WHY GOD CREATED YOUTUBE™: Philip Michael Thomas

Obviously jealous of the smash-hit success (cough) of Don Johnson's Heartbeat, Philip Michael Thomas also embarked on an ill-fated singing career. The fruits of his labor are on display in Just The Way I Planned It, a song that so utterly fails to sound sexy that it could only be accompanied by a video that fails to look it. I mean, all the attempts are there: PMT stands on a catwalk while backlit by laser beams. PMT sings with his shirt off. A group of women wearing Vanity 6-inspired fashions lay their hands on PMT's bare chest. PMT gives his best interpretation of the Batdance. PMT sings himself into a breathless frenzy during the song's climax. There's even vaguely South Asian-inspired video effects. But even with all of these classic "sexy music video" elements, this video manages to be completely and utterly unsexy. Maybe you can help me figure out why.

Truly, this IS why God created YouTube.