Thursday, April 05, 2007

FIERCEFILEā„¢: "Death Happens"

Ohmygod, this was like the BEST episode yet this cycle! Jael and Natasha got pushed into a swimming pool by 50 Cent...Twiggy dug up the model formerly known as Jeremy Piven's date to give the girls a lesson in memorable names...Jael and Renee engaged in a classic bitchfight which Jael clearly won (if the expression on Whitney's face was any indicator)...there was a Benny Ninja flashback...we were spared yet another reference to Whitney being college-educated...what else could we ask for? Oh, that's right: how about a mini-episode of Tyra shoehorned into the middle? Well, that's exactly what we got!!

Tyra visited the girls fresh from a photoshoot of her own and apologized for the "over the top makeup" she had on (ie, her eyelashes looked like GIANT FLESH-EATING SPIDERS), then immediately came to the bottom of the Renee vs. Everyone Else axis. Her solution? Make Renee listen to everyone bitch about her, then offer her the chance to make up a pop-psychology excuse as to why she's such a bitch. I think the expression on Dionne/Wholahay/Brown's face above gives a pretty good indication of how much everybody believed "NeNe". But the best moment of this sit-down talk had to be when Jael discussed dealing with her grief following the death-by-overdose of one of her best friends, to which Tyra responded with "I think it's an important lesson for you to realize that death happens." Holy crap! Tyra's turned into Aristotle with a booty!!

And let's take a second to comment on Funky Cold Medina himself, Tyra's manager, who took pride of place as this episode's Boss Battle. He deftly handed Jael and Nata's soaking wet butts back to them on a platter, saw right through ReNeNe's pseudo-sincere veneer, and declared Wholahay the winner after a record-scratch-take upon hearing her "Superstar Name".

Speaking of Wholahay Brown, I think we may have a new frontrunner on our hands. What with all the exposure she got in last night's episode, and her continuous improvement on her photoshoots, I think it's safe to officially announce her as Final Three material. They even put her Keds photoshoot up on the ANTM website, fercryinoutloud.

As long as I'm making Final Three predictions, I'm gonna go out on a limb and give Jael a shoutout as well. Her photoshoot this week was well loved by all, and she'll only have her insanely horrid diction to blame when she gets the boot.

I have to say Natasha certainly appears to have a shot at winning now as well...the judges have absolutely fallen in love with her (even if Jay Manuel thinks her "sexy" face looks more like she's sniffing dog poo), and for some reason they chose not to point out to her that all of her "emotions" had just about the same expression and hand gestures.

But as always, it comes down to the biggest loser, and this week it was Sarah/Moe. Sorry, Moe, but your "happy" looks like "crazy phony" and it's well past time you got a ticket home to the suburbs where you belong. Buh-bye.


Blogger Tamara said...

Dear Johneats,

This is Karina's cousin, Tamara. Dean turned me on to Fiercefiles a couple weeks ago and now I can't get past a Thursday morning at work without checking in to relive (more of) Jael's stupifying comments the morning after. ("I'm Blewish and you can't hang with that." "Your eyes were calling me over." Honestly, she deserved a good soaking last night. What a nitwit.)

So, thanks a whole bunch for fueling yet another addiction. I have this irresistable urge to confess to character flaws I'm not proud of. Of course, I've had to 'fess up to ANTM so people won't bother me on Wed. evenings. Now I'll have to tell people I replay it through johneats the morning after. Ah, well.

PS - I suspect Dean now secretly watches repeats of ANTM on Sundays, since he keeps reminding me to check out your Fiercefiles. He will never admit it. You know this.

1:00 PM  
Blogger John Eats said...

Tamara: ANTM addiction is NOT a character flaw. It is a shining jewel which must be taken out, polished, and put on the mantelpiece. Well, maybe it's not a shining jewel, but it definitely should be taken out and polished. All right, fine, you can polish it and then put it away, that would probably be good enough.

Actually, maybe you're right and it's a terrible, deadly disease which we all must be cured of.

I'm not going to accuse Dean of anything. He's like a whole foot taller than me AND he has expertise with power tools. The man is positively deadly.


Oh, damn, he's probably reading this.

9:57 AM  

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