Cunning Plot To Wash Man Right Out Of Hair Revealed, Foiled

Anti-landmine campaigner and alleged former prostitute Lady Heather Mills McCartney was at the center of a fracas involving police outside of estranged soon-to-be ex-husband Sir Paul McCartney's London mansion today.

Police were called to the scene when Lady Mills McCartney attempted to enter the property and, upon finding the locks had been changed, sent her security guard to climb over a wall and let her in. She later laughed off any wrongdoing, yet in that same report Sir Paul expressed distress over the following:

"[Sir Paul spokesperson] Mr Hall said the singer had frozen [the couple's] joint bank account and had complained about Lady Mills McCartney taking three bottles of cleaning fluid from his home in Sussex."[Emphasis added.]

Sir Paul, the world's most successful recording artist, was later overheard to say: "Bitch better recognize, ain't nobody steals a whole three bottles of cleaner from Macca and gets away with it. Not when that shit cost me some bank."