John Eats.

NOW PLAYING...IN MY MIND™: "Brandy (You're A Fine Girl)" by Looking Glass

2009-03-01T12:12:00.002-05:00

WHERE THE HELL DID THIS COME FROM?!? MAKE IT STOP!!!!!!!!!!!!

NOW PLAYING...IN MY MIND™: "Minute By Minute" by The Doobie Brothers

2009-02-27T19:58:00.001-05:00

Please, MAKE IT STOP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

NOW PLAYING...IN MY MIND™: John Mellencamp's "Crumblin' Down"

2009-02-26T08:04:00.001-05:00

MAKE IT STOP!!!!!!!

WHY GOD CREATED YOUTUBE™: Child Watching ALF on DVD at College Graduation Ceremony

2008-12-22T16:54:00.002-05:00

This past weekend, Anonymous A was finally rewarded for all of her nights of lost sleep and weekends spent doing homework by stealing wifi from the Subway restaurant next door to the local Starbucks with her very own diploma. And while usually I would take this opportunity to offer her my most sincere congratulations on a job well done, I'm actually going to instead thank her for getting me a front row seat to a spectacle even more enthralling than the usual baccalaureate hijinks; for, while sitting in the audience at her graduation ceremony, I was able to watch a small child watch episodes of ALF on a portable DVD player. SO MUCH AWESOME!!! And not only did I get to watch it myself, but thanks to the power of God's greatest Internet creation, I can share that joy with all three of you loyal John Eats readers out there. So please enjoy a small part of what I was able to observe this weekend by watching the video above. I'm sure you'll agree it was much more entertaining than just watching people in unflattering polyesterwear picking up diploma holders.

Truly, this is why God created YouTube.

CELEBRITY SCHADENFREUDE FILES™: ASSHOLE WITH ASCOT NOW DIPSHIT WITH EXTREME MERCURY TOXICITY

2008-12-18T21:31:00.008-05:00

Professional douchebag Jeremy Piven has pulled out of one-trick wordsmith David Mamet's "Speed the Plow" on Broadway due to alleged "extreme mercury toxicity" in his bloodstream, caused by, among other things, eating sushi "often twice a day."

What kind of a dumbass eats that much raw fish? The kind called Jeremy Piven, apparently.

• 'Extreme mercury toxicity' sidelines Piven [ChicagoBreakingNews.com]

OH, THE HUMANITY!: Jury Duty, Day 3

2008-12-11T06:51:00.003-05:00

Here's a little Jay-Z in the courtroom to celebrate my ongoing stint on jury duty.

Everyone got their proper lunch yesterday. Several people had planned to give up their free lunch and eat out, but when the bailiff saw that several names weren't on the menu list, he informed us that we all had to order something even if we didn't want it. The Cook County court has a contract with a food provider which states that every jury member must receive a meal, regardless of whether they want it or not. Essentially, every day the Cook County court system wastes tax dollars and food because somebody won a contract. Chicago politics in action!

Yesterday's interaction with the bailiff resulted in several more references to my diet, culminating in his cross-jury room shout of "Do you ever eat alfafa sprouts?" which caused me to pause for a full five seconds while staring him down, and then answer "No" with as much sarcasm as I could muster. "Oh," he said, "Maybe you gotta be from California to eat them. I used to live in California, you know, so I know." One of the jurors silently mouthed "What the hell?" to me.

OH, THE HUMANITY!: Courtroom Videos

2008-12-10T07:05:00.003-05:00

To celebrate my current stint on a jury, I'll be posting some courtroom-themed videos here for your viewing pleasure. First up, everyone's favorite defendant, El DeBarge:

At number two in the courtroom countdown, we've got Rod Stewart and his all-female jury:

Yesterday was a milieu of miscommunication with the bailiff. Immediately upon arrival yesterday morning, I asked him before I went into the jury room about getting a copy of my summons for my employer. He put his hands over his ears and said I couldn't ask him anything. He said I had to ask the judge. So I said "When do I ask the judge? During the trial?" and he said "No, right now." And I said "Ok, where is the judge so I can speak to him?" And he pointed into the jury room and said "In there."

I walked in, and the judge wasn't in the jury room. The bailiff totally lied to me to get me to shut up and go into the jury room. Charming!

Later, the bailiff came back in the jury room and threw a pad of paper and a pen down on the table, and announced to everyone "If any of you have a question about anything, you need to ask it to the judge." Then he just stood there.

I stood up and said "So...do we write our questions down on this pad of paper and give them to you to give to the judge?"

And he said "Oh. Yeah."

"Thanks for clearing that up for us," I said. He didn't laugh, but several jurors did.

So I wrote out my question on a piece of paper, and gave it to the bailiff the next time he came in the room. He left and I didn't hear anything more about it for the rest of the morning. When lunchtime came around, the judge announced that our lunches were there, so we could either eat them in the jury room, eat them out in the hallway, or not eat them at all and go outside and buy our own lunch.

We went into the jury room to get our lunch. There were no lunches in the room. The bailiff walked in, closed the door, and said "Your lunches haven't shown up yet, I wasn't able to tell the judge before he announced they were here. So please just be patient and they'll be here soon." A group of us walked out into the hallway. I called Anonymous A and talked to her for quite awhile, then went to the restroom.

When I came out, I saw everyone had gotten their lunches. So I walked back into the jury room to get mine, only to find that there was no vegetarian sandwich like I'd ordered. So I had to go out and get my own lunch.

When I came back, I found out from the juror who passed out everyone's lunches that there wasn't a vegetarian sandwich in the shipment at all, so it wasn't a case of someone else taking my lunch. He told me I should mention it to the bailiff so that it didn't happen again the next day. So I did. And the bailiff insisted on getting me another lunch immediately. I told him not to, that I'd already eaten and didn't need another lunch. He said "We promised you a lunch, so you're getting a lunch!" and then delayed the re-start of the trial until they delivered me a new lunch, which he handed to me in the jury room (that has no refrigerator). I said to him, "Awesome! Thanks for the botulism!" He made no reply, and instead immediately asked us to re-enter the courtroom.

When we got to go back into the jury room for a break, the bailiff asked me (in front of everyone, of course) how my "veggie sandwich" was. One of the other jurors said "What, did you think he ate it out in the jury box?"

The bailiff continued to mention my veggie lunch in front of the whole jury for the rest of the day. He always made sure to refer to it as a "veggie lunch", of course, for maximum "Look at the weird vegetarian guy!" effect. At the end of the day when he escorted us to the elevator, he yelled down the hallway to me that he "wants a report on how my veggie sandwich was" tomorrow. I was forced to take it with me when we left. One of the other jurors asked me how well veggie sandwiches microwave. "Oh, probably really well after they've been sitting out at room temperature for several hours," I replied.

I threw it out when I got home.

OH, THE HUMANITY!: Observations From Jury Duty

2008-12-09T06:05:00.008-05:00

Yes, friends, it's been far too long since I've ranted about anything here, and let me just say I feel your pain. I know many of you have stayed awake some nights wishing, hoping, praying that there would be a new John Eats entry in your Feedburner the next morning, only to have those hopes dashed yet again for months on end. Well, all that is changing, at least for today. 'Cuz I got picked for jury duty this week, and it's time to let loose.

While I can't discuss anything about the case I've been assigned to, I don't see any reason why I can't discuss two things that happened before I was even interviewed for a case, out in the big holding pen/purgatory area known as the Juror Waiting Room, a den of iniquity and red tape so all-inclusive that one could truly call it a Cross-Section of America™.

First came the "mm"-ing. A small man in his late forties, wearing a fuzzy ear-flapped winter hat, fingerless gloves and a dirty flannel shirt chose to sit next to me while we all waited to be called up for our chance to be a part of the justice system. He carried several bags, a top coat, and a newspaper, all of which he set down on the chair he left between us. He spread out some of the contents of one of the bags, laid several sections of the newspaper on the chair, his lap, and the chair on the other side of him, and then proceeded to read. All during this preparation time, however, he displayed a curious vocal tick: "Mmm mm MMM!" came the sound, at no longer than five second intervals. The "mm"-ing continued as he delved into his newspaper, making the sound as he motioned the paper my way a few times as if to get my attention about something he was reading. The tone of the "mm"s was slightly different each time: sometimes joyous, sometimes self-satisfied, sometimes forlorn, sometimes irritable. The man was truly a master of inflection, and if what was coming out of his tightly squeezed lips hadn't been so abstractly unnerving I might have developed an admiration for his skill.

Alas, he was called up before I was, and for the first time he let out another sound: a deeply irate sigh which signaled he was not there for civic duty but rather for the warm place to sit on a folding chair and the opportunity to earn a cool, hard $17.20 while reading the paper and mumbling.

Then came the farting. During this time, what can only be described as a series of SBDs pummeled those of us who chose to sit in the back of the room; for although there was no sound, there was something decidedly deadly in the air. And while the "mm"ing guy might seem the obvious culprit, my money was on the woman sitting directly in front of him in the row ahead of us -- a zaftig woman also in her late 40s, with more split ends than roots in her streaky blondish hair, a mole on her cheek which helped distract from the twenty-pound bags under each eye, a pink sweatshirt on her back, an unlit cigarette in her mouth, and a dogeared dimestore romance novel in her hand. At the outset of each olfactory assault, her head would (almost imperceptibly) dart back and forth like a cat trying to determine the source of a high-pitched whine, until the smell had enough time to spread for its source to be undetectable. At this point she would lean back in her folding chair and return to her novel, letting some air escape between her lips and the dangling cigarette, making a slight whistling sound. She, too was called up before I was, in the same round as the "mm"er; this offered me the opportunity to switch seats to a less densely populated area, but quashed any chance I might have had to deduce the true source of those noxious air strikes.

This, then, is jury duty. Luckily I will be free of the Juror Waiting Room for the rest of the week, nestled instead in my courtroom's Jury Room -- that internet-free, silent, windowless, nightmarish little hovel with two adjoining bathrooms and no air circulation, where every stomach gurgle is like a trumpet blast, and every flush is like the rain.

Oh, the humanity...indeed.

