Friday, August 25, 2006

ASK JOHN EATS.™


It's Friday, so it's time for the debut of our brand new advice column, ASK JOHN EATS. As long as people keep writing me with questions, I'll keep answering one every week. Most likely I'll have the perfect answer to your question right off the top of my head since I'm so well-versed in the ways of the world; but rest assured if I can't come up with something decent myself, I work at a research library so I'll be able to find something good enough to plagiarize pretty easily.

I hope you all find my words of wisdom useful. I do this not for any sort of self-satisfaction, but because I just plain care about you, the folks at home reading this. You need help, and that's what I'm here for. That being said, on with our first letter!


Dear John Eats,

I have been a loyal reader since last week Tuesday. I really admire how much you eat every day. I myself would like to eat more, but can’t seem to find the time. Do you have any tips for a wanna-be eater like myself? Or should I just give up and eat vicariously through you? If so, could you please eat something a little higher in fiber from time to time?

Also, the leaves of my pumpkin plant keep getting mildew, though I have tried a lot of chemicals. And it hurts when I pee.

(signed)

Hungry Onlooker


Dear Hungry Onlooker,

You sure do ask a lot of questions! Adjusting your eating habits can be a very important key component in a healthy lifestyle. And any competent doctor will tell you that a high fiber diet is the way to go. Speaking of competent doctors, did I ever tell you about the time I was nearly killed by a doctor? Oh, this is a great one.

It was back in college, and I'd blacked out during a class ("Special Topics in Anthropology: Religions of Hunting-Gathering and Horticultural Tribes" -- it was the class when we were covering circumcision rituals, and I still have the notebook I was taking notes in when I blacked out. You can see the crazy pen line as my hand slipped off the page while I finished writing the words "mimicking menstruation"). Well, after I woke up, I had a pounding, debilitating headache for two weeks, and when I eventually blacked out again while I was working in my painting studio (I had actually quit painting at the time to work on a graphic novel, and I was inking some panels on an easel when I blacked out, and my head slammed into the page I was working on and I had a big black ink stain on my forehead), a friend of mine insisted on taking me to the doctor after she woke me up by pulling my head off my easel.

Well, the doctor couldn't find anything wrong with me, so I had to get a bunch of tests. One of them was a CAT scan of my brain.


So I go to the hospital for the CAT scan, and I had to lie flat on my back and have my head strapped down so it wouldn't move, which was a really freaky sensation, almost like I was being strapped in for a torture session. Then they had to inject me with something, and it really, really burned when they gave me the shot. I was gritting my teeth from the pain when the doctor giving me the shot said "Does that hurt?" And I said "Yeah, it does, you'd think I'd be used to this by now." And the doctor said "What do you mean?" And I said "I have to get a shot in the arm every week for my allergy." And he was all like "What allergy?" And I said "I'm allergic to bee stings" and this is the best part, all of a sudden the doctor leaned onto the table I was strapped down to and -- this is a direct quote -- said "Shit. Oh, shit. Shit."


He immediately started barking out orders to everybody in the room, and everybody started running around. Keep in mind that my head's strapped down so all I can do is look at the ceiling, so I can hardly tell what's going on. And by this point whatever they injected me with had started working, and apparently it had the same effect on me as a bee sting because my lungs started to fill up with fluid and I couldn't breathe, I was all like "uhhhhhhh...uhhhhhhhh" trying to get air, and the room started to look really dark because I was blacking out.

When I'd been in the waiting room to get the CAT scan, they had made me fill out a form where I listed my allergies, and obviously no one had read it.

Eventually they injected me with some other stuff and I could start to breathe again. Things started to calm down and the room got brighter and suddenly everybody was a lot nicer to me than before -- they were all desperately hoping I wouldn't file a lawsuit, I think. I got the CAT scan, and they never did find out what was wrong with my head.

Anyway, I don't know what to do about your pumpkin problem, maybe try googling "pumpkin +mildew" and see what it says. As for your pee hurting, you might want to go to a doctor or something.

Signed,

John Eats.

Do you have a question, no one else can help, and you can't find The A-Team? Mail your question to:

johneats[at]gmail.com

Please only send these questions via email. John Eats does not like to be asked questions in person or over the phone, that's during his "Me Time" and he doesn't want to be bothered.

3 Comments:

Blogger Gene K. said...

Quite a story. Good thing you didn't mention the dirty knife.

11:59 AM  
Anonymous "a" said...

That's funny, I know someone who had the exact same thing happen to them! Oh, wait...

Nice pull quote, btw :-)

1:51 PM  
Anonymous "a" said...

That's funny, I know someone who had the exact same thing happen to them! Oh, wait...

Nice pull quote, btw :-)

1:51 PM  

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