Kast of Kharacters on the WGN Morning News Zoo Crüe.

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