THE TOP 75 CELEBRITIES WHOSE EXISTENCE SO OFFENDS ME THAT JUST LOOKING AT A PICTURE OF THEM MAKES ME WANT TO COMMIT RANDOM ACTS OF VIOLENCE™

2008-10-14T21:42:00.002-04:00

RECAP: THE SECOND 25

#50: Rob Schneider
#49: Anyone Who's Ever Hosted The View For More Than A Year
#48: Maggie Gyllenhaal
#47: John Mayer
#46: Jay Leno
#45: Dane Cook
#44: Nicolas Cage
#43: Jimmy Buffet
#42: Jason Lee
#41: Lucy Liu
#40: Jason Schwartzman
#39: Chris Tucker
#38: Vince Vaughn
#37: Jon Heder
#36: Diane Sawyer
#35: James Marsden
#34: Sandra Oh
#33: The Scuzzy-Ass Hippy Freak Lead Singer of Counting Crows
#32: Russell Crowe
#31: Ryan Gosling
#30: Ryan Phillippe
#29: Gary Busey
#28: Rainn Wilson
#27: Anthony Kiedis
#26: Annette Bening

WHY GOD CREATED YOUTUBE™: Take On Me, Literally

2008-10-07T05:38:00.003-04:00

Anonymous A uses her fact-finding skills to point us to this very literal version of A-Ha's classic "Take On Me" video. So now I'm writing a blog post to show other people this video. There, I embedded the video in the source code. Now I'm writing the second-last sentence of this paragraph. After this one, I'll insert a new paragraph which will just consist of a catch phrase with a link to the YouTube page containing this video.

Truly, this is why God created YouTube.

WHY GOD CREATED YOUTUBE™: "Achmendidahdenijahad"

2008-09-27T08:41:00.003-04:00

This is who I want to have their finger on the button and answering that 3am phone call: a cranky old fart who gets all uppity when his ancient-ass tongue gets tied because he forgot to eat his prunes and couldn't take his nap. Jesus H.

Truly, this is why God created YouTube.

SHIT! PISS!! FUCK!!!™

2008-09-24T22:05:00.001-04:00

SHIT! PISS!! FUCK!!!

SHIT! PISS!! FUCK!!!

SHIT! PISS!! FUCK!!!

OVERHEARD ONE-ACT THEATRE™: The Student And The ATM

2008-09-23T22:20:00.009-04:00

The Student And The ATM
A One-Act Play Transcribed by JohnEats

INTERIOR: The lobby of a bank in a midwestern college town. It is 8:26a.m. Two ATMs stand next to each other, one being used by a YOUNG FEMALE STUDENT who holds a cell phone up to her ear. JOHN EATS enters the lobby and heads to the open ATM, inserts his bank card and starts to withdraw thirty dollars.

YOUNG FEMALE STUDENT: (into cell phone) Hi Dad...I'm standing at the ATM. Yeah, and something's wrong. Yeah. Do you have any idea why it won't let me take out six hundred dollars?

At this, JOHN EATS pauses, looks up at the wall above his ATM. He quickly glances at the STUDENT, then looks around the empty lobby.

YOUNG FEMALE STUDENT: (into cell phone) This thing is so stupid...I mean, why wouldn't it let me take out six hundred dollars? (pauses) I don't know. Yeah, like, there's enough money in my account, isn't there?

JOHN EATS removes the thirty dollars from his ATM, puts it in his wallet. The STUDENT turns around and begins walking out.

YOUNG FEMALE STUDENT: (into cell phone, as she opens the door of the bank and walks out onto the busy street) Ok, yeah, well, it only gave me five hundred dollars, so I'll have to get the other hundred later I guess.

JOHN EATS puts his wallet in his bag, turns around and leaves the bank.

(Curtain.)

WHY GOD CREATED YOUTUBE™: Olafur Eliasson (A Milli Remix)

2008-09-23T21:59:00.003-04:00

"I've done more installations than Time Warner Cable!" Absolutely priceless. The Cheese Kurd strikes again.

Truly, this is why God created YouTube.

Oh yeah, and it's definitely NSFW.

THE TOP 75 CELEBRITIES WHOSE EXISTENCE SO OFFENDS ME THAT JUST LOOKING AT A PICTURE OF THEM MAKES ME WANT TO COMMIT RANDOM ACTS OF VIOLENCE™

2008-09-21T10:10:00.003-04:00

#26: Annette Bening
Question: What are the six words that immediately induce a gag reflex when I hear them in a movie trailer voiceover?

Answer: "And Academy Award®-nominee Annette Bening".

Is that so wrong? Well, is it?!?

ADVENTURES IN THE DESIGN WORLD™: "You Have A Concrete Floor - I Have Solution"

2008-08-28T06:08:00.009-04:00

We've discussed vehicle graphics before, but the above example re-sets the bar at an all-new dizzying height. First off, I would hate to be the poor ~~sucker~~ photographer who's forced to eke out a living by attempting to make concrete floors look appealing to people traveling 35mph and above -- altho judging by the ensuing quality of the images, those look a lot like Small Business CEO Photos™ to me ("Why pay a professional photographer when I can take my own shitty-looking flash photos with my iPhone for free? Wait, what do you mean they're too low-resolution to make any bigger than eight inches wide? Don't think you can sidestep me with all that techobabble mumbo-jumbo, you can do anything with computers these days, you little asshole!"). Then of course comes the racing stripes surrounding a checkerboard pattern, which does a great job of evoking the NASCAR® aesthetic without the pain and suffering of copyright infringement -- but what the fuck does it have to do with concrete floors? Oh, that's right: if you have a concrete floor problem (and I know most of the people who drive these days often do), you want it solved FAST.

Then, as always, we come to the typography. Arial Extra Bold all caps, is it not? Why bother with one of those pansy-ass fonts that don't automatically come with Windows when you can use the real deal - because if anyone knows beautiful typography, it's Microsoft! And yes, a thickly bold san serif is just SO readable in all caps from a distance -- the letter forms don't all just blur together or anything, no sir-ee.

And finally, there's the copy.

YOU HAVE A CONCRETE FLOOR
I HAVE SOLUTION

Let's see...does this mean the owner of the vehicle has in his or her possession a vial of some super-secret chemical substance that can fix whatever problems are inherent within concrete floors? There must be something automatically wrong with concrete floors, as it's implied here that the mere ownership of one must generate the need for a professional's intervention. Or maybe this headline was written by an eastern European who has some trouble picking up on the English language's use of the indefinite article, and no one bothered to proof the copy before it went to press (or in this case, the gerber cutter at the FastSigns® down the street).

Either way, we've got comedy gold here, folks.

THE TOP 75 CELEBRITIES WHOSE EXISTENCE SO OFFENDS ME THAT JUST LOOKING AT A PICTURE OF THEM MAKES ME WANT TO COMMIT RANDOM ACTS OF VIOLENCE™

2008-08-21T21:26:00.005-04:00

#27: Anthony Kiedis

Three words:

Under.
The.
Bridge.

Jeeziseffinkriste I hate this song, especially the vocals. I had no beef with the Chili Peppers until 1992. Now I can't stand them, and it's all this song's fault. I can't even watch more than 10 seconds of any of the above videos without having to fight the urge to walk into a Taco Bell, grab every burrito I can find, throw them to the ground, and stomp on them so all the gunk inside of them sprays all over the shoes of everyone in there.

Just sayin'.

THE TOP 75 CELEBRITIES WHOSE EXISTENCE SO OFFENDS ME THAT JUST LOOKING AT A PICTURE OF THEM MAKES ME WANT TO COMMIT RANDOM ACTS OF VIOLENCE™

2008-08-19T20:21:00.006-04:00

#28: Rainn Wilson

Sometimes celebrity hatred hits me in the head like a thunderbolt the first time I set eyes on someone; other times it takes months or even years for those all-too-common feelings of slight loathing to simmer before they boil over into a seething rage. Sometimes I have no recollection of when I came to the conclusion that a certain celebrity so offends me that just looking at a picture of them makes me want to walk into a convenience store and turn on a self-serve soda fountain and leave it on until it runs all over the floor; other times, like this one, I can pinpoint the exact moment I realize I've had enough of someone. With Rainn Wilson, it was the first time I saw his HIGH-larious cameo in the insufferably-written Juno. Jesus, was that the last straw. I'd always been disturbed by his freakishly large forehead (which, if there were any justice in the world, would have landed him the role of The Leader in the Hulk movies) -- and that alone was powerful enough to put me off of the American version of The Office, but after that "homeskillet" line some switch got flicked in my head and that, as they say, was all she wrote.

WHY GOD CREATED YOUTUBE™: Peanut Butter - The Atheist's Nightmare

2008-08-07T08:02:00.003-04:00

Yeah, sure, I'd be willing to believe the words of someone who pronounces the word "experiments" as "ex-spear-a-mints".

Truly, this is why God created YouTube.

THE WORLD IS NOT YOUR LIVING ROOM™: Now You Can Reward Annoying Behavior With A Personal Gift!

2008-08-03T11:30:00.013-04:00

Inspired by the fantastic "SHHH" card, JohnEats.com is proud to present our latest passive-aggressive public service initiative: The World Is Not Your Living Room™, a new series of free downloadable notecards you can print and hand out to people who deserve them. We're kicking this campaign off with four designs...

1. Hey, Superstar!

For all those wonderful people who understand how important it is that you listen to their commentary while watching watching a movie in an actual movie theater, send a "Hey, Superstar!" card their way. I'm sure they'll think twice before loudly predicting upcoming plot twists, reading captions out loud, or asking "What did he say?" every time one of the characters with an accent speaks the next time they sit near you at the local cineplex.

2. Do I Know You?

Tired of being alone at a public transit platform and having someone walk up to you and stand too close to you when there's plenty of other places they could be standing? Or having someone sit next to you at a movie when there are only about five other people in the theater? Or how about the guy who sits down next to you on a bus and insists on touching you with his leg? Just hand him a "Do I Know You?" card and he'll undoubtedly realize he needs to step off.

3. Howdy, Neighbor!

Sick of all the people with an overwhelming sense of entitlement who act like the mere fact that you had the balls to even walk into their neighborhood Whole Foods means you're automatically in their way? The next time someone says "excuse me" like it's an expletive rather than an expression of common courtesy, slap a "Howdy, Neighbor!" card on top of the $19 box of organic Cheerios®-substitute in their shopping cart. That'll learn 'em.

4. Hey, Good Lookin'!

Don't you love sitting in a cafe and listening to the person at the next table cutting their fingernails while you're just trying to read The Onion, fer chrissakes? Yup, we don't either. That's why we created the "Hey, Good Lookin'!" card...let that special someone know that nail clippers belong in the bathroom like God meant them to be, not out in public where people are trying to, you know, think.

So go ahead! Download our The World Is Not Your Living Room™ cards and start using them today!

