FOUND OBJECT SHOWCASE™

User-submitted review of Rambo IV on Metacritic.com (on a scale of 1-10)
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Provenance: The Internet

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THE TOP 75 CELEBRITIES WHOSE EXISTENCE SO OFFENDS ME THAT JUST LOOKING AT A PICTURE OF THEM MAKES ME WANT TO COMMIT RANDOM ACTS OF VIOLENCE™

#34: Sandra Oh


Yeah, yeah, she was pretty decent in Sideways and whatever but that really doesn't stop the fact that ever since Grey's Anatomy Sandra Oh has been shoved down the throats of the American viewing public by appearing on every talk show and magazine cover like ever in the whole world, and every time I so much as look at a picture of her now I feel like laying a strip of cap gun caps down on the sidewalk outside of an apartment building at like 2am on a summer morning and smacking the caps with a hammer so I wake everybody in the building up who has their windows open. I mean man oh man.

Is this so wrong??

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THE TOP 75 CELEBRITIES WHOSE EXISTENCE SO OFFENDS ME THAT JUST LOOKING AT A PICTURE OF THEM MAKES ME WANT TO COMMIT RANDOM ACTS OF VIOLENCE™

#35: James Marsden


One of the many reasons the X-Men movies got progressively worse to me was because I can't so much as look at a picture of James Marsden without wanting to bake a cake full of thumbtacks and leave it in the break room of some random office building. And then dude had to contribute to the downfall of Superman Returns by basically playing the same character, which made me want to slam my pinky in a car door seven times in a row.

Is that so terrible? Am I completely and utterly alone in this?

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FOUND OBJECT SHOWCASE™

Dee Snider and Carnie Wilson at the New York Stock Exchange
Photograph with caption
Provenance: The Internet, 2008

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WHY GOD CREATED EMBEDDED FLASH VIDEO™: "How Does It Feel" By James Johnson-Perkins

Dude makes this schmack with Lego®. Check out his myspace for more. I could watch this just about every morning for the rest of my life and I'd still chuckle when the Lego gun shows up.

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WHY GOD CREATED YOUTUBE™: Theme From "Doctor Who" Played By Car Horns

This video combines five of my all-time favorite things: the theme from Doctor Who, car horns, crying babies, dorks who spout factoids to their friends who didn't ask to hear them, and commercials for government-subsidized magazines.

Well, okay, really only one of those things is my all-time favorite. But it's less of a downer than one of the gazillions of odes to Heath Ledger you'll probably read today!

Truly, this is why God created YouTube.

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FILMPHLEGM™: Persepolis

So this weekend Anonymous A and I decided to head down to the local artiplex to catch Persepolis. And as per usual we had to put up with some bullshit. First off, it was absofreakinglutely freezing out all weekend. Yeah, I know what you're thinking, it was cold for everybody. But that doesn't make it any warmer, asshole!

So then we get to the theater and of course we don't want to interact with any humans if we don't have to so I went up to one of those ticket kiosk machine things to buy the tickets and it tells me that "85% of seats are still available" for the next showing so I'm thinking "Awesomeness! There'll be like nobody in there!" and then we get into the theater only like five minutes later after buying some snacks and it's like totally full except for a couple rows in the back. No big deal, at least we could sit together unlike when we saw Michael Clayton which was such total bullshit I don't even wanna talk about it right now. So anyway the lights dimmed and then came back up and then dimmed again right away so we were all like "WTF dude?" and then they start off right away with a trailer for Torchwood on HDNet and I'm like "Wow, cool, even tho season one pretty much sucks ass" and then they start showing a trailer for a movie about a counterfeiter in a concentration camp and just as I start wondering if whoever wrote the movie got the idea just by playing around with consonance one day, these two guys walk up to us and want to sit in our row, and we're sitting at the end of the row and I'm all like "Jesus H.! Show up on time or whatever!" and so I stand up to let them through and then the trailer ends. So dude who's standing right in front of me trying to get past me and into the row stops walking and just stands there!!! while the place went dark in-between trailers and he turns to me and goes "Oh, great, of course it would turn pitch black right when we're trying to get past you!" and he WON'T EFFING MOVE and I look at A and I'm thinking "If you're such a lame-o that you can't walk in a straight line for a grand total of like four steps to get past two seats in a movie theater then I hope you don't have a frickin driver's license!" and the guy just STANDS THERE and won't move!!! Then finally after what feels like about five minutes but was really only like half a minute or less he starts walking again and now there's a trailer going and there's light again but of course the guy is such an incompetent he can't walk past us without knocking my jacket onto the floor and I'm just like "OMG you so did NOT just do that" and then they sat down and we sat down and the movie started and it was all over. God DAMN.

