SEX ROLE STEREOTYPE COMIX™ featuring THE LOCKHORNS

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AARON SPELLING: AFFIRMATIONS FROM A PRIME-TIME LIFE™

Another chapter in our ongoing series presenting the pearls of wisdom of a television icon . . .

"I'm a big believer in consistency. When a show first starts, viewers are just getting to know the characters. I've had some shows in the past where an actress will have her hair up in the first episode, down in the second, and then bangs in the third, and the poor viewer doesn't know who the hell she is."

--Aaron Spelling (as written by Jefferson Graham)

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WHY GOD CREATED YOUTUBE™: Roger Mainwood's Autobahn

Do you remember where you were the first time you heard Kraftwerk's Autobahn? Think hard. Chances are you remember hearing it while a naked blue Talosian in giant Fly-era Bono goggles ran around you in a sort of abstract alien cityscape populated by giant disembodied lips and naked blonde women on bicycles. Most likely you and your naked blue Talosian friend did things like swing on ropes, fall from great heights, and morph into quasi-animal shapes. And maybe you floated by some more naked women whose heads were candles. And maybe you saw a gigantic wireframe rectum (or was it an eyeball?) before you floated around on some gigantic soap bubbles that turned into zygotes and then floated down some big tubes full of holes.

Well, wherever you were, I know that's where I was, which makes me pleased as punch to have found the perfect visual representation of my first Autobahn experience courtesy of UK animator Roger Mainwood, who most likely produced this award-winning crapola while on a diet of hash cookies and Strongbow.

Truly, this is why God created YouTube.

(Thanks to Tiree for the tip)

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BOINGBOING RELEVANCY WATCH™

Today on Boing Boing:

• Vegas cops launch "Sin City" recruitment tour

Thursday, September 7, 2006 on JohnEats.com:

• LEAVING LAS VEGA$: Um, Does Frank Miller Know About This?

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FIRST CHURCH OF LATTER-DAY PHIL COLLINS ADVENTISTS™: A Lesson In Proper Diction With The One True Phil

AN ANALYSIS OF THE FLEXIBLE PRONUNCIATION OF THE WORD "YOU" IN THE ONE TRUE PHIL'S EASY LOVER

Sometimes mere attentiveness to the words of The One True Phil is just not enough; for The One True Phil imparts wisdom to His followers through more than just meaningful lyrics -- verily, He also offers believers messages via His pronunciation of those words as well.

As we will see, the word "YOU" receives no less than four different pronunciations in His 1985 duet with former EW&F frontman Philip Bailey. Each pronunciaton is meant to impart a slightly different message to His flock, which we shall endeavor to impart unto our readers thusly.

1. "...she'll get a hold on you, believe it."

Close to the common pronunciation of the word, this first instance of the word "you" presents one and all, believers and non-believers, with a simple, AOR-friendly message: "Beware of the Easy Lover, for she will occupy your thoughts day and night, not even a coffee break." A simple, broad message to all; a universal "you" representing the overall record-buying public.

2. "...she'll take your heart but jew won't feel it..."

With this subtle change, The One True Phil makes His first outright address to His brethren: "Verily I say unto thee, the Easy Lover may have enraptured you and stolen your feral longings, but those who listen to and believe in The One True Phil truly are chosen people."

3. "...before you know it, chew'll be on your knees."

Here The One True Phil implores His flock to reap the benefits of proper mastication, for proper chewing promotes a healthy digestive tract.

4. "...it's the only way jeux'll ever know."

Finally we are told that ultimately, by rejecting the Easy Lover, we forsake our Earthly trappings and become more French.

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We hope you have enjoyed today's lesson in diction with The One True Phil. Join us next week when we will further analyze Easy Lover, including The One True Phil's optional pronunciation of the letter "L" in the word "hold," and His subtle reference to Hinduism while pronouncing the word "try" as "chai".

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ENTERTAINMENT DROPPINGS: Jimi Hendrix, Brandy, Isaiah Washington, K-Fed, Jake Gyllenwhatever

• Jimi Hendrix: "'Scuse me while I kiss the sky...and enjoy a refreshing beverage with a little extra pick-me-up" [BBC News]

• Good thing she's not hosting America's Got Driving Talent [MSNBC]

• Isaiah Washington: "All right already, I'll throw you f*gs a bone" [People]

• What these restaurant workers don't realize is that K-Fed is actually an insult to any profession [E! Online]

• UPDATE! Jake Gyllenhaal: "I don't work for Ford" [People]

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WHY GOD CREATED YOUTUBE™: "Hey. Don't Settle For Walkin'."