ADVENTURES IN THE DESIGN WORLD™: U.S. Cellular Needs To Believe In Something Better Than This Shitty Billboard Design

2008-07-29T21:48:00.014-04:00

The first time I saw this billboard, I was walking by myself down what I thought was a deserted street. Overwhelmed by the sheer ineptitude of the design, I actually blurted out "What the FUCK is that?" without even thinking I might be overheard. Of course, I was overheard by a young woman sitting on a porch, who proceeded to shoot me a nervous look which unambiguously said "Please don't hurt me".

Without further ado, let's jump right into an analysis of just what makes this billboard design look like it was thrown together in about three minutes by a Graphic Design 1 student in their first week of class.

1. Let's Talk About Fonts!

Clarendon is a beautiful typeface, even in all caps. Matrix II Italic Bold is one of those Emigre fonts that looked effing AWESOME in 1993 but passed its sell-by date no more than a couple years later. At least they didn't go for the inline version. But here's the thing, that headline uses a serif font with a semi-serif font -- and I don't give a shit if it's a slab serif, serifs are serifs and if you try to contrast a semi-serif with a serif, YOU FAIL. Add in the butt-ugly U.S. Cellular logo (which somehow manages to make Bodoni look bad!) and it looks like somebody ate the serif pages out of an old presstype book and puked all over their design.

Oh, and while we're talking about type, let's talk about the treatment. Why is the word "something" emphasized? Read that headline out loud: "Believe in something better." It sounds like life is a shit sandwich, and maybe someday something might possibly be better but it probably never will be. Why on earth did they not emphasize the word "better"?

2. Those Wavy Lines In The Upper Left-Hand Corner: Stroke Of Genius Or Design Aneurysm?

Looks like somebody's been watching the Illustrator tutorials on Smashing Magazine again...sigh. I mean, WTF does this have to do with the rest of the ad? Are the lines supposed to be cell phone radiation or something? They certainly don't represent a phone network because the lines don't intersect -- they're parallel. Dumbass.

3. What Are Little Girls Peeking Up Out Of The Inside Of Cardboard Boxes Made Of?

That photo...it's an ethnically-ambiguous girl with messed-up hair sitting inside a cardboard box ~~with a big blue orb behind her~~. Let me say that again: It's an ethnically-ambiguous girl with messed-up hair sitting inside a cardboard box. What is this image supposed to be saying? That cell phones offer a brighter future for "those" people who live out of cardboard boxes in shanty towns? ~~Is the giant, out-of-focus blue ball rolling towards her going to finally put the little girl out of her sad-sack misery?~~ Not only does this photo not make sense in the context of a cell phone ad, it just plain doesn't make any goddamn sense in and of itself! [NOTE: Upon further inspection I discovered that the big blue orb was actually a result of my shitty camera. But that doesn't make this photo any more appropriate for the ad. So there.]

Please, designery people: we know you all hate your jobs and would rather be painting or sculpting or building all the useless shit you just learned about in Make™ Magazine during your daily B.M., but try to do the world a favor and maybe F*CKING THINK the next time you sit down to design something. Just for a couple of minutes even. Don't just slap together a company logo, a stock photo you got for free on a CD-ROM inside that one issue of Communication Arts you bought twelve years ago, your two favorite fonts of the week and an .eps file of the latest semi-hip illustrative tick you spent seven minutes learning how to incorporate into your "vernacular" and call it a design.

Christ on a crutch.

FIRST CHURCH OF LATTER-DAY PHIL COLLINS ADVENTISTS™: Sussudio on "Puttin' On The Kids"

2008-07-06T21:16:00.004-04:00

It's not every day that we here at the First Church of Latter-Day Phil Collins Adventists stumble upon something truly unique in The One True Phil's oeuvre. When we do, it's a special event that must be shared with the world, like this video of one Duffy Lucas lip-synching to "Sussudio" on a 1986 talent show. If the lip-synching doesn't make you a convert to our cause, then maybe Duffy's admission that his other interests include "acrobatics", "like[ing] to dance" and "work[ing] with computers" will tug on your heartstrings enough to become one of our brethren, just like Duffy.

FOUND OBJECT SHOWCASE®

2008-06-29T10:59:00.001-04:00

"FIRE HO"
Manipulated Signage
Provenance: San Francisco International Airport

FOUND OBJECT SHOWCASE™

2008-06-21T23:23:00.003-04:00

Rolling Rock® branded guitar
Musical Instrument
Provenance: Lincoln Square, Chicago, IL, USA

THE TOP 75 CELEBRITIES WHOSE EXISTENCE SO OFFENDS ME THAT JUST LOOKING AT A PICTURE OF THEM MAKES ME WANT TO COMMIT RANDOM ACTS OF VIOLENCE™

2008-06-13T06:11:00.003-04:00

#29 - Gary Busey

One of my high school English teachers once said "Never confuse the artist with his neuroses." And while that may be true of the work of Ernest Hemingway, F. Scott Fitzgerald or William Faulkner, I just don't see how or why it should apply to a certifiable nutjob like Gary Busey. Man, that dude creeps me out. Just one look at a picture of those amazingly disturbing teeth and I feel like waiting for one of the neighborhood ice cream carts to come trundling down the sidewalk in front of my apartment so I can kick my air conditioner out the living room window at just the right moment for it to crash into a cartload of bomb pops.

Is that so wrong?

ADVENTURES IN THE DESIGN WORLD™: SugarBushSquirrel.com

2008-06-10T06:10:00.003-04:00

Easily one of the top five most disturbing things I will see this year (right up there with Shia LaBeouf's "nutsmack" scene in Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull and John McCain's "lime jell-o" speech), the Pelzmantel-spotted website SugarBushSquirrel.com has given me the heebie-jeebies several times throughout the last 24 hours ever since my first exposure to it.

It's just so chock-full of disturbance...the equation of dress-up squirrel with rabid patriotism; the obsessive over-abundance of links; and, most importantly, the thought that somewhere, someone is spending way too much time creating outfits for, and then putting them on, a domesticated squirrel. It's not like I don't have a painful enough personal history with squirrels as it is. Sheesh.

ENTERTAINMENT DROPPINGS: Holy Poop, Prince Turned 50 Today

2008-06-07T06:33:00.004-04:00

In some ways, it feels like only yesterday that I was pumping quarters into the newfangled "video jukebox" inside a video arcade at the then-named Marriott's Great America so that I and my other fellow eighth graders could watch the brand-new video for 1999 over and over again. Now I find out that Prince is fifty years old today. Happy birthday, li'l guy. Please don't have your lawyer contact me to take down my YouTube link, it would really spoil the mood.

• Prince Turns 50: Highs and Lows [BBC News]

WHY GOD CREATED YOUTUBE™: Beamz Promotional Video

2008-06-06T08:13:00.008-04:00

Dartanjal stays on top of things by providing us with an update on the Beamz Music Performance System he headsed-up to us a little while ago. According to this blog post, Beamz is now being sold on their own website rather than through Sharper Image, so if you want to act like the doofae in the above video, you'd better head over there to get one. Now YOU TOO can PLAY THE LIGHT® with more cowbell! If you're a caucasian male, you'll definitely want to pick up one of these puppies. Hell, even asian chicks can sound halfway decent on it too! Jesus H. Christ on a crutch.

The blog also provides a link to a parody video, but really, do you need a parody of this? It pretty much already is parody.

Truly, this is why God created YouTube.

FOUND OBJECT SHOWCASE™

2008-05-29T05:55:00.003-04:00

In the market for a new iPod Nano
Photograph
Provenance: Ebay
Discovered by Dartanjal

FILMPHLEGM™: Indiana Jones and the Halfway Decent But Ultimately Disappointing Nineteen Year Wait

2008-05-25T07:53:00.013-04:00

I'm not going to try to shelter you from spoilers, so if you don't want to know anything, DON'T READ THIS REVIEW UNTIL YOU'VE SEEN THE MOVIE.

I think Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull is better than The Phantom Menace. That's not saying much; it's not terrible or anything, but Crystal Skull didn't come close to either Raiders of the Lost Ark or even Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade for me. It has its share of decent moments, but it also has a bumper crop of problems which make me kinda sad. It's not the all-out disappointment-fest that Phantom Menace was. But it certainly isn't all that great.

On the positive side, I thought Harrison Ford (and the script) did a decent job of bringing Indy into middle-to-old age and unexpected fatherhood. It was good to see Karen Allen back as Marion. Cate Blanchett, despite having a fake accent whose inconsistency rivaled Kevin Costner's in Robin Hood, Prince of Thieves did a great job of bringing a one-dimensional stereotype to life. Jim Broadbent was a decent Denholm Elliott substitute. Shia Labeouf didn't make me want to punch him in the face much, if at all. And I really liked how Steven Spielberg wasn't afraid to make some of the special effects shots downright bad; the bluescreen work during the truck chase was especially spotty, and some shots practically oozed B-movie rear projection just like the original three movies did.

Now, on to the disappointments.

For a movie whose main theme is reunion/return, it's a bit of a disappointment that only two of the seven main characters have been seen and/or head of by the audience before. Making John Hurt's character a pseudo-grandfather figure from Indy's past who isn't Abner Ravenwood was a huge missed opportunity. Yes, Abner's supposedly dead, but that would be so easy to explain away; if you're going to go through the trouble of making a movie about a family reunion, why not take it as far as it can go? Granted, they did a decent job of including references to Marcus Brody and Henry Jones, Sr. (except for the publicity photos that Indy has of them on his desk -- seriously, they couldn't have Photoshopped Sean Connery's head onto a body that wasn't wearing his exact costume from Last Crusade? Please.) but all of the "old friend" characters who were brand new to the series were a bit too much to take. We're expected to be surprised by Mac's double-cross of Indy at the beginning just because of one line where the character tells us he's been traveling with Indy for years, and then we're expected to feel at least a twinge of sadness when he succumbs to his own greed at the end (ticking another box on the list of plot devices stolen from previous Indy movies). We're supposed to feel sad when we see how Oxley has lost his marbles, just because we saw tough-guy Mutt Williams crying about it earlier. Which brings me to another disappointment...

For an action/adventure film, there's a whole lot of telling rather than showing. We're told about Mutt's relationship with Oxley and his mother. We're told lots of things about the Crystal Skull. We're told lots of things about Spalko. We're told about Indy and Mac's war and post-war career together. Wouldn't it have been nice to spend some of the two hours (like, maybe, during the opening credits) having a little flashback adventure that shows us at least some of these things in action, rather than the unnecessary homage to American Graffiti we got instead?