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WHY GOD CREATED YOUTUBE™: The Downfall Of HD-DVD

I had heard rumblings recently that blu-ray had pretty much defeated HD-DVD in the DVD format wars. But I never understood what really happened until now.

Truly, this is why God created YouTube.

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ENTERTAINMENT DROPPINGS: Asshole With Ascot is "Lucky Enough" To Be Able To Teach The Viewing Public Who The Progenitor Of His One Claim To Fame Is

Here's a fucking meeting of giants for you: Asshole With Ascot Jeremy Piven talks to Dateline Asshole Josh Mankiewicz before Monday's unwatchable Golden Globes disaster, during which time the Asshole With Ascot (who might have to change his nickname to "Asshole With Really Bad Toupee") makes sure to slip in just who created his annoying-as-hell catch phrase. This, people, is a monumental moment in celebrity assholeness; this will be one of those classic moments in television history you'll be able to tell your grandchildren about in thirty years. (courtesy of Defamer)

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THE TOP 75 CELEBRITIES WHOSE EXISTENCE SO OFFENDS ME THAT JUST LOOKING AT A PICTURE OF THEM MAKES ME WANT TO COMMIT RANDOM ACTS OF VIOLENCE™

#36: Diane Sawyer


One of the many reasons (I'm looking at you, Charles Gibson!) that I can't sit through more than 45 seconds of Good Morning, America is because it means I have to look at everyone's favorite news anchor who insists on being shot through gauze like one of Kirk's romantic conquests on Star Trek: The Original Series, Diane Sawyer. And every fricking time I see a picture of her I feel like scratching a brick wall until my fingernails grind off.

So, I can't watch Good Morning, America.

It's just that simple.

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THE TOP 75 CELEBRITIES WHOSE EXISTENCE SO OFFENDS ME THAT JUST LOOKING AT A PICTURE OF THEM MAKES ME WANT TO COMMIT RANDOM ACTS OF VIOLENCE™

#37: Jon Heder


I still haven't seen Napolean Dynamite or Blades of Glory simply because every time I so much as look at a picture of Jon Heder, I feel like walking into a Toys R Us with a 2"x4" with a nail sticking out of it and start a-swinging at any and all inflatable rubber balls, garden sprinklers shaped like superheroes, and toys I don't understand.

Why am I cursed to feel this way? WHY???????

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THE TOP 75 CELEBRITIES WHOSE EXISTENCE SO OFFENDS ME THAT JUST LOOKING AT A PICTURE OF THEM MAKES ME WANT TO COMMIT RANDOM ACTS OF VIOLENCE™

#38: Vince Vaughn


Sonuvabitch! What the hell happened to both him and my own brain that now makes me want to scrape my own forearm with a cheese grater whenever I so much as look at a picture of Vince Vaughn? I mean, when Swingers came out I thought he was the shizznit, man! Now whenever I see him I just want to hot glue a precise grid (maybe 250x125) of upside-down thumbtacks onto the welcome mat in front of the door of the apartment downstairs where they always stop to take off their shoes and then leave them in the f*cking hall!

Is that so wrong?

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THE TOP 75 CELEBRITIES WHOSE EXISTENCE SO OFFENDS ME THAT JUST LOOKING AT A PICTURE OF THEM MAKES ME WANT TO COMMIT RANDOM ACTS OF VIOLENCE™

#39: Chris Tucker


Why is it that every time I so much as hear someone use the term "Rush Hour" I start thinking about precariously lining up a set of 25 Precious Moments® collectors plates on the railing of a balcony at least thirty floors up in a densely populated downtown area, then systematically flicking them over the edge with my right index finger between 7am and 8am on a weekday? I'll tell you why: Chris Effing Tucker, that's why! The squeaky voice, the "slapstick", the mugging for the camera, it's all one complete package that causes me to consider walking around my neighborhood with a BB rifle and popping off some shots at people's porch lights at roughly 2:30am, late enough to not get noticed too easily and early enough that the loss of back porch illumination will only really be an inconvenience for about three hours or so!

