Thursday, March 29, 2007

FIERCEFILE™: Like Victor/Victoria Without The Songs. Or James Garner. Or That Guy Who Played The Music Man.

What a wacky twist we got last night: after a grueling week of learning how to dress themselves, the models finally get to hang around some men -- but they turn out to be drag queens! Oh, bitter irony! And then the models had to dress like men! Stop it, you're killin' me!!

Actually, I thought the bigger plot twist was that they were sent somewhere to learn about how to dress properly and it turned out to be a Sears® warehouse. Would you like a treadmill and a washing machine with your couture today, ma'am? I didn't realize today's hottest designers were suddenly using pastels, polyesters and checks -- but then again, that's why I work in a library. And what happened to the crayon-scrawled "Felicia Mail" from last week? We were robbed!!


I'm sorry, but Renee sucked it up big time. Even with a painted-on adam's apple she wasn't a convincing man. At least her subtle mind games with the plus-sized models worked ("Do you really think there'll ever be a plus-sized model on the cover of Vogue?"). Way to go, Renee, you finally figured out how to beat somebody. I'll bet it took you all five weeks so far to come up with the brilliant strategy of telling the plus-sized models they're bigger than everyone else.


Cha-Cha did a bang-up job on her photo, but she's still just plain boring...altho luckily Tyra avoided giving her the "you're so boring" lecture again this week.


Fresh from her crushing defeat at the Sears® challenge, Dionne worked it and came up with a decent photo for a change. I'm really glad she ramped it up this week, since her commentaries are rapidly becoming the funniest of the bunch...


...but not quite as funny as the disturbing "Let me talk to my child, ok great can we be having the phone sex now?" call home that Natasha made last night. Next thing you know she'll be saying "What a country!" and getting cast in a bit part in the inevitable remake of Moscow On The Hudson.


And who'da thought Jael of all people -- the butchest, lowest-voiced of the bunch -- would have had so much trouble pretending to be a man? Obviously the producers weren't able to slip her enough Vitamin H this week, because she totally sucked it up. She almost had as much of a problem with this photoshoot as she has with her diction.


But of course, we must come to the loser and Diana was a big fat one this week (Ha! Ha! Get it? She's a plus-sized model and she's a "big fat loser"! Ha! Ha! I'm almost as funny as Renee the Psychobitch!). When Jay Manuel asks you why you want to be America's Next Top Model, y'all best have a better answer than "Just...cuz." 'Cause he reports that shit back to Tyra, honey. And she'll read it back to you during the judging and see if it makes you crack. Oh, and you probably should have asked them to give you a man's suit instead of one tailored for a woman, that might have helped. At least we got to find out that Whitney really does love her. She's serious. She loves her.

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