A lot of the problems with the movie boil down to a lackluster script, and it's painfully obvious that this was not only written by committee but was also rewritten like fifty times. So many things happen without proper explanations (like why does the nuclear test go on anyway after the entire base's crew has been killed? Who are the South American kung fu warriors who wear skulls and prowl an abandoned archeological dig every night just waiting for someone to show up?) that it feels like important details were excised from an earlier draft and nobody noticed because they'd all been thinking about the story for so long that they just knew why things should happen anyway. And the script really falls apart in terms of character motivation. Why does Marion instantly fall back in love with Indy after he abandoned her at the altar, and after she made the choice to not even tell him they had a child together? And while Mutt's comment at the end about Jones abandoning them is a decent emotional moment and a real challenge to Indy as the father figure, what is the response? Indy and Marion smile and chuckle. Wow, that's...awkward. Oh, and David Koepp: if you ever get asked to write another Indiana Jones movie, please, please, PLEASE do not stick in another Star Wars quote during the climax. That's one more bit of Indy/Star Wars intertextuality the world does not need. Thanks.

And then there's the entire concept that the movie is based around. While the crystal skulls are "real," and have been part of the archeological world's milieu for ages, they just don't have the widespread mystique that the Ark of the Covenant or the Holy Grail had in the earlier films. Their level of cultural intrigue is much closer to the Shankara stones from Temple of Doom, which gives the movie the burden of having to prove to the audience that the quest for the skull really is significant -- no, really. Compare the lengthy, multiple scenes between Indy and Mutt where Indy has to explain why the skull is powerful to these two sentences of dialogue from Raiders: "The Bible speaks of the Ark leveling mountains and laying waste to entire regions. An army which carries the Ark before it is invincible." See the difference? Hitler wants the Ark, and the Ark can do this. There's your motivation. Here, we have Spalko, who's not even Russian, sort of looking for the skull in the name of the Soviets, and it might be able to do some stuff but all we've seen it do so far is act as a highly selective magnet. In Raiders we see an engraving of the Ark spewing "Lightning. Fire. Power of God, or something." In Crystal Skull we see nothing, no evidence of what it can do other than make CGI gunpowder fly through the air, and a couple of lines about psychic mumbo-jumbo. There are so many archeological artifacts or legends to have drawn from and still make a movie about space aliens if you want to, why choose this one?

Yes, this is the first sci-fi Indiana Jones movie. Lucas makes a good point that the earlier movies took place in the 1940s and therefore they were an homage to the action serials of the 1940s, whereas Crystal Skull takes place in the 1950s so making it a flying saucer movie is contextually consistent. That definitely works in theory. In practice, it leads to the most muddled conclusion of the four movies. The first three movies were about faith in the spiritual and the supernatural, whereas this one is about the viability of the SETI project. Like the Star Wars prequels and their transmogrification of The Force from a mystical energy field to a bunch of little space aliens living inside Jedi DNA, Crystal Skull's aliens change Indiana Jones from a man of science learning to live alongside religious faith to a man of science learning that the geeks were always right. It's a fundamentally different approach to the series, which isn't necessarily a bad thing -- it's been nineteen years, after all. But whether that new approach suits your tastes is what really matters. I expect sci-fi elements to creep up in Indiana Jones video games, because they're meant to appeal to geeks like me. The movies have always seemed to aim just slightly higher, and this one doesn't; it's like Lucas wedged the sci-fi element into it just so he could force Spielberg to stick in more CGI than he wanted to.

Speaking of CGI: so many reviewers (and the filmmakers themselves) talk about how this movie has almost no CGI in it. Excuse me? You've got the CGI gophers (in a non sequiter ode to Caddyshack), CGI ants, CGI monkeys...oh, the monkeys. I'm not even gonna go there.

Crystal Skull's version of Last Crusade's ride off into the sunset is a wedding scene, which is not entirely unexpected but also comes a bit out of left field. And the closest thing to spirituality in this movie comes when what can only be appropriately referred to as the breath of God suddenly flings open the church doors and blows Indy's fedora over to Mutt. It's a very weird scene, and a very obtuse way to set up a "passing the baton" joke. Like the rest of the movie, it's got great intentions but its execution leaves a bit to be desired.

Cats That Look Like Hitler

2008-05-24T09:28:00.003-04:00

What could be more appropriate on Indiana Jones weekend than receiving an email from Michael Knight pointing me towards Cats That Look Like Hitler? Sure, Indy's fighting the Russians this time around, but dude, don't those cats look like Hitler??

WHY GOD CREATED YOUTUBE™: Milli Vanilli Carefree Commercial

2008-05-24T09:10:00.002-04:00

Eels is on a bit of a Fab Morvan kick lately, which set me off on a Milli Vanilli YouTube search, producing the above gem. Let's tick off the list:

• Milli Vanilli
• classical music
• self-referential parody of lipsynching
• record scratch sound effect

Jesus H, this is BRILLIANT!

Truly, this is why God created YouTube.

WHY GOD CREATED STREAMING FLASH VIDEO™: Best Buy Dance Off

2008-05-23T06:04:00.004-04:00

Best Buy Dance Off - Watch more free videos
From the mighty email-typing hand of Dartanjal comes yet another viral video gem: a silent security camera video documenting one white man's attempt to impress the ladies with his mad skillz. In my mind I can hear everything on this soundtrack except the exact song that's playing...the shrieks from the girls as the dude gets down on the floor must have been ear-shattering.

Truly, this is why God created streaming Flash video.

WHY GOD CREATED YOUTUBE™: Quincy Opening With Lyrics!

2008-05-19T06:44:00.002-04:00

From the tipping talents of The Cheese Kurd comes this bold reinterpretation of the opening credits to Quincy, everyone's favorite TV show about one half of The Odd Couple.

Truly, this is why God created YouTube.

WHY GOD CREATED TOUTUBE™: "Crazy" On The Theremin

2008-05-14T06:14:00.005-04:00

I'm under the impression that Dartanjal has quit his job and is now sitting in a small room with nothing more than an endless supply of caramel macchiatos, some Riesen chocolate chews, and an internet connection to keep him company, since for the past week or so several of his friends and I have been treated to a non-stop barrage of emails containing links to eBay auctions, photos, and YouTube videos relating to synthesizers. Not that I mind, especially when he turns up gems like the above video which, even at a year old and over a million hits, must surely still be entertaining people worldwide. Well, it entertained me. Maybe it'll entertain you too.

Truly, this is why God created YouTube.

ADVENTURES IN THE DESIGN WORLD™: 50 Of The Worst Album Covers In The World

2008-05-12T06:31:00.002-04:00

Bad album covers never cease to entertain, and Anonymous A just pointed me towards yet another online collection of the best of the worst. There are some real gems in here, and I've only seen a couple of them before, like the Joyce album which I think has been included in every online collection of bad album covers I've ever seen -- and yet that doesn't seem to detract from its overall awfulness. Enjoy.

ADVENTURES IN THE DESIGN WORLD™: How Bold Can Darth Vader Be?

2008-05-09T06:42:00.004-04:00

This morning I received the above graphic (which originated at Ironic Sans) from The Dancing Machine. And while I was impressed by the incredible cleverness of it, I couldn't help but be inspired to come up with something typographically snarky in response (see below).

WHY GOD CREATED YOUTUBE™: Pork Chop Cook-Off

2008-05-08T08:02:00.004-04:00

Sizzlin' meat. Thumpin' techno. Mazola.

This is the new gold standard by which all home videos about two guys cookin' pork will be judged.

[Thanks, Dartanjal!]

Truly, this is why God created YouTube.

ENTERTAINMENT DROPPINGS: Isn't It About Time We Checked Back In With Our Favorite Asshole With An Ascot?

2008-05-07T06:04:00.004-04:00

• Jeremy Piven's Passion For Life Misinterpreted As Violent Temper (courtesy of Defamer)

ADVENTURES IN THE DESIGN WORLD™: "We Have An Unusual Situation Here."

2008-05-06T05:33:00.009-04:00

There's nothing worse in the web design world of 2008 than someone who still insists on designing their site so it can only be used with one browser.

Oh, wait, did I say there was nothing worse? How about someone who insists on designing their site so it can only be used with one browser and then acts smug about how lazy they are?

That's exactly the attitude you get when you visit AmericanLiteracy.com with "one of 59 other browsers" than Internet Explorer. But who can blame them, really? I mean, it's a well-known fact that no one in America who uses a Mac (or Firefox on their PC) gives a shit about literacy.

Oh, and while you're at it -- if you're going to presume to be so learned as to know which browser is best for me -- please learn the keyboard shortcut to actually make a proper elevated trademark symbol (like this ™) instead of the "oh snap, how do you do this?" method of sticking it in lower case inside parentheses. That's what The Google is for, people.

Unreal.

(tipped by Anonymous A)

THE TOP 75 CELEBRITIES WHOSE EXISTENCE SO OFFENDS ME THAT JUST LOOKING AT A PICTURE OF THEM MAKES ME WANT TO COMMIT RANDOM ACTS OF VIOLENCE™

2008-05-02T06:11:00.004-04:00

#30: Ryan Phillippe

While I'm on the subject of celebrity Ryans who give me the heebie-jeebies, how about that Ryan Phillippe guy, huh? Not only does he look like somebody who you should keep away from small children but he has so many double consonants in his name that nobody knows how to fucking pronounce it right. Is it "FILL-ip"? "Fill-i-PEE"? "Fill-EE-pey"? Who knows! But what I do know is that whenever I look at a picture of him and his spray-on blond five o'clock shadow I feel like hitting myself in the head with one of those giant wiffle ball bats at least thirty five times in a row then trying to walk out into oncoming traffic. And is that so wrong?

THE TOP 75 CELEBRITIES WHOSE EXISTENCE SO OFFENDS ME THAT JUST LOOKING AT A PICTURE OF THEM MAKES ME WANT TO COMMIT RANDOM ACTS OF VIOLENCE™

2008-05-02T06:02:00.004-04:00

#31: Ryan Gosling

Okay, enough of that whole "liking" thing, back to things that make me grind my teeth in my sleep without me even knowing it. And honestly, I've never walked around thinking "You know who irritates the fuck out of me? Ryan Fucking Gosling!"...I mean, I barely even know who he is or any movies or TV shows he's been in, but every time I look at a picture of him I just feel like I've been sprayed with asshole germs. I'm sure somebody's gonna tell me "Obviously you've never seen Half Nelson and you know nothing of the power of cinema" and I'd say right back to them "You know, I don't give a shit, all I know is that looking at this guy makes me feel like spreading a bunch of thumbtacks out on top of a bench in front of a nursing home." Jesus.