As a follow-up to yesterday's post about the other half of the Classic Rock/Performance Art World's reigning power couple, here's a less-than-stellar moment in the career of Lou Reed: his 1984 Honda Scooter commercial. Unfortunately I'm at just the right age for this to have been the first time I saw Reed on TV; it would take about a year's time and the creepy robot horror of this music video* for me to learn to appreciate more about him than just his ability to shill for a hipster personal transport vehicle.

Truly, this is why God created YouTube.

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* see also the review by Beavis and Butthead

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ENTERTAINMENT DROPPINGS: Desperately Seeking Shoes Worn By Asshole With Ascot

Courtesy of Defamer, we find this tantalizing little morsel on Craigslist:


So did Piven lose some much-beloved shoes and want them back? Or did he just find himself a way to make some quick-n-easy drinkin' money?

We may never know the truth.

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WHY GOD CREATED YOUTUBE™: The New Show

I always remembered the first time I'd seen Laurie Anderson on TV as being during an old episode of Saturday Night Live, but some YouTube searching has pretty much proved me wrong. It had to have been on The New Show, an extremely short-lived early-80s SNL clone also produced by Lorne Michaels. And although the clip above isn't the segment I remember, I'm sure the one that I do must have been her other performance from that night (which I remember being a song rather than a monologue). Still, this one's pretty good: it's a performance of "Mach 20" from United States, and it's a great little moment of TV wherein the audience obviously starts out thinking she's supposed to be a comedian and laughs at everything she says but then has no idea how to react when she stops being "funny."

Truly, this is why God created YouTube.

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ADVENTURES IN THE DESIGN WORLD™: None Of Your Bisuness

Because I have a deeply felt love of crowds, suburban shopping and flat-pack shipping boxes, this past weekend I found myself at IKEA for the umpteenth time. And while there, Anonymous A spotted this marvelous fake television with a fake printed web page printout stuck on its fake cathode ray tube. Unfortunately the fake web page also advertises a fake URL, because when I tried to visit it I was scolded by the torso, head and arms of a disturbing virtual Swedish child for my poor spelling:

Honestly, I didn't know if this was a misspelled word or just one of those cutesy fake-Swedish names that IKEA gives their little baubles like "EFFEKTIV" or "KOMPLEMENT" or "PØØPKONSTRUKSHUN".

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ENTERTAINMENT DROPPINGS: Steven Seagal, Salma Hayek, Asshole With Ascot & Melrose, Lohan

• Action "star" tours with "blues band" [BBC News]

• Salma Hayek: "I'll make up any old bullshit just to have somebody write about me" [US Weekly]

• Asshole with Ascot can't even date a fucked-up reality TV star [TMZ]

• Lohan fulfills her destiny; world yawns [People]

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ENTERTAINMENT DROPPINGS: Golden Globes' Asshole With Ascot Schadenfreude

Easily the best moment of last night's Golden Globe Awards came fairly early, during the presentation of the Best Supporting Actor in a TV Show award, wherein Asshole With Ascot Jeremy Piven found himself nominated once again for his "signature" role as the asshole manager on Entourage. However, Jeremy Irons -- nominated for his supporting role in HBO's Elizabeth I -- ended up taking home the award.

Piven, whose "star" is falling so fast after his Cusack dissing interview I can't even find a red carpet shot of him from last night, was all smiles and huggy-poos with his mom on camera as the nominatons were read off. Seriously, does he have to milk the "I-love-my-mom-almost-inappropriately" thing at every awards show he attends? Or is he just such a tremendous asshole that no woman will actually accompany him other than his mother?

Anyway, when the winner was named, and the first word out of the presenter's mouth was "Jeremy", you just know that Piven either started to get up or pumped his fist in the air and then had to quickly take it back as the name "Irons" rang out across the hall. And Irons was seated at the table directly behind Piven's, so you know damn well he saw whatever it was that Piven did (which unfortunately wasn't televised). However, Irons approached Piven on-camera as he walked up to the stage and shook his hand; Piven shot him a glance that tried really hard to not look bitter and dejected, but nonetheless betrayed what was undoubtedly going through his head: "I lost to some drunken Limey jagoff who looks like he just got back from a trip to RenFair!" Priceless.

