FIERCEFILE™: The Heartbreak Of Psoriasis No More

So can I call it or what? Last night we found out America's Next Top Model is CariDee, and it played out almost exactly as I had predicted. Not only that, they didn't even try to drag it out to a special two hour episode like last cycle. Either the writers strike thing really took its toll, or they just realized that no one wanted to watch Melrose cry for an hour and a half, because that's basically what all the filler would probably have been since she's a LOSER. Nyah, nyah, nyah Melrose, you big LOOOOOSER!!!

Man, Melrose was terrible in that first photoshoot/commercial. The comments during the judging made absolutely no sense to me, especially after they'd edited all the footage to make you think that she stunk it up. Every judge told her she was fabulous, even her biggest detractor Nigel. WTF?? And I was all like "Oh no you DIN'T" when they eliminated Eugena. Damn, was that predictable yet frustrating. It was typical Tyra: when it comes down to the wire, attack the black girl. It's the same crap they pulled with Danielle (or "Dani," as we found out she's been rechristened last night) with the whole "your accent is too ghetto" thing. Eugena easily bested Melrose in the commercial and the photoshoot, and they still dumped her for their little manufactured controversy over whether or not she wanted to be there. They kept telling her every episode that she didn't want to be there and since her personality isn't exactly bubbly -- and they knew it -- she didn't give them the fake enthusiasm they demanded. At least they couldn't eliminate her for the dead eyes thing, which I always thought was a bunch of crap in the first place.

We barely got any non-competition footage last night since it was only an hour long, which was kinda weird. I mean, the whole reason they eliminated Eugena was so that there could be a big-ass bitchfest between CariDee and Melrose at the end, and what did we get? "She stepped on the fucking dress." That's it. Oh, please. There must have been no end to the snippiness going on back at the Top Model house that was broadcast-worthy. Didn't Melrose do anything like spit in CariDee's breakfast cereal, or stay up all night crying because she was CRACKING UNDER PRESSURE? Although, can I say how pleased I was that we got no less than two crying Melrose scenes last night? Damn, she was practically wearing a crocodile mask...no one cared except you, Melrose, you LOSER. Nyah, nyah, nyah Melrose, you big LOOOOOSER!!!

Yeah, fine, she did better than CariDee in that stupid haunted bride challenge. Whatever. I was only slightly nervous when it came down to the judging. CariDee knew she blew it, and so did the audience, but as soon as they reminded everybody that the judging for the final winner isn't just based on the last challenge but all the other challenges so far I could hear the collective "Ooooooh, SNAP" emanating from the mouths of the American viewing public. When they ticked off who won each photoshoot you knew what was what and that Melrose was a BIG, FAT LOSER. LOSER!!! LOOOOOSER!!!

So there we have it, Cycle Seven is now complete and CariDee is our nation's next Top Model. I look forward to her appearances at custom van and auto shows throughout the midwest, next year's Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade, and a VH1 Celebreality™ series currently in development for fall of 2008.

But wait, what's this? We get two Top Model: British Invasion specials for the next two weeks? Yeah, bay-bay!! We get to watch highlights from the UK's version of ANTM, and you get to read my rantings about them! Aren't you lucky? I predict I stoop to no less than three bad teeth jokes in next week's recap! Until next week...