ACCEPTS TOKENS ONLY™: You Have To Burn The Rope

2008-05-02T05:23:00.003-04:00

Yes, I know, for a blogger who can't seem to find the time to post more than like three times a month anymore, coming back from yet another week-long hiatus to create yet another new topic category might seem a little overly ambitious. But I couldn't find any other category to fit in a post about video games, so welcome to the inaugural post of Accepts Tokens Only™. And here's a rarity, I'm actually writing this because I like something. Yeah, you read it right. Like. Drop what you're doing right now and clicky-clicky over to You Have To Burn The Rope, the Flash game of the century. In terms of gameplay it's crazy easy - all you need is a decent command of the arrow keys and you'll be having fun in no time. And honestly, beating this game will take you no time, and you have to beat the game in order to experience its best feature, which is its end credits song. They even provide karaoke-like lyrics on the screen so you can sing along, and chances are it'll be stuck in your head for at least an hour or two after you hear it. I've never heard of Henrik Nåmark before, but I hope Spike gets wise and gives him a Video Game Award this year for composing.

• Play You Have To Burn The Rope

WHY GOD CREATED YOUTUBE™: Kraftwerk Live in Milwaukee

2008-04-22T06:02:00.002-04:00

Don't you just love going to concerts nowadays and watching all the people around you videoifying? What a joy. Not only do you get to be annoyed and distracted by the cameras during the show, but then when you go to the YouTube after the show and see the footage and it's all small and grainy and has shitty sound you get to be disappointed that it's not better quality. Ah, the angst of the 21st Century cultural snob.

Truly this is why God created YouTube.

FILMPHLEGM™: Don't Ever Go To A Goddamned 4-D Theater If You Know What's Good For You

2008-04-21T16:44:00.003-04:00

Anyone out there in JohnEats land ever gone to a 4-D theater before? Ever gone to the one at the Shedd Aquarium like Anonymous A and I did last week? Well, if you haven't, don't bother unless you enjoy getting poked in the f*cking back with a plastic rod, slapped in the legs with a rubber hose, sprayed about the legs and face with tepid water, and blasted with air from power fans so loud they drown out the soundtrack of the movie. Who in the hell thought that this was a good idea? Nowhere in the marketing bullshit about this supposed "cinematic revolution" do they mention oh, by the way, there's a plastic rod in the backrest of your seat that will suddenly spring out and feel like somebody's sticking the business end of a pencil in your back. No, they describe this as a "special FX seat" which "will thrill you with bubbles, wind, strange and wonderful smells, tickles, amazing sounds and all kinds of surprises." Has no one with a heart condition experienced this, keeled over and sued the be-jesus out of whoever manufactures these things? I mean, yeah, it was kind of funny at first but after the third time I got poked in the back and splashed with water I was pretty goddam sick of it.

Not to mention the creepy, solitary tweed-sporting 50-something white guy who decided that he needed to sit right next to me even tho he was one of only five people other than Anonymous A and myself in the entire theater -- yet another piece of evidence that the irritating social misbehavior known as The Human Swarm is close to an outright epidemic now. Sonuvabitch.

Please Stand By.

2008-04-16T06:01:00.005-04:00

Sorry to be away for so long, I'm sure all three of you who read this are probably devastated. I'm a bit busy at the moment, but hope to find the time to do more useless ranting soon.

In the meantime, why not check out:

This?

Or this?

Or how about this?

But what about this?

Maybe even this?

More soon, with context!

Never In A Million Years Did I Think I'd Ever Have To Write This

2008-04-02T05:38:00.003-04:00

If I knew back in the day when I was desperately telling everyone I knew to watch Freaks And Geeks because I couldn't bear the thought of it going off the air that there would come a day where I'd see an ad for what looks like Owen Wilson starring in a 21st century Disney remake of My Bodyguard and then in the same week make the startling discovery that the viral ad campaign I'd gotten tired of before I'd seen the second billboard were both products of the man who created one of the best sitcoms ever, well...I'd still keep telling people about Freaks And Geeks. But I wouldn't have to like it.

Please, Judd Apatow. Take a movie season off. Your fans deserve not to get sick of you.

iPLOD™: Sharper Image's Beamz™ Interactive Music Performance System

2008-04-01T06:16:00.013-04:00

Dartanjal really hit the nail on the head with this one. I think in the beamz™ interactive music performance system, we can find everything that's wrong with the entire Sharper Image aesthetic in one lone SKU. First off, for some weird reason that can only be explained with the aid of some recreational drug use, they think their demographic still thinks products whose names substitute an "S" with a "Z" are somehow "hip", "trendy" or "urban chic." Then you've got the aesthetic design of the thing, which is of course molded in a silver-like plastic substance and shaped like a big-ass W (because corporate guys who buy crap like this to make themselves feel like they might just have a solitary creative bone left in their bodies still like George W. Bush, right?). Then you look at the specs of the thing and you realize they're charging $600 for what essentially amounts to the synth inside a crappy Casio keyboard connected to a few LED lights. And their marketing geniuses think that psuedo-New Agey ad copy like this will appeal to their base:

The beamz™ interactive music system brings families and friends together through highly personalized music performances that elicit joy and excitement across all ages. Even preschoolers can "play the light®" and everyone can be the music star of the party! And in a different way, anyone can chill out while performing alone — expressing their mood with music of their own making.

With a combination of poor concepting, execution and marketing like this, it's no wonder Sharper Image just declared bankruptcy (thanks for that bit of info, Koobifora).

I can just see lots of Shaper Image board members standing alone in their offices, one hand holding their quarterly financial report, the other moving through the magical LEDs of the beamz® Interactive Music System, playing a wistful, melancholy tune along to a "reggae" rhythm track, a single tear streaming down their cheek as they ponder how meaningless life will be without so much useless shit to buy when Sharper Image is finally put out to pasture.

WHY GOD CREATED YOUTUBE™: The Amazing Ten Second Haitian News Team Psychodrama

2008-03-27T06:11:00.004-04:00

Maybe the first time you watch this clip it will seem mildly amusing. I mean, it's Haiti, so yes, pretty much everywhere it's gonna be hot. Of course! But, as was so astutely pointed out by one commenter on the original Defamer post where I originally saw this video, you need to watch it a few times and really pay attention to the subtle interplay of the three characters. First off, you've got the weatherman who may or may not be suffering the effects of a nickel bag-induced "low pressure system." Then you've got the woman who cracks the jacket joke who seems to be deliberately provoking the weatherman -- check his immediate reaction to her before he starts to laugh. Then you've got the guy sitting next to the woman who seems to be telling himself over and over "Smile and nod, smile and nod, smile and nod" as he prepares to say his next line, obviously tense and hoping that whatever beef the other two have with each other won't explode into some on-camera mess that he'll be forced to clean up. Add the fact that the fashions and set design place this squarely at about circa 1982 and this sets the mind spinning. Where are these people now? Is Arthur the weatherman hanging out on a Port-au-Prince beach trolling with a metal detector and offering samples of only the finest ganja to tourists? Has the woman clawed her way to the top of the Haitian news corporate ladder, sitting in a cushy office, and doing one on-air editorial comment a month? Is the guy who was on the couch next to her now a shoe salesman at the Port-au-Prince Foot Locker? So many possibilities, so much drama, all in a brief ten seconds.

Truly, this is why God created YouTube.

WHY GOD CREATED YOUTUBE™: Jean-Luc Picard Duckroll

2008-03-26T05:47:00.002-04:00

Last night I approved a comment on yesterday's Russell Crowe post which turned out to be a piece of spam -- and my first experience with Rickrolling. My ignorance of this phenomenon led Anonymous A to take some time out of her schedule to help get me up to speed on some of the Internet trends that are hip with the kids these days, including the grandpappy of Rickrolling, Duckrolling. In the process, she stumbled upon the above video, which isn't much in the video department (you've already seen every frame of it) but the song that accompanies the visual is so absurd that I can't get it out of my head. Enjoy.

Truly, this is why God created YouTube.

THE TOP 75 CELEBRITIES WHOSE EXISTENCE SO OFFENDS ME THAT JUST LOOKING AT A PICTURE OF THEM MAKES ME WANT TO COMMIT RANDOM ACTS OF VIOLENCE™

2008-03-25T06:02:00.006-04:00

#32: Russell Crowe

What is it about Russell Crowe that makes me want to take pot shots at squirrels with a nail gun? Is it his telephone-throwing ability? Is it his pretensions of being accepted as a legitimate musician even though he obviously graduated from the Ricky Gervais school of overblown music video acting? Or is it the fact that something about him has always reminded me of Jacko, the Energizer mook?

No matter what it is, it's prevented me from ever watching Gladiator or American Gangster. And don't even get me started on Master & Command: The Far Side of the World, not to mention the fact that I'd rather spend an afternoon tearing my own fingernails out than sit through all of A Beautiful Mind.

Is that so wrong? Is it?!?

WHY GOD CREATED YOUTUBE™: We Are The World (Japanese Version)

2008-03-23T08:07:00.003-04:00

Never mind the accents, or the disturbing Japanese blackface. What really needs to be discussed here is the fact that they substituted their Bruce Springsteen impersonator for Huey Lewis's part. Unconscionable!! [courtesy of Si-cut.db]

Truly, this is why God created YouTube.

WHY GOD CREATED YOUTUBE™: Dan Aykroyd Unplugged On UFOs

2008-03-13T06:14:00.005-04:00

This past weekend I was browsing the DVD section at a bookstore and stumbled upon something that left my head spinning: Dan Aykroyd Unplugged On UFOs, a 2005 documentary/interview with the Canadian comedian (and friend of The Belush). The DVD packaging purported to offer definitive proof that UFOs exist, and that Dan Aykroyd is allegedly an expert on them.

To say I was intrigued would be an understatement. I mean, how easy would it be for this to be an elaborate joke? For a guy who built his career by portraying sleazy scheisters to, seemingly out of nowhere, become a respected authority on UFOlogy sounds like the perfect setup for a low-budget slice of comedy gold. But it's not a joke, as this CNN interview with Aykroyd proves.

The first thing I did when I got home was to ad the DVD to my Netflix queue, but then as per usual Anonymous A had the brilliant idea that I might be able to save myself a rental by checking YouTube. And, lo and behold, there it was in its complete glory. Embedding, of course, has been disabled by request, so you'll have to visit the links below to watch it (or click on the screenshot above for part one). What an amazing piece of work. How did I miss this for almost three years? There's more entertainment packed into this documentary than there was in Spies Like Us and Neighbors combined!