Oh, and in the only other interesting thing that happened at the Golden Globes, Justin Timberlake made fun of Prince being short when His Purple Majesty was stuck in traffic and couldn't accept his award. While the weasly little George Michael beard-sporting Timberlake might have done his best to bring ShortJokeyBack, I guess this means we really aren't ever gonna get to see Prince duet with him at an awards show anytime in the near future.

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THE FOLLOWING TAKES PLACE BETWEEN 4:46A.M. AND 5:46A.M.

Last night for no particular reason other than massive marketing hype and sheer boredom, I decided to watch the first half of the HOT-DAMN FOUR-HOUR TWO-NIGHT SEASON PREMIERE OF 24, a show I haven't watched or cared about since halfway through season 1 when they brought in Lou Diamond Phillips as a long-lost ex-partner of Kiefer Sutherland probably just so they could make some Young Guns jokes. Well, okay, it definitely had something to do with the fact that earlier in the day Anonymous A and I had a very weird lunch at a bar which involved the two of us sitting in the otherwise empty, overly heated beer garden with a huge-ass TV blaring the football game (which of course was on FOX) and every 45 seconds they would either show a commercial for 24 or one of the game's commentators would remind me that the HOT-DAMN FOUR-HOUR TWO-NIGHT SEASON PREMIERE was gonna be on that night.

Needless to say, I was pleasantly surprised. I mean, Kiefer Sutherland has become an expert at having a bad day. Not as bad as some people, but still he always seems to find a way to have a day lousy enough that it makes for an interesting enough entire season of TV. I mean, this year he had to start out looking a hell of a lot like his dad except his hair wasn't so grey. And apparently he's spent a couple years in a Chinese prison and the day he gets out he gets handed over to a terrorist in exchange for some other terrorist guy who's been bombing everyone and their cousin...or so everybody thinks. Hot damn, it wouldn't be 24 without a shocker plot twist every seven minutes, and right away they throw in a couple. And we even get new supporting characters like that guy from Star Trek: Deep Space Crap and that asshole from Van Wilder and Harold and Kumar. And then there's that woman who used to be on Mr. Show doing things like selling jelly donuts to Bob Odenkirk and she hasn't really learned how to do any other facial expressions since then. Man, what a cast! And I really like how the CTU office pretty much just watches FOX NEWS all day. It's good to see a fictional government so enamored of its own propaganda, because of course nothing like that would ever happen in real life or anything!

So yeah, it was absolutely ridiculous and pretty poorly written and everybody but Kiefer did nothing but chew scenery and even he did for quite awhile too but for some stupid reason I still kinda liked it, and now I don't know whether to watch tonight's scond installment of the HOT-DAMN FOUR-HOUR TWO-NIGHT SEASON PREMIERE OF 24 or the Golden Globes!!! What the hell do I do???

And don't say read a book. Nobody does that crap anymore, you can't fool me.

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WHY GOD CREATED YOUTUBE™: The Original Ronald McDonald

Thanks to Anonymous A we've got one of the most disturbing pieces of television history to present today. There are so many things wrong with this I hardly know where to begin. I have to admit I had no idea that the original Ronald McDonald was none other than Willard Scott, everyone's favorite geriatric-obsessed weatherman -- How sweet it is! Ronald's original design included a paper cup nose and take-out tray hat, but what the hell is that take-out tray doing attached to his stomach as well?

The horror. The horror.

Truly, this is why God created YouTube.

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ENTERTAINMENT DROPPINGS: Asshole With Ascot Is Like Such A Better Person Than That Sonuvabitch Ex-Friend Of His

As everybody and their frigging cousin is reporting (and originally tipped by Anonymous A), Asshole with Ascot Jeremy Piven is on the outs with his lifelong best buddy John Cusack, who is allegedly jealous that Piven finally lucked into a role that didn't involve playing second banana to him.

