FIERCEFILE™: Highwire Haute Couture

For a cycle in which the show's writers went on strike, the subplots in the new America's Next Top Model are feeling awfully scripted. Case in point: the Monique/Melrose conflict, which came to its conclusion last night. This battle of wills included so many classic ANTM elements as to be downright suspicious. We had the monopolization of the telephone room; Monique's "dehydration" and emergency room visit (why does a model get dehydrated every cycle? Do they not provide water in the Top Model house?); Monique whipping out her Bible during her deepest, darkest moments of despair; and of course, the wiping of the underwear on the bedsheets.

Okay, I can honestly say I've not seen that before on ANTM, and it went a long way towards imbuing Monique with an air of clear and present danger. But it just felt so incredibly forced. Suddenly she gets this idea to wipe her drawers "all over" Melrose's bedsheets while Melrose is laying there, and Eugena just so happens to conveniently be there with Monique to hear her hatch this cunning plan. Then suddenly we see the plan come to life, but instead of actually having the cajones to wipe her knickers "all over" the bedsheets, Monique simply slapped them up against the bedspread a couple quick times and then high-tailed it, leaving a trail of "devastation" in her wake. Jaeda's overreaction was very telling -- that was so not a spur of the moment act. Whatever. It still made for a classic "Bitch be crazy!" moment.


That being said, this was a definite improvement over the previous episodes this cycle. The tasks were more interesting this week -- the bemasked cobblestone high-heeled walk was yet another ANTM staple, the chance to put the model's ankles in real peril while proving to the audience that modelling can be dangerous. The nighttime tightrope walk was a good concept, but there was so little real danger to it that it seemed a little bland.


A.J.'s fierceness during the cobblestone walk led to this week's celebrity cameo: poor man's Harrison Ford Dennis Quaid rocked a superfantastic comb-forward as he greeted the three lucky winners at his fashion show in Austin. Proving that Austin is one of the capitals of high fashion, the only other celebrity sighted at the show was couture funnyman/struggling seriousman Greg Kinnear...Brooke's little crybaby moment when she didn't get to go to her home town was a nice little moment of stereotypical immature characterization -- more of these, please!

And then came this week's photoshoot. In yet another scenario destined to make its way into the ANTM video game, the models had to walk a narrow runway which was floating on water, split into segments, and rocked back and forth. I kept my eyes peeled for Yoshi, D.K. and some gold coins but unfortunately it was not to be.


Brooke's hair was by far the biggest revelation here, as everyone else really fell into their natural places: Melrose was the standout, Eugena was vapid, the twins were solidly passable, Megg did weird things with her weird mouth, CariDee quietly shined (keep your eyes on her, people, she's got "most improved" written all over her) and Anchal showed up. Which is more than we can say for Monique, whose health scare kept her off the runaway and out of the photoshoot, thereby leading to her ultimate fate. Now that Cycle 7's resident wack-ass bitch has headed home, who will step up to the plate to take her place? My vote's for Melrose, who's just itching to pit herself against everyone else now that her arch enemy is gone.

This week's final three prediction: Melrose, CariDee, Anchal.