Dan Aykroyd Unplugged On UFOs on YouTube:

• Part One

• Part Two

• Part Three

• Part Four

• Part Five

ADVENTURES IN THE DESIGN WORLD™: The Big Bobber Floating Cooler

2008-03-11T06:09:00.007-04:00

Sure, I've talked about oversized products before here on JohnEats.com (which were also, coincidentally, spotted online by Anonymous A just like this one), but they didn't have as much going for them as the whole package surrounding The Big Bobber Floating Cooler. First off, we've got the website which, as seen above, sports some dandy dual-animated logos, a table border of like 20 pixels, some ALL CAPS UNNECESSARY SELF-EXPLANATION AS TO WHAT THIS THING IS THAT YOU'RE LOOKING AT RIGHT NOW, an animated U.S. map, and -- to top it all off -- there's this:

We've got the words "Just 'Click'", which aren't a link, telling you to click on a picture below it! Wouldn't Jacob Nielsen be proud?

But the real beauty of thebigbobberfloatingcooler.com lies within its eponymous product. Just look at this baby in action:

Seriously, it really does float! Like a real bobber! So you can open it while you're fishing or swimming and get seaweed in it!

Plus you can use it to store Pepsi...or fruit:

Just make sure you don't put both Pepsi AND fruit into the same Big Bobber. I think there might be a matter/anti-matter explosion if you do.

WHY GOD CREATED YOUTUBE™: The Ten Biggest Cocks In Advertising

2008-03-09T08:02:00.003-04:00

This weekend I discovered my new personal hero: Charlie Brooker, a BBC TV presenter who hosts a show called Screenwipe, which analyzes television. If you enjoy sarcasm, profanity and media studies, then this is the show for you. And if the above video rant against the Ten Biggest Cocks in Advertising doesn't win you over, then try out his rants about MTV's Sweet Sixteen, or computer games, or American television, or 24, or High School - The Musical, or UK TV exported to the US, or Doctor Who, or my personal favorite punching bag, Torchwood. And if all of that isn't enough for you, then the half-hour long Guide To Television should pretty much do you in. I can easily see how somebody might find him an utterly annoying bag of shit (as he might even describe himself), but to me Charlie Brooker has become THE shit.

Truly, this is why God created YouTube.

WHY GOD CREATED YOUTUBE™: There Will Be Bud

2008-03-07T05:56:00.002-05:00

What do you get when you cross There Will Be Blood with the campus nickelbag dealer? You get There Will be Bud, a spot-on parody featuring an impressive Daniel Day Lewis impersonation, some clever cinematography, and one of the best uses of video game bowling I've ever seen.

Truly, this is why God created YouTube.

WHY GOD CREATED STREAMING FLASH VIDEO™: The Magic Of Bill Blagg III

2008-03-06T06:05:00.003-05:00

ZOMG you so totally have to go here right now and check out this amazing commercial for The Magic of Bill Blagg III. Like the man says, your view of reality will be changed. I know it changed for me even just after watching the commercial, I can't even imagine how rocked my world would be after seeing the show in person (anybody wanna go? Oh, and thanks for the tip, Dartanjal.)

Truly, this is why God created streaming Flash video.

WHY GOD CREATED YOUTUBE™: Pizza Hut Refillable Jug

2008-03-05T06:25:00.003-05:00

Care for some Pepsi with your diabetes? This jug is pretty much one step removed from just sucking on the Pepsi dispenser and pumping gallons of it directly into your stomach. I wonder why this promotion didn't last after 1983?

Truly, this is why God created YouTube.

ARTFARTS™: Garfield Minus Garfield

2008-02-28T06:44:00.004-05:00

On the suggestion of Legolas, I've spent some time perusing Garfield Minus Garfield, an existential look at one of the world's most popular (and one of my top five least favorite) comic strips. By stripping Garfield the character out of Garfield the comic strip, we bear witness to an examination of the human condition, a soul alone, and it leads us, the viewers, to ponder why Jon Arbuckle chooses to maintain his existence - is it free will? Anima versus animus? Or some other bullshit like that?

• Garfield Minus Garfield

ADVENTURES IN THE DESIGN WORLD™: Sleeveface

2008-02-26T06:51:00.003-05:00

Last night, Anonymous A and I took a few photos for Sleeveface and posted them to the Facebook group. This morning I wake up to find out we've been asked to contribute the above photos to the upcoming Sleeveface coffeetable book! I knew there was a reason I spent 50 cents apiece for those records. Oh what feeling, as Lionel might say.

WHY GOD CREATED YOUTUBE™: Don't Copy That Floppy

2008-02-26T06:21:00.002-05:00

Courtesy of Anonymous A comes this vintage slice of ineptitude, a "rap" "music video" written by a lawyer to try to get kids to stop copying software. The use of stretched Arial, a Corinthian column as a tv stand, and Max Headroom-era video effects place this squarely in 1992's lap, and if you can stomach the first 3 minutes and 14 seconds you'll get to see a handful of programmers (and the lawyer who wrote the "rap") talk about how video games will go bye-bye forever if you keep copying them. I know, it's difficult to get through even the first minute of this without wanting to tear your own eyes out, but it's worth it, trust me.

Truly, this is why God created YouTube.

JOHNEATS VIDEO FUNHOUSE™: "The Public Fingernail Clipper"

2008-02-24T23:16:00.004-05:00

What better way to spend the commercial breaks between the Oscars broadcast than with a little filmmaking of my own? So here you go: a video of some jagoff I saw on the train today clipping his fingernails in public. I hope you enjoy watching this online as much as I enjoyed experiencing it in person.

iPLOD™: Now You Can Listen To Daughtry While You Tase Me, Bro

2008-02-22T06:01:00.006-05:00

For the first installment of iPLOD™, the new JohnEats department dedicated to gadgets and electronics, we are proud to present another find from the one and only Dean in Milwaukee who points us toward the recently unveiled Taser MPH - the world's first combination Taser gun and MP3 player. I sure as hell can't wait to get mine. I mean really, who wouldn't want to be able to walk around with their music cranked so loud that they can't even hear the screams of the people they tase? This is absolutely brilliant, and I can already picture the Wal-Mart commercials we'll be watching come this holiday season.

Check it out, dude, there's a video and everything! Phukinay!!

THE TOP 75 CELEBRITIES WHOSE EXISTENCE SO OFFENDS ME THAT JUST LOOKING AT A PICTURE OF THEM MAKES ME WANT TO COMMIT RANDOM ACTS OF VIOLENCE™

2008-02-20T06:39:00.004-05:00

#33: The Scuzzy-Ass Hippy Freak Lead Singer of Counting Crows

Okay, I know that to call this guy "a celebrity" is probably way too generous since Counting Crows pretty much passed their sell-by date over a decade ago, but yesterday I saw a banner ad on a website promoting some insane "Win a backstage pass to see Counting Crows!" contest and my gag reflex kicked in. Pretty much since 1991, every time I've so much as seen a photo of the scuzzy-ass hippy freak lead singer of Counting Crows (or so much as heard one full second of "Mr. Jones") I've felt like slowly pushing ten to fifteen thumbtacks (however many it takes) into my own thigh until I black out. Is that so wrong?

PICTURES OF PEOPLE TAKING PICTURES™

2008-02-18T05:35:00.004-05:00

ENTERTAINMENT DROPPINGS: Blast From The Past Hollywood Email Flamewar

2008-02-14T06:23:00.006-05:00

Now during the breathing space between the Hollywood writers strike being officially over and those durn pesky actors possibly wanting their own piece of the pie too, it gives us an opportunity to revisit a classic: the email bitchfest (courtesy of Pelzmantel) between Mark Brazill, creator of such comedy classics as That '70s Show and That '80s Show duking it out with newly-annointed golden boy Judd Apatow over a sketch that appeared on the mostly unwatched but mostly much-lauded (with pretty good reason) Ben Stiller Show. It's got everything you could want from an email war between professional writers: insults, bad grammar, even a "9/11-changed-everything" reference!

• "Don't Have A Cow, Man" [Harper's]

ADVENTURES IN THE DESIGN WORLD™: By The Time You Read This, An Icicle Has Already Pierced Your Skull

2008-02-12T05:39:00.000-05:00

A little unnecessarily verbose, wouldn't you say? This reads more like a limitation of liability clause in a contract than a sign warning of immediate danger. Maybe it has something to do with the font choice. Or maybe it has something to do with the wishy-washy insertion of the word "possible" (especially with the broken ice shards lying on the ground around the sign in this photo).

Whatever it is, it kind of fails miserably.

ENTERTAINMENT DROPPINGS: The Grammys Party Like It's 1985

2008-02-11T06:05:00.000-05:00

For all the hype around Amy Winehouse's attempts to get out of rehab and get over to LA, the real star of last night's Grammy Awards had to be the '80s. First off, we got Prince handing out an award and cracking wise about the absurd Alicia Keys/Frank Sinatra Duet From Beyond The Grave. Then Cyndi Lauper came out to remind everybody that she actually won a Grammy once. And let's not forget Kanye and Daft Punk with their amazing Tron-referencing costumes and set design, not to mention more vocoder effects than Lipps, Inc. could shake a stick at. Oh, and Tina Turner recontextualized her career by making it two-thirds '80s hits to one-third Proud Mary (and was that silver suit a Thunderdome reference?).

But of course the real news from last night was The Time reunion. From Jimmy Jam's key-tar to Jerome's timbales-and-mirror combo, The Time bookended Rihanna with two volumes of Tha Funk. And yeah, Rihanna's huge with the kiddies and everything, but Morris Day still got in the last word when he turned to her and tapped his watch. What Time Is It indeed.

Beautiful.

ADVENTURES IN THE DESIGN WORLD™: Battle Of The Seated Person With Headline Type Layouts

2008-02-09T13:32:00.001-05:00

So which of the above images do you find more disturbing? Is it the top image (courtesy Anonymous A), with its farmer-tanned, synthetic fiber-uniformed mobile phone user? Or is it the bottom image (courtesy Dartanjal), with its pants-suited, unfortunately be-socked protagonist and Optima all-caps bold drop shadowed headline text with bonus sexually suggestive brush script sub-head?

All I know is, I just love the reflection of the cell phone guy's ass.

WHY GOD CREATED YOUTUBE™: Smoke On The Water (Japanese Classical Mix)

2008-02-07T21:59:00.000-05:00

Ok, so The Cheese Kurd actually sent me this in a different, YouTube-competing format, but I went out of my way to re-find this on YouTube for all you people. So you better thank me. Anyway, the opening of this (before the vocals start) is one of the most beautiful, sublime, and ridiculous things I've heard in a long time. Ain't nobody does Deep Purple like a Japanese orchestra.