Proving once and for all that when B-list stars embark on deeply meaningful personal spiritual journeys along with a camera crew and publicist it doesn't automatically imbue them with a sense of tact, diplomacy and humility, Piven made sure that when the opportunity finally presented itself he let the whole world know just how much bigger a man he is than his former, more successful best friend:

"... I was always proud of him, and I was always in his corner," Piven says of the 40-year-old Cusack. "Always."

[ . . . ]

Piven, who co-stars with Ben Affleck in the upcoming film "Smokin' Aces," a Universal Studios release, says he values loyalty.

"It just says so much about a person if he has space for other people's success," he says.

"I have always been so proud of my friends' success. I own that proudly because I come by it naturally. I was raised on that spirit of collaboration. ... You start getting into trouble in life when you start comparing and contrasting your life to anyone else's. You don't win when you do that."

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AARON SPELLING: AFFIRMATIONS FROM A PRIME-TIME LIFE™

Another chapter in our ongoing series presenting the pearls of wisdom of a television icon . . .

"[My agent] is one of the best friends I've ever had. Instead of pushing me to do more shows, he's constantly worried about my doing too much. The press uses every opportunity to damn agents and their agencies. Let me let you in on a little secret. They're full of shit. Ask any star who they are closest to. Most of them will tell you it's their agents."

--Aaron Spelling (as written by Jefferson Graham)

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BOINGBOING RELEVANCY WATCH™

Today on BoingBoing:

• Pat Robertson's Power Shake Gives Him Super Legs

Wednesday, May 24, 2006 on AmericaBlog:

• Pat Robertson: Athletic Superstar or Mega Liar?

Today on BoingBoing:

• Hungry Baby Suckles Statue

August 24, 2004 on CollegeHumor.com:

• Does it really get much funnier than this?

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DJ DIJON'S YOUTUBE MIXX-A-LOTT™: The Highs And Lows Of David Bowie

Yo my homeydudes! Time to ROCK DA HOUSE all Thin White Duke-like, because today is David Bowie's 60th Birthday!!! That's right, everybody's favorite Starman officially becomes a sexagenarian today (and y'allz know he's been waiting his whole life to be able to say that with a straight face). So DJ Dijon's been prowling the stax of wax over at YouTube to bring you this AWESOME mixx! HOLLA!!

• Life on Mars? - original promo video

• Starman - Live on Top of the Pops

• Massive Medley Duet with Cher - You haven't lived until you hear Bowie covering Neil Diamond's Song Sung Blue

• Heroes - original promo video

• Fun Time - playing keyboards for Iggy Pop live on The Dinah Shore Show

• Dance Magic - from Labyrinth!

• Jump They Say - original promo video

• Bowie's Teeth - documentary about the evolution of the Bowie choppers

• Little Wonder - original promo video

• Extras - Bowie's scenes from the Ricky Gervais sitcom

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FIRST CHURCH OF LATTER-DAY PHIL COLLINS ADVENTISTS™: Invisible Chargeyeah

Back when I had access to a hotel's 42" HD TV, I stumbled upon a pay-per-view music video option which wasn't very intriguing until I came upon the screen reproduced above. Yes indeedy, the "ROCK" category included the video for none other than 1986's Invisible Touchyeah from the album of the same name. Of course, being the archbishop of the First Church of Latter-Day Phil Collins Adventists™ I felt the need to capture the moment for posterity by snapping a photo. But it amazed me how anyone would expect me to pay $6.95 for two hours of music videos when I could just use the room's free wi-fi to watch it on YouTube the way God meant me to!

Heathens.

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ENTERTAINMENT DROPPINGS: B-Spear, Kid Rock, Dirk Benedict, The O.C.

• Britney, already sick of being a mother, announces return to former self-centered glory days [People]

• Kid Rock tries to autograph his way out of a lawsuit [US]

• Holy shit! Dirk Benedict still thinks he's a celebrity! [BBC News]

• What will I do now that I won't have to ignore The O.C. on whatever night it used to be on anymore? [TMZ]

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THE COVERS THAT TIME FORGOT™: Prince's "3121 Magazine"

According to JohnEats.com tipster Shady, word on the street has it that Prince is set to challenge the likes of Oprah, Martha Stewart and Rachael Ray in the celebrity lifestyle magazine market. Yes, His Royal Badness is searching for a Las Vegas-based publisher for his 3121 magazine, a periodical that will not only feature interviews with and articles about various Paisley Park denizens, but will also serve as a platform for the pint-sized Purple Highness' latest artistic obsession: his own photography. Needless to say this was too good an opportunity to pass up, so I've put together my own proposal for what an issue of 3121 might be like...