Can I be the only one? Well, can I??

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WHY GOD CREATED YOUTUBE™: Chromeo's "Bonafide Lovin'"

Courtesy of Dartanjal, we have a piece of 21st Century pop inevitability: a visually over-the-top, note-perfect, sexified parody of Dire Straits' Money For Nothing video...which I'll bet cost less than half of what the original did, and was probably rendered on a low-end laptop in an afternoon.

When I buy my first mansion, I'll be having one of its 40+ rooms painted just like this.

Truly, this is why God created YouTube.

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ADVENTURES IN THE DESIGN WORLD™: So The Whole Stencil Graffiti "...Has A Posse" Meme Is Officially Dead Now, Right?

Once Hollywood co-opts a once-underground art meme in order to promote the un-asked for comeback of an over-the-hill franchise whose star is desperate to relive his glory days, that means it's officially uncool, right?

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THE TOP 75 CELEBRITIES WHOSE EXISTENCE SO OFFENDS ME THAT JUST LOOKING AT A PICTURE OF THEM MAKES ME WANT TO COMMIT RANDOM ACTS OF VIOLENCE™

#40: Jason Schwartzman


Oh boy, here's another one. DAMN SAM as Colonel Henry Potter used to say on M*A*S*H. When I saw Rushmore I thought I would be a Jason Schwartzman fan for the rest of my life. Boy did that tide not take too long to turn. Now every time I look at a picture of him and his insufferable moptop I feel like sitting around alone in my apartment shirtless, with the lights off and the TV tuned to static, while holding my bare hand over a burning candle to see how long I can stand it. And oh man, I can give you a specific example of when I knew for sure I'd had enough: when I tried to watch the tour of the set he gave on the Marie Antoinette DVD and I turned it off after about six seconds and then had to suppress the urge to fling at least fifteen 2'x2' panes of glass off the side of a bridge over the interstate during rush hour. I mean...sheesh.

Happy new year!

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THE TOP 75 CELEBRITIES WHOSE EXISTENCE SO OFFENDS ME THAT JUST LOOKING AT A PICTURE OF THEM MAKES ME WANT TO COMMIT RANDOM ACTS OF VIOLENCE™

#41: Lucy Liu


Oh man. I know you're gonna think I'm crazy, but dear lord just looking at a picture of Lucy Liu makes me want to hit glass beer bottles with an aluminum baseball right next to a daycare center for like two hours straight. I don't know what it is, seriously. Just the thought of having to sit through a movie with her in it makes me want to walk into a Walgreens, pop all the bubble wrap in the mailing envelopes aisle, and then systematically pick up, throw against the wall, then step on and crush every single seasonal toy item they have that has a motion sensor in it and talks when you walk past it.

I just really don't know what it is.

Happy new year!

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THE TOP 75 CELEBRITIES WHOSE EXISTENCE SO OFFENDS ME THAT JUST LOOKING AT A PICTURE OF THEM MAKES ME WANT TO COMMIT RANDOM ACTS OF VIOLENCE™

#42: Jason Lee


Okay, I'm sure everyone here is going to throw rocks and garbage at me for this one. I mean, I have several friends who tell me that I'm missing the best thing since sliced bread by not being able to watch My Name Is Earl due to the fact that any time I even so much as look at a picture of Jason Lee I feel like smashing a guitar against the weird, unmarked white van that sits parked across the street from my apartment for days on end every once in awhile. But I just can't help it. There's something about that smirk, that dishevelment, those flaring nostrils, that just makes me want to rapidly and continuously bang two hockey pucks against each other on their flat sides until my bare hands ache and I can't hear anymore because of how loud it is to stand right next to two hockey pucks being banged against each other on their flat sides.

Happy new year!

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