Truly, this is why God created YouTube.

Oh, and for those of you keeping track at home, this here has been my 500th blog post. Or whatever the hell you call these things.

So, congratulations to me. Or, as the guy at Enterprise Rental Car in downtown Milwaukee once said to his coworker who told him that then-vice president Al Gore's motorcade had just driven down the street outside:

"Oh, whoopee-doopee."

WHY GOD CREATED YOUTUBE™: Mister Rogers Breakdances

2008-02-04T06:15:00.000-05:00

Does much more need to be said than the above title? (Tip from Anonymous A)

Truly, this is why God created YouTube.

FOUND OBJECT SHOWCASE™

2008-01-28T06:57:00.001-05:00

User-submitted review of Rambo IV on Metacritic.com (on a scale of 1-10)
Text
Provenance: The Internet

THE TOP 75 CELEBRITIES WHOSE EXISTENCE SO OFFENDS ME THAT JUST LOOKING AT A PICTURE OF THEM MAKES ME WANT TO COMMIT RANDOM ACTS OF VIOLENCE™

2008-01-28T06:23:00.001-05:00

#34: Sandra Oh

Yeah, yeah, she was pretty decent in Sideways and whatever but that really doesn't stop the fact that ever since Grey's Anatomy Sandra Oh has been shoved down the throats of the American viewing public by appearing on every talk show and magazine cover like ever in the whole world, and every time I so much as look at a picture of her now I feel like laying a strip of cap gun caps down on the sidewalk outside of an apartment building at like 2am on a summer morning and smacking the caps with a hammer so I wake everybody in the building up who has their windows open. I mean man oh man.

Is this so wrong??

THE TOP 75 CELEBRITIES WHOSE EXISTENCE SO OFFENDS ME THAT JUST LOOKING AT A PICTURE OF THEM MAKES ME WANT TO COMMIT RANDOM ACTS OF VIOLENCE™

2008-01-28T05:50:00.000-05:00

#35: James Marsden

One of the many reasons the X-Men movies got progressively worse to me was because I can't so much as look at a picture of James Marsden without wanting to bake a cake full of thumbtacks and leave it in the break room of some random office building. And then dude had to contribute to the downfall of Superman Returns by basically playing the same character, which made me want to slam my pinky in a car door seven times in a row.

Is that so terrible? Am I completely and utterly alone in this?

FOUND OBJECT SHOWCASE™

2008-01-24T08:06:00.001-05:00

Dee Snider and Carnie Wilson at the New York Stock Exchange
Photograph with caption
Provenance: The Internet, 2008

WHY GOD CREATED EMBEDDED FLASH VIDEO™: "How Does It Feel" By James Johnson-Perkins

2008-01-23T21:27:00.000-05:00

Dude makes this schmack with Lego®. Check out his myspace for more. I could watch this just about every morning for the rest of my life and I'd still chuckle when the Lego gun shows up.

WHY GOD CREATED YOUTUBE™: Theme From "Doctor Who" Played By Car Horns

2008-01-23T06:03:00.000-05:00

This video combines five of my all-time favorite things: the theme from Doctor Who, car horns, crying babies, dorks who spout factoids to their friends who didn't ask to hear them, and commercials for government-subsidized magazines.

Well, okay, really only one of those things is my all-time favorite. But it's less of a downer than one of the gazillions of odes to Heath Ledger you'll probably read today!

Truly, this is why God created YouTube.

FILMPHLEGM™: Persepolis

2008-01-20T22:21:00.001-05:00

So this weekend Anonymous A and I decided to head down to the local artiplex to catch Persepolis. And as per usual we had to put up with some bullshit. First off, it was absofreakinglutely freezing out all weekend. Yeah, I know what you're thinking, it was cold for everybody. But that doesn't make it any warmer, asshole!

So then we get to the theater and of course we don't want to interact with any humans if we don't have to so I went up to one of those ticket kiosk machine things to buy the tickets and it tells me that "85% of seats are still available" for the next showing so I'm thinking "Awesomeness! There'll be like nobody in there!" and then we get into the theater only like five minutes later after buying some snacks and it's like totally full except for a couple rows in the back. No big deal, at least we could sit together unlike when we saw Michael Clayton which was such total bullshit I don't even wanna talk about it right now. So anyway the lights dimmed and then came back up and then dimmed again right away so we were all like "WTF dude?" and then they start off right away with a trailer for Torchwood on HDNet and I'm like "Wow, cool, even tho season one pretty much sucks ass" and then they start showing a trailer for a movie about a counterfeiter in a concentration camp and just as I start wondering if whoever wrote the movie got the idea just by playing around with consonance one day, these two guys walk up to us and want to sit in our row, and we're sitting at the end of the row and I'm all like "Jesus H.! Show up on time or whatever!" and so I stand up to let them through and then the trailer ends. So dude who's standing right in front of me trying to get past me and into the row stops walking and just stands there!!! while the place went dark in-between trailers and he turns to me and goes "Oh, great, of course it would turn pitch black right when we're trying to get past you!" and he WON'T EFFING MOVE and I look at A and I'm thinking "If you're such a lame-o that you can't walk in a straight line for a grand total of like four steps to get past two seats in a movie theater then I hope you don't have a frickin driver's license!" and the guy just STANDS THERE and won't move!!! Then finally after what feels like about five minutes but was really only like half a minute or less he starts walking again and now there's a trailer going and there's light again but of course the guy is such an incompetent he can't walk past us without knocking my jacket onto the floor and I'm just like "OMG you so did NOT just do that" and then they sat down and we sat down and the movie started and it was all over. God DAMN.

WHY GOD CREATED YOUTUBE™: The Downfall Of HD-DVD

2008-01-16T06:42:00.000-05:00

I had heard rumblings recently that blu-ray had pretty much defeated HD-DVD in the DVD format wars. But I never understood what really happened until now.

Truly, this is why God created YouTube.

ENTERTAINMENT DROPPINGS: Asshole With Ascot is "Lucky Enough" To Be Able To Teach The Viewing Public Who The Progenitor Of His One Claim To Fame Is

2008-01-15T05:46:00.000-05:00

Here's a fucking meeting of giants for you: Asshole With Ascot Jeremy Piven talks to Dateline Asshole Josh Mankiewicz before Monday's unwatchable Golden Globes disaster, during which time the Asshole With Ascot (who might have to change his nickname to "Asshole With Really Bad Toupee") makes sure to slip in just who created his annoying-as-hell catch phrase. This, people, is a monumental moment in celebrity assholeness; this will be one of those classic moments in television history you'll be able to tell your grandchildren about in thirty years. (courtesy of Defamer)

THE TOP 75 CELEBRITIES WHOSE EXISTENCE SO OFFENDS ME THAT JUST LOOKING AT A PICTURE OF THEM MAKES ME WANT TO COMMIT RANDOM ACTS OF VIOLENCE™

2008-01-13T11:46:00.001-05:00

#36: Diane Sawyer

One of the many reasons (I'm looking at you, Charles Gibson!) that I can't sit through more than 45 seconds of Good Morning, America is because it means I have to look at everyone's favorite news anchor who insists on being shot through gauze like one of Kirk's romantic conquests on Star Trek: The Original Series, Diane Sawyer. And every fricking time I see a picture of her I feel like scratching a brick wall until my fingernails grind off.

So, I can't watch Good Morning, America.

It's just that simple.

THE TOP 75 CELEBRITIES WHOSE EXISTENCE SO OFFENDS ME THAT JUST LOOKING AT A PICTURE OF THEM MAKES ME WANT TO COMMIT RANDOM ACTS OF VIOLENCE™

2008-01-13T11:21:00.000-05:00

#37: Jon Heder

I still haven't seen Napolean Dynamite or Blades of Glory simply because every time I so much as look at a picture of Jon Heder, I feel like walking into a Toys R Us with a 2"x4" with a nail sticking out of it and start a-swinging at any and all inflatable rubber balls, garden sprinklers shaped like superheroes, and toys I don't understand.

Why am I cursed to feel this way? WHY???????

THE TOP 75 CELEBRITIES WHOSE EXISTENCE SO OFFENDS ME THAT JUST LOOKING AT A PICTURE OF THEM MAKES ME WANT TO COMMIT RANDOM ACTS OF VIOLENCE™

2008-01-13T10:58:00.000-05:00

#38: Vince Vaughn

Sonuvabitch! What the hell happened to both him and my own brain that now makes me want to scrape my own forearm with a cheese grater whenever I so much as look at a picture of Vince Vaughn? I mean, when Swingers came out I thought he was the shizznit, man! Now whenever I see him I just want to hot glue a precise grid (maybe 250x125) of upside-down thumbtacks onto the welcome mat in front of the door of the apartment downstairs where they always stop to take off their shoes and then leave them in the f*cking hall!

Is that so wrong?

THE TOP 75 CELEBRITIES WHOSE EXISTENCE SO OFFENDS ME THAT JUST LOOKING AT A PICTURE OF THEM MAKES ME WANT TO COMMIT RANDOM ACTS OF VIOLENCE™

2008-01-10T06:14:00.000-05:00

#39: Chris Tucker

Why is it that every time I so much as hear someone use the term "Rush Hour" I start thinking about precariously lining up a set of 25 Precious Moments® collectors plates on the railing of a balcony at least thirty floors up in a densely populated downtown area, then systematically flicking them over the edge with my right index finger between 7am and 8am on a weekday? I'll tell you why: Chris Effing Tucker, that's why! The squeaky voice, the "slapstick", the mugging for the camera, it's all one complete package that causes me to consider walking around my neighborhood with a BB rifle and popping off some shots at people's porch lights at roughly 2:30am, late enough to not get noticed too easily and early enough that the loss of back porch illumination will only really be an inconvenience for about three hours or so!

Can I be the only one? Well, can I??

WHY GOD CREATED YOUTUBE™: Chromeo's "Bonafide Lovin'"

2008-01-09T06:51:00.000-05:00

Courtesy of Dartanjal, we have a piece of 21st Century pop inevitability: a visually over-the-top, note-perfect, sexified parody of Dire Straits' Money For Nothing video...which I'll bet cost less than half of what the original did, and was probably rendered on a low-end laptop in an afternoon.

When I buy my first mansion, I'll be having one of its 40+ rooms painted just like this.

Truly, this is why God created YouTube.

ADVENTURES IN THE DESIGN WORLD™: So The Whole Stencil Graffiti "...Has A Posse" Meme Is Officially Dead Now, Right?