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JOHNEATS.COM CONTEST™: Make A Decent Mike Tyson/Commander Chakotay Joke, Win An Indecent T-Shirt

The other day, while posting about our new Mozart/Mike Tyson Drinking Game™, I had really hoped to include a reference to the wacky facial artwork similarities between former heavyweight champ Tyson and former Star Trek: Voyager native American Commander Chakotay. But I just couldn't come up with anything beyond "Wow, Mike Tyson's facial tatoo makes him look kinda like Commander Chakotay!" So here's where you come in.

I challenge you, my three to seven regular readers, to once again provide me with content in the hopes of winning a t-shirt with my face on it. Yes, that's right, you have exactly one month (until February 2nd, 2007) to come up with a decent Mike Tyson/Commander Chakotay joke. The jokes may or may not require visual aids, but they need to actually make me laugh out loud. If you think you're up to it, send your joke to johneats[AT]gmail.com and one lucky winner will be able to choose their very own JohnEats.com t-shirt!



So put those thinking caps on and get cracking! I won't stop until I force every single one of you to own a t-shirt with my face on it!

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ENTERTAINMENT DROPPINGS: The French, The Fat-Necked Bastard, JB, Britney

• French people prove their inherent unfunniness [BBC News]

• George Lucas: "Parenting leads to unfortunately-worded bursts of hyperbole" [CBC]

• Hopefully someone came out halfway through the ceremony and draped a cape around the coffin too [TMZ]

• Britney double-shot: No really, she was just really, really tired [Washington Post] -- it had nothing to do with the fact that she's skeezy, boring, worthless and nobody even gives a rat's ass about her anymore [Showbuzz]

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ENTERTAINMENT DROPPINGS: New Years 2007 Battle Of The Blands

What do two socially challenged people with nowhere else to go do for New Year's Eve? Well, if you're John Eats and Anonymous A you get out of the hustle-bustle of the city and venture off to Suburbia!, where you find a hotel in the middle of friggin nowhere for (comparatively) dirt cheap. Then you spend the day sitting in your room, eating your own snacks, playing your brand-spanking new Nintendo DS Lites and watching terrible movies -- all while doing your best to avoid everyone else in the hotel. And if anyone happens to get close enough so they can say "Happy New Year!" to you, make sure you reply "You too."

And so it was that at the pivotal moment (well, actually 11pm because of the lack of time-delay on the broadcasts) I found myself wildly snapping cameraphone pictures of the raucous goings-on in Times Square...off the 42" plasma screen HD TV in our room. So check it, beeyatches: A/V nerd bling in da hizz-ouse!!

Yes, we had forty two crystal-clear inches of front row seat for the DALY VS. SEACREST NEW YEAR'S ROCKINEST EVE SMACKDOWN, the media event of the last twenty four hours! So which of them most deserved to emerge from the long, speech-impedimented shadow of Dick Clark? Who came out on top?


Was it Ryan Seacrest, Dick's One True Heir Apparent on Clark's own ABC show (pictured above yucking it up with Special Guest Star Xtina™ Aguilera who refused to go to first base with Ryan when the Midnight Hour came a-calling, instead offering him nothing more than a frosty peck on the cheek)?


Or was it Carson Daly, with his svelte Dick Clark Lite™ look (it's amazing what some personal grooming and frontal lighting will do for his perpetual Hitler moustache-like undernose shadow) on NBC (pictured above with his bland female cohosts whose names I don't care to remember)?

Or was it really You, the American Viewing Public, who ultimately won in the end?

It's hard to say really, since both of them were nigh-on unwatchable. Nothing aids my narcolepsy more than whitebread cardboard-cutout hosts doing absolutely all they can to suck whatever life there might have been out of the alcohol-free revelry of New York's most visible New Year Borefest. But Carson Daly did awkwardly read pre-scripted comments at least twice celebrating how "communication and entertainment changed in 2006" -- basically, he talked about YouTube the way people used to talk about fax machines. So I think he wins on a technicality for being rock stupid.

Well, we're off to get our complimentary continental breakfast.

You too.

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