2008-01-07T06:22:00.001-05:00

Once Hollywood co-opts a once-underground art meme in order to promote the un-asked for comeback of an over-the-hill franchise whose star is desperate to relive his glory days, that means it's officially uncool, right?

THE TOP 75 CELEBRITIES WHOSE EXISTENCE SO OFFENDS ME THAT JUST LOOKING AT A PICTURE OF THEM MAKES ME WANT TO COMMIT RANDOM ACTS OF VIOLENCE™

2008-01-01T09:46:00.000-05:00

#40: Jason Schwartzman

Oh boy, here's another one. DAMN SAM as Colonel Henry Potter used to say on M*A*S*H. When I saw Rushmore I thought I would be a Jason Schwartzman fan for the rest of my life. Boy did that tide not take too long to turn. Now every time I look at a picture of him and his insufferable moptop I feel like sitting around alone in my apartment shirtless, with the lights off and the TV tuned to static, while holding my bare hand over a burning candle to see how long I can stand it. And oh man, I can give you a specific example of when I knew for sure I'd had enough: when I tried to watch the tour of the set he gave on the Marie Antoinette DVD and I turned it off after about six seconds and then had to suppress the urge to fling at least fifteen 2'x2' panes of glass off the side of a bridge over the interstate during rush hour. I mean...sheesh.

Happy new year!

THE TOP 75 CELEBRITIES WHOSE EXISTENCE SO OFFENDS ME THAT JUST LOOKING AT A PICTURE OF THEM MAKES ME WANT TO COMMIT RANDOM ACTS OF VIOLENCE™

2008-01-01T09:35:00.000-05:00

#41: Lucy Liu

Oh man. I know you're gonna think I'm crazy, but dear lord just looking at a picture of Lucy Liu makes me want to hit glass beer bottles with an aluminum baseball right next to a daycare center for like two hours straight. I don't know what it is, seriously. Just the thought of having to sit through a movie with her in it makes me want to walk into a Walgreens, pop all the bubble wrap in the mailing envelopes aisle, and then systematically pick up, throw against the wall, then step on and crush every single seasonal toy item they have that has a motion sensor in it and talks when you walk past it.

I just really don't know what it is.

Happy new year!

THE TOP 75 CELEBRITIES WHOSE EXISTENCE SO OFFENDS ME THAT JUST LOOKING AT A PICTURE OF THEM MAKES ME WANT TO COMMIT RANDOM ACTS OF VIOLENCE™

2008-01-01T09:20:00.000-05:00

#42: Jason Lee

Okay, I'm sure everyone here is going to throw rocks and garbage at me for this one. I mean, I have several friends who tell me that I'm missing the best thing since sliced bread by not being able to watch My Name Is Earl due to the fact that any time I even so much as look at a picture of Jason Lee I feel like smashing a guitar against the weird, unmarked white van that sits parked across the street from my apartment for days on end every once in awhile. But I just can't help it. There's something about that smirk, that dishevelment, those flaring nostrils, that just makes me want to rapidly and continuously bang two hockey pucks against each other on their flat sides until my bare hands ache and I can't hear anymore because of how loud it is to stand right next to two hockey pucks being banged against each other on their flat sides.

Happy new year!

WHY GOD CREATED WIKIPEDIA™

2007-12-30T23:34:00.001-05:00

The Cheese Kurd comes through once again, this time not only suggesting a magnificent link, but also a brand new JohnEats category title as well. Please join me in delightfully thumbing through this fascinating Wikipedia entry:

• List of Unusual Deaths

...and if any of you out there feel like adding this one to the list, feel free (and you don't even have to give me any credit!):

• Roofing Billionaire Dies in Fall Through Roof

ADVENTURES IN THE DESIGN WORLD™: Star War Market Sign

2007-12-27T12:21:00.000-05:00

Fresh from the abandoned storefront of a local bodega mere blocks away from the JohnEats Corporate Command Center (and just a hop skip and a jump from Michael Knight's crimefighter's headquarters) comes this tantalizingly-close-to-copyright-infringement sign. With the audacious move of abandoning the all-too-easy "S" to "T" ligature of the original Star Wars logo, this sign achieves an impressive one-to-three ligature of the "S" to the "W", "M" and lowercase "k"! And it's got stars in it, too!

Pure genius.

CELEBRITY SCHADENFREUDE FILES™

2007-12-27T12:05:00.000-05:00

Who'll pay for the crimes of Paris, you ask? She will!

Friggin' AWESOME.

• Hilton Fortune To Go To Charity [BBC News]

WHY GOD CREATED YOUTUBE™: Jan Hammer Playing The "Miami Vice" Theme Live!

2007-12-26T21:25:00.000-05:00

I'll be damned if this doesn't make me feel like a million bucks...and then make me feel like giving it all back.

Can words even properly describe this spectacle? Hot damn, I love this so much I hate myself. Thanks so much for pointing me in this direction, K-Swiss.

Truly, this is why God created YouTube.

GRAFFITI MOVIE REVIEWS™

2007-12-25T06:27:00.001-05:00

Movie: Beowulf
Graffiti Review: "Ending sucks"
Does JohnEats Agree?: Don't know, haven't seen it, but it sure looks like more than just the ending would suck.
Penmanship of Reviewer: Lousy

WHY GOD CREATED YOUTUBE™: "Kill The White People"

2007-12-21T08:33:00.000-05:00

As Crispinus put it when he emailed this to me: "Remember when...Eddie Murphy was funny?"

Truly, this is why God created YouTube.

ENTERTAINMENT DROPPINGS: What Will We Tell The Children About The Children?

2007-12-21T06:19:00.000-05:00

K-Swiss sent us this screencap he made of CNN.com's top stories yesterday, with a particular one highlighted. If you have astigmatism and can't read it above, try reading it below.

Gee, I don't know, CNN, what WILL we tell them? Maybe, oh, I don't know, like, maybe that -- just like her sister -- she's an ignorant hillbilly with no sense of responsibility? That everyone around her knows she'll only ever be a C-lister and consequently hasn't garnered enough attention or handlers to keep her out of trouble? That when mommy and daddy (or sixteen year-old "celebrity" and boyfriend) love each other very much, the stork shows up, impregnates the woman, and then the press talk about it way too much?

I think a better question for CNN to have asked -- and it's too late, Newsweek already beat them to it -- is W.W.N.D.? (translation: What Will Nickolodeon Do).

Or how about the factor that Anonymous A brought up, and which MTV of all people have decided to discuss: what about the legal stuff? Like, don't they arrest kids for stuff like this, particularly in certain geographical regions?

Anyways, thanks to CNN for encouraging yet another round of awkward and most likely unnecessary family discussions that kids will use as ammunition to alienate themselves from their parents. I mean, it's not like this is nearly as important as when somebody bit it in the last Harry Potter book or anything.

THE TOP 75 CELEBRITIES WHOSE EXISTENCE SO OFFENDS ME THAT JUST LOOKING AT A PICTURE OF THEM MAKES ME WANT TO COMMIT RANDOM ACTS OF VIOLENCE™

2007-12-20T06:14:00.000-05:00

#43: Jimmy Buffet

As an atheist and a vegetarian, can there be any one song in existence more offensive to my personal philosophy than Jimmy Buffet's "Cheeseburger in Paradise"?

I mean really. I heard this song earlier this week while eating a falafel (that's right, all you "patriotic" Buffet fans -- a FALAFEL, bitchez! With NO F@CKING CHEESE!) and I had to leave the restaurant* in order to suppress the almost overwhelming urge to start smearing tahini all over the furniture. Effing Jimmy Buffet! At a middle eastern restaurant!! I felt like gouging my own eardrums out just to take the pain away.

It's enough to make me want to trek up to Milwaukee just to slash the tires of every Lexus in the Summerfest parking lot when all the "wasted away again" white-ass 50-somethings make their annual pilgrimage to see Jimmy in the flesh at the Marcus Amphitheater.

Jesus Christ on a crutch this can't just be me.

-----

*Actually, I had just finished eating when the song started. But still, it's the principle of the thing. Dammit.

ADVENTURES IN THE DESIGN WORLD™: GreatBigStuff.com

2007-12-19T06:15:00.000-05:00

Courtesy of Anonymous A: Looking for a giant name tag? How about a really big mug that will instantly grant you archetypal office kook status? Does your dad enjoy fishing? Ever got so frustrated with XP locking up that you literally wanted to use your ass to hit CTRL-ALT-DEL? Well, now you can, through the magic of GreatBigStuff.com.

And while you're there, make sure you avail yourself of the most overly-explained website search field known to humans:

Bravissimo! I'm sure Jakob Nielsen would be proud. (Speaking of whom, check out the color scheme on his web site! ACK! It is to puke! It might be usable, but it shore ain't purty.)

WHY GOD CREATED EMBEDDED FLASH VIDEO™: Pauly Shore on Fox 6 Milwaukee

2007-12-13T06:48:00.000-05:00

Dartanjal sends this clip (which you have to click here in order to see) of Pauly Shore giving his all during an interview promoting his upcoming appearance at "Jokerz" comedy club in Milwaukee. And by "his all" I mean "being abso-f*cking-lutely annoying, untalented, and actually kinda grotesque." If you're a big Pauly Shore hater, this clip will get your dander up. If you've ever lived in Milwaukee and watched Mark Concannon struggle to act like a distinguished, cogent adult on Fox 6 news, you'll love to watch him bumble his way through what was undoubtedly one of the most awkward experiences of his life. If you're familiar with the Racine, Wisconsin delicacy known as Kringle and know how weirdly belligerent Midwesterners can get when folks from outside America's Heartland can't get it through their thick f*cking skulls that it's called KRINGLE not STRUDEL you bitches (even though it's really just strudel in the shape of circle), then you're in for a triple treat.

Truly, this is why God created embedded Flash video.

ENTERTAINMENT DROPPINGS: And The Oscar For Shittiest Fake Hair In An Overblown, Ripped-From-The-Headlines Political Drama Goes To...

2007-12-12T06:52:00.000-05:00

Was there a Hollywood Hairdressers strike that nobody told me about? Because seriously, I can not tell which of the three leads in Charlie Wilson's War has the worst fake hair: Is it Tom Hanks, replacing his mullet wig from The DaVinci Code with a ratty Ronald Reagan wig? Or is it Julia Roberts, with her Carmine Infantino-inspired beehive swoop wig? Or, could it possibly be Philip Seymour Hoffman, sporting the absolute worst pornstar-wig-plus-caterpillaresque-synthetic-lip-spinach I've ever fricking seen?

I don't know. dear reader, but I do know who will win when Charlie Wilson's War hits general release: the American Viewing Public, that's who.